My mother has lived with me and my husband for 17yrs. With the last 2 months she has put a wedge with my brothers who don't live in the same state and they are lead to believe that we have been stealing from her. She talks about us very bad to my brothers and I am harassed to give them the authority to handle her income and for her not to contribute in our household for her living expenses. My mother had open her account with my name on it in 2001 when she first moved with us. My brothers are ordering me to hand over all her information and we should not expect anything from her. We always made previsions for my mom to feel as comfortable but it has been out of our cost range because we have 3 young men and 2 are in college and 1 will be leaving the house in another year. My mom has talked about me, my husband and our children as we are scum of the earth and I have messed up my life by getting pregnant at 26 and having to get married to someone that doesn't add up to her standards (rich). My brothers call me to repeat what she has told them and they don't listen to when I am telling them of all the changes and that what she is saying not true. Mind you my mother has been living with us for 17 yrs and my brothers have only visited her 4 times and lately don't acknowledge the holidays to do something nice for her. I made a point to make a big deal for her 90 birthday to have everyone come here. When they didn't even consider that it was getting to be a little much for us to have us live with us. For the last 5 years it has been nothing but phone calls and they think that is enough. When I let them know what is going on with her, they just tell me what I need to do. I work everyday to help support my family and I have a caregiver to come 4 hrs a day M-F which she liked it at first but that young lady was not very dependable and was in the middle of me and brothers mess which keep the confusion going. Now there is a new young lady who does not listen too much and doesn't talk to her much so my mom has told my brothers that I had something to do with it and told them that I am hiding something and I had to get reed of the first young lady cause she knew what was going on in my household as far as she is concerned.
In the last 6 years we have let her have the master bedroom so she could be more comfortable being she is getting older. We are doing the best that we can and I didn't see anything wrong with her contribute so we could have enough to provide for her needs and all our kids. I just don't appreciate that my brothers want to control me and my household because of my mother outburst of us taking advantage of her. I have asked for them to come and get her but no one has come but they keep calling me to give them all this information which I don't have all of it since my mother has made me responsible of her affairs the last 4 years.
This whole situation has put a strain on my marriage and my kids don't know how to approach my mom since they have heard many conversations with talking about their parents.
I really want her to be happy and if she wants to be somewhere else I have excepted that. No one seems to help with a solution with putting her in a happier situation since she feels so bad here.
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This is generally only a problem with outsiders who have no understanding of dementia and also no knowledge that the person saying these things has dementia. In other words, your brothers.
Your mother would be spending money on her housing and food and care no matter where she is. That she is spending it with you is NOT "stealing."
I do think that you need to spend some of her money to consult an attorney who specializes in Elder Law, on her behalf. He or she can advise you about guardianship. Maybe a letter on the firm's stationery explaining to your brothers' the current situation would settle them down a little.
It MIGHT be time to find other living arrangements for Mom. Would she want to live with one of her sons? Would they do that? Or some kind of care facility might ease the strain on your marriage while still allowing you to be her advocate and visit her as a loving daughter, not as the hands-on caregiver. Maybe it is time to reclaim the master bedroom.
Further, if I even suspected with my pinkie finger that they would hire an attorney and try to do something legally? I'd go for guardianship of my mom so that they'd find the ship they planned on boarding had already sailed. (This is, of course, assuming that she has dementia.)
It is not wrong for her to contribute to your household. Seventeen years indeed. Lord, what's wrong with people??
If I were you, just on general principle, I'd spend some of mom's money and get myself to an elder law attorney to explore guardianship. Please tell us you already have her financial power of attorney.
I would just be open with my brothers about how much money your mother is spending to live. You don't need to hide if you are charging her for housing and groceries or caregivers. Those are expenses for her maintenance. If anyone talks about stealing money, all you have to say is, "I would never do that." You don't owe any other explanation.
Is your mother of sound mind? Maybe you can ask her why she thinks you're stealing from her. That may back her down in an honest way. (Either that, or he answer will make you even madder.)
We have found that my MIL's largest targets for aggression and violence are her caregivers. At one time, it was us. Now it's a facility staff. Your situation sounds similiar but the aggression is different.
Your brothers can solicit the court to order you to provide a financial accounting, depending on your state's laws. It will cost them money to do so, becuase they'll have to hire an attorney who will have to go to the court to get a court order. One way to head this off is to provide that accounting information to them up front. They seem to want that. Make them see that you have done nothing but use your mom's money for her care and expenses, which includes her share of living and eating in your house.
There does come a time when your mom might need more help than you can provide, which may be at the point she's too much to handle with all these accusations. At that point, you'll probably need to file to Medicaid support if she doesn't have a huge stash of cash or long term care insurance. Medicaid will want to see the last five years of accounting, bills, etc, and will specifically look for any "gifts" of over $1,000. Every transaction over $1,000 will require an explanation.
Just posting this to say that you should be prepared to address these concerns and NOT to suggest that you did anything wrong along the way during the last 17 years. As the one who's handled the finances between my wife and me, I made it a point to keep my in-laws' finances completely separate from our own, except when we bought them something on a credit card and then had them pay us back, just to be ready to address these kinds of problems should they arise.
Finally, Jeannegibbs suggested that perhaps she'd like to go live with your brothers a while. Great suggestion. Then they'll get a first hand look at what you've gone through for the last 17 years! And then they can see how much they're "stealing" from your mom!
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