My father in law is 92 and moved in with our family 3 years ago. He broke his hip early in the summer and has moved between rehab and hospitals the last several months. His health is in decline and while nursing home is recommended we have compromised on a nearby assisted living facility. He refuses to accept this and will not stop nagging us to come back to our home. There are so many reasons why this will not work. We have been honest with him and gone to great lengths to make his apartment homey, but he will just not relent. He has my husband so stressed and guilty. Would love to hear your thoughts, suggestions, and experiences.
It is very normal to feel guilty, but one has to remember moving him to assistant living was in his best interest. And it is very normal for the person to want to come home. If your father-in-law has any memory issues, for him *home* could mean the house he grew up in, or it could mean the final chapter of his life.
Here's hoping your father-in-law will start adjusting to his new residence and find some new buddies to hang out with.
Tell hubby that it's normal for those who go into the facilities to want to go home. Some learn to accept it as their home. And some never did. Some forget.
I've read that the best thing to do is to distract him. Some people handled this by literally walking with their loved one out the door, walk around the house, and walk back in. That satisfies them. One poster I read, literally got in the car late at night, drove around the block, went back home - and satisfied the poster. Depending on your FIL (father-in-law)'s memory, would this work on him? To take a stroll outside and then come back in? If not, maybe just try distraction.
I've also read that because 'home' is an emotional thing, sometimes just giving them a hug is enough to meet their emotional needs.
Is he capable of indulging hobbies or activities he was accustomed to at "home"?
Are their activities (other than bingo) the complex provides such as sing a longs, art classes, book clubs, outings.Many of them do.
You might be able to arrange that for him.
How about letting him set up his new "home" as he wants it instead of doing it for him?
Maybe his fav chair or whatever makes the new apartment feel like home to him? My mother has a godawful velvet painting that screams HOME to her.I hate it but she it means more to her than I do so we live with it.
Maybe having dinner with him, a house warming party to christen the place?
I think the key here is to stress the fact that in reality he will enjoy more independence in this situation than in your home if he gives it a chance.
Try to get him out into the population of his complex so he can meet people who enjoy their "down-sizing" and services provided.
When you visit always call ahead and refer to the visit as "coming up to your place/apartment".....
Remind your husband that his dad is making an adjustment.It takes time. Rule of thumb is 3-4 months for humans or animals to feel at ease in their new digs..I find this to be true with foster children, new boyfriends, newlyweds, children moving back in with parents etc.
Patience is a virtue.