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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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My stepmother never informed me, that she was placing him in a nursing home. He doesn't wanna be there, and she refuses to bring him home. Can I bring him to live with me?
What are your father's impairments? How will you care for him? Have you talked with your step-mother about what difficulties she encountered in caring for him at home?
Make absolutely certain that you are making this decision with your head, not just your heart. Visit your dad as often as you can and ask for help from the nh in evaluating what his needs would be at home. Is he incontinent? Can you handle changing his dispers? Bathing him? If he has dementia, are there behavioral symptoms like sundowning or paranoia? Be aware that some folks with dementia can put on a good act for an hour or two for visitors. You need to know what a whole day and night looks like.
Yes to all the previous statements: he may need help beyond your capabilities. If so, why are you volunteering for a situation that will be total hell by the time it is over? Are you sure you are doing this out of compassion (even if misplaced) and not getting into some sort of competition with your stepmother? Take a step back and think: you have read the posts here, because the drudgery does not end, can you handle it... Nobody really wants to be in a nursing home (well, my ex mother in law wanted it... oy) and as someone pointed out, of course he's gonna say he doesn't want to be there. Don't get in over your head. I think you can help your Dad by visiting him at the home, try and bring things that he would enjoy (as long as not verboten). Stay free.
Noodles, nursing homes don't accept patients unless there is a serious reason, otherwise your Dad and his wife would be living together elsewhere.
Please come back on here and tell us what are your Dad's health issues? Apparently something was going on that you didn't notice or you hadn't seen your Dad in awhile. Dementia patients can sound fairly good on the telephone, my Mom did, without me knowing she was having issues at home. She hid them pretty good.
Noodles, I think his wife was overwhelmed by his care and never told you all the gory details about what she had to go through. Her decision did not come easily. If she got a court order to put him there, only a Judge can decide if he should move out.
Noodles, I can tell you mean well. I was once like you. Three years of this has been rough in ways I could have never imagined. I also have a more support than many others on this site and still I have been challenged to my very limits. Emotionally, financially, socially, and it probably will get even more difficult. Good that you are on this site now seeking guidance.
Twocents is right. Unless there are special circumstances, visiting a loved one often, bringing them treats, gifts, talking with them and providing them with support is a lot more likely if you are able to go home and get a full nights's sleep. 24 hour care often exhaust and overwhelm the care giver so that they don't have much time or energy for just one on one time with their loved one. I'd make sure I was prepared for such a huge job and that I had the proper support to help me if that is what your dad needs right now.
Unless he appointed you as either his HCPOA or DPOA, you have no standing to remove him. If your dad is competent, he cannot be forced to stay there against his will. He can simply leave with you.
You'd best be right in what you're doing because encouraging your dad to go home with you is a terrible thing to do to his wife and just MAY be a terrible thing to do to your dad.
I don't know of ONE PERSON who has ever said, "Yep, put me in a nursing home! I can't wait."
The answer to the question "Can Dad leave and go home with me"? depends on a number of factors you haven't told us:
Is he there under a court order? Is his wife his legal guardian? Is he mentally competent (in the legal sense) to decide where he will live? Do you have any legal authority on his behalf? (DPOA, Medical POA?)
Nursing homes are not prisons, and in general people can decide to leave. But there are exceptions regarding people who have been declared incompetent by a court.
The question you did not ask, but we all feel compelled to answer is Should you bring your dad into your home. Many, many factors go into that answer, too.
Do you live in the same town as the nursing home? Would Dad moving in with you make it more difficult for his wife to visit regularly? If she can conveniently visit often in your home, how would you feel about that?
Getting between a man and wife, even a wife who can no longer adequately care for her husband, is a Very Bad Idea. Please do not even consider this move if it would interfere with their relationship.
As other posters have said, do you fully understand why he qualifies for a nursing home? This is not like checking into a hotel, or even like moving into an assisted living facility. People in NHs are there because they need skilled nursing care, often 24 hours a day. Please be certain to know in detail exactly what cares your father needs before volunteering to provide them.
Does your father have a progressive disease? Old age is progressive, of course, but if in addition to that he has something that gets worse over time, like dementia, Parkinson's, diabetes, then you must consider not only his current needs but his long term needs. Apparently he reached a point where his wife was no longer able to meet all his needs. You are younger (I assume) and maybe you could care for him a little longer. But Please do not go into this thinking it is forever. You may give him a pleasant respite for several months or a few years, but don't insist you'll do this beyond the point where it is no longer what is best for Dad.
Is your home accessible for any appliances and devices that may be needed in caring for Dad? Wheelchair, hoyer lift, shower, etc. If not, can you make them accessible?
If Dad becomes incontinent, would that make a difference to you? What will you do if he has serious trouble sleeping at night?
Do you have a spouse or children in your home? That can be either a big help or more often a serious complication -- usually some of each.
Would his wife be accepting of this decision? Would she fight you about it?
We really don't have enough information to answer the question you did ask or the question that is equally important that you did not ask.
I think many of us would be willing to get more specific if you care to provide more information.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Make absolutely certain that you are making this decision with your head, not just your heart. Visit your dad as often as you can and ask for help from the nh in evaluating what his needs would be at home. Is he incontinent? Can you handle changing his dispers? Bathing him? If he has dementia, are there behavioral symptoms like sundowning or paranoia? Be aware that some folks with dementia can put on a good act for an hour or two for visitors. You need to know what a whole day and night looks like.
Please come back on here and tell us what are your Dad's health issues? Apparently something was going on that you didn't notice or you hadn't seen your Dad in awhile. Dementia patients can sound fairly good on the telephone, my Mom did, without me knowing she was having issues at home. She hid them pretty good.
You'd best be right in what you're doing because encouraging your dad to go home with you is a terrible thing to do to his wife and just MAY be a terrible thing to do to your dad.
I don't know of ONE PERSON who has ever said, "Yep, put me in a nursing home! I can't wait."
Is he there under a court order?
Is his wife his legal guardian?
Is he mentally competent (in the legal sense) to decide where he will live?
Do you have any legal authority on his behalf? (DPOA, Medical POA?)
Nursing homes are not prisons, and in general people can decide to leave. But there are exceptions regarding people who have been declared incompetent by a court.
The question you did not ask, but we all feel compelled to answer is Should you bring your dad into your home. Many, many factors go into that answer, too.
Do you live in the same town as the nursing home? Would Dad moving in with you make it more difficult for his wife to visit regularly? If she can conveniently visit often in your home, how would you feel about that?
Getting between a man and wife, even a wife who can no longer adequately care for her husband, is a Very Bad Idea. Please do not even consider this move if it would interfere with their relationship.
As other posters have said, do you fully understand why he qualifies for a nursing home? This is not like checking into a hotel, or even like moving into an assisted living facility. People in NHs are there because they need skilled nursing care, often 24 hours a day. Please be certain to know in detail exactly what cares your father needs before volunteering to provide them.
Does your father have a progressive disease? Old age is progressive, of course, but if in addition to that he has something that gets worse over time, like dementia, Parkinson's, diabetes, then you must consider not only his current needs but his long term needs. Apparently he reached a point where his wife was no longer able to meet all his needs. You are younger (I assume) and maybe you could care for him a little longer. But Please do not go into this thinking it is forever. You may give him a pleasant respite for several months or a few years, but don't insist you'll do this beyond the point where it is no longer what is best for Dad.
Is your home accessible for any appliances and devices that may be needed in caring for Dad? Wheelchair, hoyer lift, shower, etc. If not, can you make them accessible?
If Dad becomes incontinent, would that make a difference to you? What will you do if he has serious trouble sleeping at night?
Do you have a spouse or children in your home? That can be either a big help or more often a serious complication -- usually some of each.
Would his wife be accepting of this decision? Would she fight you about it?
We really don't have enough information to answer the question you did ask or the question that is equally important that you did not ask.
I think many of us would be willing to get more specific if you care to provide more information.
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