My brother who is POA and Guardian has whipped my 77 yr old Dad up and put him in a home before he is ready. Two weeks ago my Dad had an infection and was bleeding from his penis. He went to hospital and while he had this infection he was also very hallucinatory. He already has dementia so this was not looking good. As he was getting better he was very aggressive and wanted to go home to Mum. His outbursts and trying to leave the hospital, even trying to get out a window, made him a high risk patient. All this frightened my 80 yr old Mother and she didn't want to take him home. It's so sad because the whole reason for his behavior was he wanted to go home with my Mum as he frets for her and she is the only person he remembers every minute of his day. He has now been put in a home and my brother, who has a controlling nature, did not have a family meeting to discuss Dad's care. He cancelled a meeting the Doctors were going to have with the family and refused to allow my Dad to go to one of my sister's to take him to her home and care for Dad. Now my sisters and him are in the hugest personal, tit for tat, vindictive, family feud. They won't be talking with my Mum and can't deal with seeing Dad in the home, so those two people will suffer for this. It is a mess. It is terrible to see Dad not understanding why he has gone into a hospital and then taken onto a home and never being able to return home with Mum and be with his dogs. My sister who wanted to care for him has a lovely country home with many animals and I would have liked to seen him given the chance to go there. I want to get Dad reassessed or examined by a medical professional of Dementia. My Dad is very capable, he can make his own coffee, wash dishes, shower and go to toilet by himself. He has said he isn't as bad as the other people in the home and he is right. They are really deteriorated. He said he feels like committing suicide. In Australia our laws are different to America. They may even be different in each state of Australia too but I don't know how to find out. I want to challenge my brother as he is so completely unreasonable and is very much enjoying telling us he is the boss of Dad and what he says goes. Someone please tell me what legal and medical help I can get to diffuse this situation. At the moment I am sitting on the fence to calmly look at all angles. I also don't want my brother to have any ammunition against me until I can research and get the advice I need.
What I want to address is what I see as the key of your message: "my 80 yr old Mother ... didn't want to take him home."
You think that Dad was not ready for placement for round-the-clock care. But generally the criterion for when is it time for placement of a married elder is "when the spouse can no longer provide adequate care." In a sense, it is more about whether Mum is ready than whether Dad is. I took care of my husband at home throughout his dementia journey. I was in my 60s, not my 80s. It is a 24/7 constant demand high stress situation. It has rewards, certainly. I am grateful I was able to do it. But if I had not been there and able to do it, he could have (and would have had to) be placed in a care center the first year he was diagnosed.
You have two parents in a world of hurt right now. They both need your help, your understanding, and your support. While you are sorting out the legalities and Dad is in a care center, be sure that mother gets to visit him as often as she wishes. Find out if she can bring a dog to visit him. Assure Mom that you are so grateful she was able to care for him as long as she was. Don't do anything to feed her inevitable feelings of failure or guilt.
Your dad can be reevaluated at any time. It can wait until the legalities are sorted out. As the infection is totally cleared up and his hallucinations clear up (we hope) and he calms down, it is possible that an evaluation will conclude he could be cared for in a private home, perhaps with some in-home care.
But, Mum is no longer able/willing to be his 24/7 caregiver. Believe me, caring for someone with dementia is only marginally easier when they can toilet themselves and do tasks like wash dishes. They still have dementia 24 hours a day. And dementia get worse. Always. He may improve dramatically when the infection is gone, but he will still have dementia and it will very definitely get worse.
So ... let us say that Dad gets another assessment and he COULD be discharged from the home. Where is he going to go? You suggest that he goes to one of his daughters. Maybe that would work and maybe that would be a disaster. Has that woman spent a lot of time helping Mum take care of Dad? Has Dad spend some time at her house so that Mum could have some respite? Or is this being proposed out of the blue, and this would be her first exposure to 24/7 dementia care? Does she have family living with her? Will her house accommodate a walker? A wheelchair? (That Dad doesn't need these now says nothing about the near future.) What will she do if he tries to escape out a window to go back to Mum and his dogs?
"Oh Dad isn't so bad. He can still take a shower and wash dishes," is wishful thinking. He might be better off than most of the people in the care center he is in. Someone always is the least afflicted and someone is always the most -- but that doesn't mean they don't belong where they are.
Brother may be so controlling for the wrong reasons, but that doesn't necessarily mean he is doing the wrong thing. As you are sitting on the fence trying to evaluate this, try to focus on what is best for your parents, and try to leave brother's annoying personality out of your considerations.
You and your sisters should continue to support your Mum, and do your research about Guardianship. It's really out of your brother's hands. He signs the papers, and that is a hard hard thing to have to do.
Listen to Pam. As far as I'm concerned, she's one of our site experts. My only advice to you is not to fan the flames. Continue to be as neutral as you can. There's enough animosity already. Realize that your brother is probably doing exactly what he thinks is the right thing. That's why your dad chose him. It's not easy for him either.
The really sad part is that the sisters won't visit Dad in the home and aren't talking to Mom - are they angry with her for not keeping Dad home? OMG, is there anything to be done about that? The estrangement of everyone is taking a tough situation and making it a hundred times worse for everybody. PLEASE, as Jeanne says, make sure your deep desire to avoid facility care is not based on wishful thinking...as hard as it is to see and recognize in your own parent, there is probably no way to reverse Dad's condition.
I suggest you make sure that your fathers doctor/ geriatrician is in regular contact with your father and brother so that you at least have another authoritve figure in the mix. And all siblings should put any alternative living plans to your brother and mother and so you can all workout what is best.
Your brother although controlling, may be thinking a home is best so that he is not laden with the caring role. If your sister wants to care for your father and that is what everyone else thinks is best for your father then your brother should listen and consider the option.
Good luck.
You and your husband bought your Dad a recliner as a present. Appropriate and very nice of you.
Sister wants to get a fridge for your Dad. Er, and who's paying? That's the thing. If she wants to buy him a fridge as a present, she needs to get clear specifications and make sure it's the right size and model - then it would be very nice of her, and not just a flaming nuisance. And if actually she's expecting to order the fridge for your Dad but claim the money back, then your brother is correct and she does need his go-ahead.
In other words, although there may be a dearth of diplomatic language right now, your brother is not control-freaking, he is anxious to do this very difficult job well.
Anyway, though, that's actually the easy bit.
Now look. There is a world of difference between challenging your brother's decision, and asking pertinent, reasonable questions - also known as taking a loving interest - about your father's care. What about having the delicate conversation with your brother where you set out the ground rules? I agree that you really don't want to start from "I don't want Dad to be in here, how often are we going to have him assessed so we can get him out?" - because your brother's got enough on his plate without having to cope with a huge helping of uncertainty. So: you act on the assumption that your father is currently in the correct care setting, you work with that to see what can be done to maximise his quality of life, and (keeping it quietly to yourself) you keep an eye open for evidence that his move has been premature. If and only if there is abundant, unambiguous evident of that sort do you then go to your brother, present it to him, and suggest that the care might want to be stepped down.
Most men like clear decision making in most things, and if you've got to do something unpleasant, like incarcerate your own father, you want to get it decided and done and no going back. This would explain why your brother is going at it like a train. If you can make it clear to him that you accept the decision and now aim to make it work well for your father (always keep the focus tightly on his benefit), maybe your brother will stop cutting you off in mid-sentence. Email can be useful! - he might delete it but at least he can't interrupt you :)
But going back a bit, the image of your lovely, free father out there on horseback surveying the bush? Enjoy the memories with him, stop pretending those days are coming back. It'll be easier on both of you.
See All Answers