How do I get my brother to move out of Mom's condo?

My Mom did the same with my brother. She took him in "temporarily". It lasted till SHE could no longer stay in her home. She could no longer get up the stairs, and that is where the toilet/bath facilities are. He had lost his job, had a heart attack, lost his home. He came with a lot of stuff and kind of took over her space. He was messy and loud. She had wanted to use her home to be hospitable to her church group, but was always embarrassed that she couldn't get him to keep the agreement to confine his stuff. I was very sad for her, but she made the choice not to get tougher. He was working and paying rent for a while, but he had a health event after which he never went back to work. So for several years he kind of "freeloaded" off my mom. He did try to look after her, and I know she appreciated that he was there, but there were a lot of things that were let go. I remember one time going down there (they were 600 miles from me) and the house reeked of stale urine. I found trash bags of Depends all over the house...tucked under mom's dresser, tucked behind her chair, sitting by the door to go out to the trash. My mom, in her early dementia, was insisting that the bags were not FULL therefore it was not cost-efficient to take them out. And my brother did not fight her on issues like that. Some of her needs were answered with impatience and grudging compliance because what she needed was interrupting something he wanted to do for himself. Sort of like middle-schoolers when told they need to do their chores. They always say "I'll do it in just a minute" or "I'll get to it". But it doesn't happen.

Like the cat box. It did not get scooped as often as it should have. And the cat was one to vomit a lot, and they just dropped paper towels on the vomit and then walked around it.

Bottom line is, you have to assess whether your brother's presence is more of a positive influence or whether it is not. You should ask him straight up, what is his plan when your mom is gone? He NEEDS to have a plan. I still remember sitting in my mom's attorney's office with Mom and my brother, working over some estate issues. The lawyer looked at my brother and asked him point blank, "what is your plan when your mom passes? She is 84 years old, and whether we like it or not, she is not going to live forever". His face went kind of dark, he was backed into a corner. He said, "ummm, I don't really have one". Lawyer reminded him he NEEDED to GET one. He never did though.

Ask your brother: What is your plan?

Read through ALL your trust documents. There can be things buried in there that talk about the situation if one beneficiary should need housing. You need to make sure of exactly what those documents say, which means you can not skim them. You must scour them. If you need to, you can run your situation by an elder law attorney and get an idea what your options are. You need to know what kind of trust she created, and what your responsibilities are as trustee. You need to know if the trust demands all assets to be distributed to beneficiaries upon your mom's death, or if it spells out exceptions.

Just a few disorganized thoughts for you.

I think you need to find out - What are your brother's intentions? Is he there because he needs a place to stay temporarily? He could be dealing with depression. Or is he freeloading off of your Mom, getting free room and board and not helping out? Do they have an unwritten agreement that he can stay there as long as he is helping her with chores, rides and other activities? Or, is he knowingly trying to establish residence in your mom's home? Intention is everything. Where is his heart in this? Once you know this, then act accordingly.
I have a similar situation with my mom's narcissistic, abusive boyfriend in her house. I can't get him out until she becomes hospitalized or needs skilled nursing care. She gets to have the choice of keeping him there, although he pushed his way in (she doesn't see that, but everyone else does). If he was a nice person, I wouldn't mind - it's a companion for her.

My adult brother freeloaded off of my mother his entire life. By doing so he did not grow and mature and she put up with his drugs and dirty living just so she could have company. I explained to my mother that with the drugs and drinking his mind was not there anyway and by letting him freeload and not contribute to anything she was doing him a big disservice. My brother now is forced to live on his own and has ended up in jail many times. IF my brother contributed to my mothers well being and if they had a healthy relationship I see no problem of him living there. Many people die of lonesomeness so they tolerate just about any kind of abuse. My other 3 siblings would talk to mom and she always accused us of being envious of our youngest brother. He was busy doing his usual drugs and drinking and she was dehydrated and almost died, he got arrested and almost put into prison for neglect and abuse of an elderly. I hired a lawyer and helped him get out of it because I knew she was to blame too for allowing him to not contribute and to constantly take her money. He absolutely did NOTHING to help her yet she would lie about how good he was just to keep his warm body in the house. My siblings and I were always very concerned and of course wanted our mom to have company, but good healthy company not bring the drugs and drug infected people to her home. Bottom line, if the relationship is a healthy one and it works for both of them let it be.

I have no intention of putting my mother in a nursing home. I have always taken care of all of her needs. I cleaned her condo weekly when she was ling alone in her condo, 6 yrs. she stays at my house every winter or when she is sick, I have bathed her when needed. cleaned her bottom when needed stayed in the hospital 24 hrs when she is sick and always done her meds and dr appts. My brother never has and never will "help her" in any way. All he does is make more work for her and me. He is not disabled just plain selfsh. I am not jealous of him nor do I believe he is protecting her from anyone. Its just the 2 of us. All he wants is a free ride as usual

Sounds like you just want to sell the house and put your Mother in the nursing home. I am sure she enjoys his company and is taking care of everything for her including saftey. My self I do all medication management, meal planning, home care management and am with my Mother 20 hours a day. No one really wants to stay in the house for over two 20 hours a day taking care of all task except some who really care. I just fell your intention are more that is said in your statement. How many time have you went over and really taken care of your mother bath, meds, take to bathroom, etc. I have daughter that came and stayed with my mother for 12 hours and did not even talk to her or cared for her all they did was ask about the property. What does that tell you. If you are just taking your brother from your mother because you are jelous be carefull because Karma is a b*tch.

My Brother is doing all the work. My mother three daugter just care about my Mothers house and money one is a gambles and has stolen from her Mother when she was greifing over my Father. The other wanted the house and accounts of my Mother and does not help in any way. And the other just does not care. Be careful who you believe there are alot of greedy liers out there and most comes from family. The brother above could be protecting his Mother from the greedy leeches that are afraid that the Mother will out live her Money. There are very shamefull people out there that don't care about no one but themself. Myself I will leave it to the lord and they will learn what it is like to be alone with no one.

If he refuses to leave you have to evict him like any other tenet. This happened to a friend of mine and her freeloading brother who refused to leave after their Mother had passed away. She needed to get the house ready to sale and he was trashing it. So sad but law enforcement had to come and evict him and he lost all rights to any inheritance that was to come his way. He had a mental condition and they have no relationship anymore.

I would assume that under the trust, he has rights to half the house as an heir. Read your trust documents carefully, moving in with you does not necessarily give you control of a trust, or the house. Not all trusts are immune from Medicaid Estate Recovery Program (MERP). Check your state laws.

I did a quick deed and evicted all 3 of them through the courts!

Thank you all so much for the comments and insight. Please understand I do recognize the fact that she enjoys his company. I also appreciate the fact that he will drive her to get groceries and to get her hair done. He does not clean anything. nor does he contribute financially to his own upkeep or her care. I myself am a mother of 2 boys. I have not nor will I enable my children under any circumstances. My brother needs to be on his own for his own good. Trust me when my mother is gone I will not support him. The condo is to be sold and each get half The longer my brother lives there with his 2 cats and no one cleaning the it is going to cost to prepare the condo to sell. I am certainly not "jealous" of my brother.

DrJackdds, I wouldn't recommend doing the shrimp thing, especially if one plans to put the place up for sale. That smell could get into the carpets, the cabinets, the paint on the walls, etc. Thus more work for the owner to clean/paint/install new carpet, etc.

my advice is to get her to sign power of attorny over to you fully. then if anything happens, id contact a lawyer for free advice to see what your options are for removing him from the property. hope this helps

Once you Mom is out of the home and if he will not leave voluntarily. You can place shrimp around the house in hidden areas. In curtains, inside toilet water tanks, under kitchen counters, behind the dishwasher. Out of the way areas that he won't be able to find. I'll bet after a few weeks he will want to move out on his own.

You are creating problems before the problems even exist. Clearly your mother consents to your brother living there & that is her choice. Obviously one day she will pass away, & if your brother is still living there, then you can deal with the situation. You have no idea if, by then, he will be living someplace else & you won't have anything to worry about or if he will still be there.

If he is still there & your mother passes, even though he would have been considered a month-to-month tenant (which I am not even sure he would legally be considered since he is family & was just living with your mother without a lease to memorialize his tenancy), the ownership of the home would change & you are not legally required to continue the same agreement that your brother had with your mother. If the home is left to you & no one else, you can evict him since you will own the house after she is gone----that is, if she owned the house outright & there were no mortgages or reverse mortgages on the house.

This arrangement bothers you much more than it bothers her, & you're creating stress for yourself that doesn't exist & may never exist. This is what she wants, so don't worry about it. Even though you look at your brother as a lazy freeloader, he is still her son & that is how she will always look at it.

Ranbrew, your brother has tenant's rights. If he refused to move, you could not, as an example, change the locks on the door. The fact that he probably isn't paying any rent doesn't matter. Because in all likelihood he doesn't have a lease, he is considered to be a month-to-month tenant.

If he's still there when you are in control, you are required by law to give him 30-days' notice in writing. If he still doesn't move, you will have to begin eviction proceedings. Although our court system doesn't require you to have an attorney to do that, I certainly would. Personally, I'd have no earthly IDEA where to begin.

If he doesn't move voluntarily, it's a lengthy and rather expensive task to put him out. Welcome to Landlord/Tenant Law.

Thank you Youngestofsix. Your comment helped put things in perspective for me. So many people here mention siblings as free loaders rather then companions and caregivers. My biggest joy is my children being around even if they frustrate the h*ll out of me. Good luck, ranbrew, sounds like you have the power, so that's good. Your bother might be presenting early signs of Alzheimer, I know it sounds crazy but I've been to caregivers support groups where the caregiver thought their loved one was just lazy and scatterbrained only to find out....they needed to be given care.

Good grief! You are worrying needlessly about events that have not occurred and probably never will. Don't you realize mothers and sons have a much stronger bond than mothers and daughters? It is her house. It is her decision to allow him to stay, and as a trustee of her estate, until she dies or becomes incapacitated by doctors, you have no say in her business. Stop being a jealous sister and try to get along. Your brother is who he is, and leave him alone. He is probably company for your mother and she obviously likes the arrangement. Chill...

Had similar with my siblings... 3 have moved back in at different times over the years, meaning my patents never got the retirement they deserved, and didn't sell the big house and move to a more practical elserly comunity development.
Dad used to moan and bitch to me about them and blame mum for being a soft touch, but y'know what, it was his house and he could have laid the law down any time. Took me a while, but I eventually stopped blaming my siblings and realised it was my dad's decision and responsibility.
And there is part of us as parents that actually likes having our kids need us.
Your mum probably enjoys the company and looking after him. I can imagine I'd be like that when I'm older. Must be lonely at times for your mum. Try to see it that way.
(My sister lost her house and has now taken up residence in parents house, but actually it has a silver lining of being company for my dad and a live in alert should he have a fall etc.
He moans about her (she's messy and lacks common sense, which frustrates him,) but I think that with mum in hospital (7 weeks now), he likes
the company.

Legally I know you cannot evict a spouse, but I am not sure about siblings.
You'll need to sell the house to free up capital for her care.
Speak to your mum about it gently now.
I suspect right now she likes his company.
But you do need to discuss and plan for the future.
She won't want him 'homeless'. Maybe out of the the sale the house she could pay deposit and six months rent for your brother on an apartment to get him on his feet again? (Cheaper than paying lawyers to evict him, and prevents destruction of your relationship with your brother)

Try not to despise him, I've been there. (Just made me angry, didn't change the situation)
Try to find the positives about him being there right now.(company and safety for your mum, he can do maintenance stuff?)

(I do think it's a good job you have financial PoA!!)

ranbrew, if your mother comes to live with you, chances are you would put her condo on the market for sale, unless the condo is to be willed over to your brother.... as you wouldn't want to keep paying utilities, property taxes, and maintenance on the unit.

In the mean time, I hope your brother is caring for his mother, getting the groceries, taking her to doctor appointments, etc.

We can hope that he would leave of his own accord, but it doesn't sound likely.

In that case, you may have to get legal assistance. Sometimes that's the only way to handle these things, though of course it will cause more problems between you and your brother. Good luck,
Carol