How can I get him into an independent or assisted living center? He lost his wife 5 months ago and has been living with me and my husband for the last 3 months. He says he doesn't want to impose on me. I think he just doesn't like me. He's essentially a recluse, has always relied on Mom to do all of the socializing and complained when she made him go somewhere so she often did things with girlfriends instead.
There are options for getting him involved with activities, but, it's his decision if he will go. If he is open to a IL or AL facility, he might be intrigued with some of the activities they have to offer. Would he go with you and your husband for lunch at one of the facilities if you sincerely asked him to go? It sounds like the vibe in your household might not be that warm. I'm not sure where that comes from, but sometimes you catch more flies with honey.
And yet I agree that the right ALF is the place to look for. My ex-husband's grandfather, may his memory be for a blessing, lived to be 96 and spent the latter twenty years of his life in long term care. But the set up was a little self-contained studio flat within the main building of the facility: if he wanted assistance, meals or company it was right there, if he didn't he could close his own front door. Ideal.
My SO is a recluse. Besides me and our dog, he sees no one. Now that he is no longer working, he is happy to be by himself. Lots of people does not seem like a good idea to me.
You did not say why he moved out of his home. If it is still available, could he move back into it--if he had daily support. However finding in-home care might take trial and error on your part.
But first, I suggest you figure out what he can afford before you proceed much farther. Money is power when it comes to caregving. See if you can find out the costs of dementia care in your area. Also find out the memory care options.
I agree strongly that he should see his family doctor to see if he is in good health or if he is depressed or anxious. You need to understand if he has Alzheimer's and what stage he is in. His stage will play a large part in the type of housing he needs. It is possible for persons with early ALZ to remain in their homes until the disease progresses.
This is a tough problem and you won't find an answer overnight.
Good luck and keep us posted. You are not alone because there are hundreds of experienced and insightful participants on this board. We can help you work through this tough problem.
If he's an introvert, as many of us are, he may not be interested in joining a grief support group. Could he perhaps be coaxed to go and listen to the others?
The focus at present may need to be to comfort him and let him experience his grief. The loss of his wife may be all he can deal with at this time. I've read that big decisions and changes shouldn't be made for at least a year after such a loss.
Would it be possible for him to go home and get along okay with visits and help from you and a housekeeper and/or caregivers?
Since you refer to the deceased as his wife rather than your mother perhaps you don't deeply feel the loss of this woman. That doesn't lessen your father's pain at this huge upset in his life.
Good luck and God bless.
My Dad had always depended on my Mom for socializing and doing all the inside household chores. Mom also made all the decisions.
Dad was happy as a clam at IL just sitting in his recliner, reading, watching 24-hour news. He also had physical therapy, and looked forward to dinner with his table mates. My Dad did have morning caregivers from an outside agency who could come in the mornings to get him ready for the day, make him breakfast and lunch. Take him to doctor appointments. Again, that was expensive, too.
Now due to numerous falls and memory issues, my Dad just moved over to the Memory Care section, which is a studio apartment. Once again, more downsizing. He's happy there, too. Much more attention by the Staff, plus 3 meals in the main dining room.
Your father may have plans for his life (because one is never too old) that do not include daily living with his daughter he loves.
Even a recluse may want the companionship of a woman, something he will not discuss with you.
Have you asked him where he wants to live?
You are his daughter. You cannot replace his wife. You cannot start treating him like a child just because he is old and it takes him a long time to do his activities of daily living. He needs time to adjust to his new reality.
Perhaps you can help him figure out how he can go back to living in his own home, if it's still available. He probably does not know how to run a household and will need help with things like grocery shopping, meal preparation, and cleaning.
If his home is no longer available to him, there are services that match up elders to live together in a private home where they share common areas but have private bedrooms. It's like real life Golden Girls and it's not just women doing it. Even though your dad is a recluse, it's important for him to be around other people his own age. As he adjusts to being a widower, he may choose to socialize with other men his age. What are his hobbies? Reading? Western movies? Antique cars?
Independent living is expensive, but for my inlaws, it makes a lot of sense because they are two people and the cost for the second person is negligible.
When my inlaws could no longer live alone, my husband and I considered getting a bigger house for the four of us. We had visions of my inlaws and my husband and me having our own "wings" and sharing common areas like the kitchen. My brother thought it was a terrible idea and we looked for independent living instead.
He does need someone to check on him, so assisted living may be an answer. Talk with him about the fact that you understand his need for more privacy and that maybe you should help him find a way to live where he can have that but still have a meal or two provided and someone to check to make certain that he's okay. This kind of living would also provide him with company when he wants it.
Best wishes,
Carol