My mom is post-stroke and has temper issues herself. Because of her aphasia, she cusses everyone out a lot and even hits people. But she genuinely can't help it. Occasionally she will have accidents and not make it to the bathroom when she refuses to go to the bathroom. My father is very hovery and is constantly talking and lecturing and worrying over her (which has always been his personality, but it is worsened by having someone who is dependent on him) and I think part of the reason she is so irrational is to spite him for not letting her have more control over her own life.
Thats just some background to the tension in the house, the main issue is that when my mom has an accident or something goes wrong, my dad will lose his temper and start cussing her out and demeaning her for it and reminding her that she is dependent on him.
He won't listen to anyone when he flies off the handle like this he just keeps saying really terrible things to her and will do it for 10, 15 minutes straight and its honestly really terrifying. If a rehab nurse acted the way he does, they'd be fired in a minute.
Ive sent him info for a therapist before but it just never happened. Ive tried explaining to him multiple things: she cant help it, yelling at her wont solve anything, yes she cusses at you but you shouldnt be on her level, she cusses at me but I never cuss back at her... I can sometimes make him snap out of it but I cant be there all the time and my energy does have a limit on it (I am a busy college student who lives at home).
Anyone dealt with something similar before? Because the bathroom is the most inflammatory issue, I have been mostly just trying to fix that but she cant help but have accidents sometimes.
If she's stable, she could be around for another 30 years...can your dad handle that long-term daily stress? About 1/3 of caregivers die before their loved one, probably because of the stress they're under. Add in your dad's controlling/hovering nature and he's a heart attack waiting to happen.
If he won't consider getting mom into a different care setting, see if he can at least get respite care, where she can be out of the house for a week or two, so that he can have some downtime, where he's only responsible for himself. Does she have any in-home care from people other than your dad? If not, see if you can convince him to bring in some outside help as another way to lessen his stress.
I'm so sorry you are going through this at such a young age yourself.
As I interacted online and in a local support group with people in caregiving situations I learned that, no, respect isn't universal. It isn't universal in marriages. When the relationship has been disrespectful, demeaning, dominating, and unappreciative it doesn't suddenly heal itself when a chronic condition is introduced.
As others have said, and as I am sure you know, your parents' current behaviors are deeply rooted in their long-term relationship. It is loving and responsible of you to want to help change that. I hope you have some success. Therapy sounds like a good bet. Getting Dad to support groups would be good. Getting some professional help for mom's biggest challenges would be helpful.
I understand what you mean about the unsuitability of long-term care for a younger person. My son (45) about went nuts in rehab after a motorcycle accident. He was the youngest person there by 20 years. But he knew he was going to go home, and he worked hard at that. It would be tough to be in your 50s and know you were there to stay. It would be best for her in many ways, but dreadful in others.
Keep trying to help. But please realize that your parents' relationship is Not Your Fault. And ultimately it is not your responsibility. Be pleased when you can succeed in small ways, but please Do Not Beat Yourself Up when you are not entirely successful. Deal?
cover herself with her hand and look around frantically. Look for any signs that she has to use the bathroom.
They're all only stopgaps, but they do the trick for now, until he has time to adjust in a more profound way. Or, indeed, as Blannie suggests, until circumstances change and he isn't trying to cope with this as the primary caregiver.
You could tape a rant and play it back to him, but he might crawl into a hole and never come out again. Speak gently but seriously to him about it and offer help. He doesn't like doing it any more than you like hearing it.
There are so many subtle issues to this kind of relationship - he may be angered that she's had a stroke and won't be able to take care of him as he expects. He may see his own eventual frailty and mortality in her. He may have been a bully when he was a child. These controlling, domineering attitudes develop from situations and experiences that your father probably doesn't even remember.
It may also be that he has that old fashioned, primitive attitude that women, including you, are supposed to be subordinate, perform to certain expectations (i.e., no bathroom accidents) and wait on men.
Over the years women get fed up with the domineering attitude and verbally defend themselves, then men often become more angered. It's a challenge to their dominance.
I see years of psychological issues being manifested now, and I don't think it will change without some therapeutic intervention, if even then.
Blannie's and Pam's suggestions to find alternate places to live for your mother sounds like the best solution. I suspect your father would be furious, because the individual he wants to control and dominate wouldn't be there 24/7 for him to do that, and I suspect he would also make a scene at any facility in which your mother went to live. Tough.
But she, as does every person, has a right to be treated with respect and get the care she needs. The stress your father creates isn't going to be anything but harmful; in fact, it wouldn't surprise me if eventually she has a cardiac event as well.
You have my sympathy; this a hard situation to handle and even harder to change.
She was just afraid to stand for fear she'd fall again, and standing to go to any other room in the house was fearful for her.
When she is of retirement age for sure, but maybe when I graduate college and go to grad school too.
She doesn't really have incontinence issues, it is that she for some reason will refuse to go to the bathroom for no reason (think dementia-like behavior)
For now, I am encouraging my dad to do a personal hobby without my mom every day (he teaches and since it is summer he is with her all day every day, which is annoying even if you're not a caregiver) and I will get him to come to caregiver support groups at least once a month.
Maybe an anger management specialist as well.
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