Funerals for elderly parents/inlaws; should we attempt to discuss plans with father-in-law?
My MIL and FIL are in their mid 80’s and currently living in AL/MC. They retired 26 years ago and moved out of state. They moved back here approx 5 years ago. Due to being out of the area for over 20 years and in AL and with memory issues the past several years, they have lost touch with most of their friends, their former church family, etc. The few friends that still live in the area are in similar state of memory issues/poor health. Few of our friends really knew them as they chose not to be active/involved in any of our lives. (Long story) They had previously planned to be buried in a neighboring state where they are originally from, having bought cemetery plots there in 1968.
My husband and I have discussed what will happen when they pass away. Other than our immediate family, my BIL and his immediate family, who live 1500 miles away, and a handful of our close friends, I doubt anyone would attend a funeral for them. They have not been part of a church in this area in over 26 years, so there is not even a pastor who knows them. They have not been very good with finances, so we are trying to stretch their funds as far as possible. At this point it seems foolish to pay the expense of transporting their remains to another state where nobody in their family lives to hold a funeral and bury them. We discussed possibly having them cremated and taking their remains that way-to save money. We would have a memorial service here with our friends and immediate family. Does this seem appropriate? Inappropriate? FIL is somewhat cognizant of things, but MIL is too far gone to really understand. Should we attempt to discuss it with him? This is so hard to balance the practical and financial realities with what their wishes were at one time. They even purchased a headstone already and engraved their names and birthdates in it. At a loss...
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You may get away having both put in the same plot.
Very sensible suggestion. Lots of people do this. Perfectly acceptable.
I don't really see a need to have a full blown funeral but a grave side service might be nice.
How far would you have to transport them? That would be a big expense. You could arrange immediate burial and reduce expenses some.
Others will be along with their suggestions.
Respect their wishes. It is only right to bury them in the plots they selected more than 50 years ago. If your husband and BIL want to get rid of their own plots, that is fine, but respect their wishes. Karma is real!
Let me share something my dear grandmother always said to everyone. “Give me flowers while I am living.” She felt too much emphasis was placed on funerals. I agree. It is more important to show love to others while alive.
My grandmother had respect for everyone, including the dead. She grieved, mourned but most importantly she showed enormous love to people while they were alive.
so when he died (88) i informed my aunt who let others know. My friend put me in touch with a lovely funeral director from her church. As I was in another state they took care of everything when I arrived three days later we just sat down. Picked the cheapest coffin, put funeral notice in both major papers and a really nice floral display for the casket
the funeral company did a great job
i was the only one present. I put his tam o shantor on the casket and said goodbye. It was actually very nice
he did request that his ashes be taken to Scotland and spread throughout the highlands but he currently resides in the garage
The really cheap method we have chosen for my mthr is donating her body. In this way, she can be useful after her death for some kind of researchers (she was a scientific researcher herself). Cremation is free and the ashes are usually returned within a year or interred, your choice. A local university hospital has an interment ceremony once a year in their flower garden. The place we chose sprinkles remains over the Pacific Ocean where mthr always wanted to go on an expedition. Best part is that it is free when you are within a certain number of miles of a contracted location.
When the time comes, you will know with more certainty a) how much money there is and b) - to a lesser extent, but still - what the surviving spouse's requirements are likely to be.
At that time, if you can comply with their wishes, do. If you can't, get as close as possible; and I'd agree that interring their ashes in their state of origin sounds about right. Meanwhile, you'd better find out if the burial plots have a resale value - not so as to put them straight on the market, just for information and so you would know hypothetically what the procedure is.
Try not to muddy the waters when thinking about this: don't second-guess them, and justify not complying with their wishes because it's a better idea to x, y, z. Do them the courtesy of assuming that they knew what they were about when they made their plans. You are then left with a much tidier - and, yes, colder and more clinical - decision-making process of yes/no answers based on pure numerical values.