My mil is alone for the first time in her life ( FIL passes away in December ) she calls my husband ( her son) for every little thing. Finances, real estate , moving, dr appointments, any bills, house repairs,now she needed medication administered iv, and he's having to do that because she doesn't want to pay for it. He's always over her house. I love her and care about her, but I'm getting so resentful . We have three kids, and I've become a single parent. He has two brothers who are happy to sit back and let my husband do everything; and he will because he feels like it's his job. She is getting more and more helpless, because she loves his attention and company . HELP!!
Thanks everyone !!!! 😄
What medication is she having intravenously and what qualifies your husband to do that competently?
The variety of things he busies himself with that you describe have one thing in common: they make him popular. What a great guy, they all say. That's a nice feeling for a chap to have in return for whatever he is doing for people; so one stratagem that you could try would be giving him small specific things to do and then laying the praise on with a trowel - just so he gets that warm fluffy glow at home, too. if he feels appreciated to start with, he might be more receptive to your explaining that you would like a bit more of him to appreciate. Then you can gradually start introducing positive alternatives for his mother from there.
All easier said than done, I know. But you'll feel better about the whole thing once you're working to a plan... (heh-heh-heh!).
Ask him to limit his time to two days/evenings a week. And rather than be at his mom's beck and call, he will plan his time with her. Her heart is broken. His is conflicted with guilt. He's the ham in the sandwich right now between you and mom.
Keep in mind that the compassion he shows with her is the same he has for you. And that's a good thing.
BE SURE to send her grandkids over to her house with your husband while you shop, they may really cheer her up!
Then, there is the IV medication. Find a nurse to visit her, not the duty of a son.
Please, don't forget the compassion.
But we manage to balance things. It's not good for me to always be totally absorbed in my parents care or projects I have going. Ya gotta come up for air once in a while.
Our caregiving situations are different. Mom and Dad both living but 600 miles away. They are in their home but it's getting dicey. I will never move in with them nor will they move in with us. I Have to spend periods of time with them taking care of things and this will continue, but I'm not going to sacrifice my life and marriage to caregiving. They will go into care when the time comes.
Having said all that, I really am inclined to side with you in this situation. Hubby needs to be able to balance his life and time for all those that need him, not just Mom. I would not want you to risk your marriage, but I think you need to confront this and stand tough. Don't make it a me or her choice. It's an all of us choice: you, Mom, kids the whole family. Of course this is very easy for me to say. I assume it won't be easy, but don't let this build up till you explode and say or do something you'll regret. If he values the marriage and your relationship he will talk about the issues and adjust. If he refuses, he's got Mom. He can Clean out the spare room at moms and move in.
1) notice your absence 2) notice how nice you look, 3) wondering, he becomes glad you still want to have fun with him. He sees on his own.
Except for the extreme circumstances, you are not experiencing anything that most marriages don't go through. It is a lot of work.
When you do get his attention, be sure you will want what you asked for.
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