Putting toe in water very gently....
Meeting for review of care options schedulted for next week. Previously attended set up & reviews but am not POA, medical decision maker, decision support person, nominee on care plan - nuffin'. (Was at one stage a nominee but they lost my info...). Not even sure of capacity to arrange.
FEEL like not going. Why waste time getting info, deciding things when I have no authority to make any decisions/actual changes.
GUILT says I should go. Be informed. Show I'm there for her *in her corner*. A lot of my suggestions are now (nearly 2 years) being acted on slowly slowly.
If I don't go, it leaves Dad to muddle through alone (although he did enable the whole situation to get where it is).
If I do go, will I undo all the brilliant unmeshing I have achieved these last few months?
Am I strong enough yet that if responsibilities that aren't mine are dumped all over me again, I can simply return them to sender?
You will also have the opportunity to run through your earlier suggestions and review progress on those.
Your role at the meeting is to keep everyone's mind concentrated on supporting your sister's function as an autonomous, independent adult as far as possible. Which means that NOT taking on responsibilities becomes your job. Will looking at it this way make it easier to see yourself as your sister's best and truest champion, instead of as a hard-nosed b-one-tch who doesn't want to know?
Make it clear to the agency that you are there as an advocate and not a planner or do-er.
Where is this care meeting taking place?
Who invited you to the meeting?
Your profile also says that you got off the bus. You could go to the meeting to make sure that you stay off the bus. You also could write a letter and send it Priority Mail to where the care meeting is taking place addressed to the person who invited you to the meeting clearly stating that you are off the bus.
Meetings always held if possible at her apartment as she needs a support worker to drive her anywhere or risks falling if using a taxi (& I won't drive her anymore).
Invited to meeting by Dad.
I skipped the recent planning meeting but have spoken to & emailed the Care Coordinator - he understands my position & is clear about my future role.
I will take the advice to go. The last plan included statements like *substantial daily family support*. I will ensure this is corrected & accurate.
I will assume you mean your sister. Does Dad have POA for her. If not, anybody?
I would be there to support Dad. Making it clear that you have no authority to make decisions. I went with Mom to doctor visits because she misinterpreted what the doctors said. Keep notes. Make sure Dad understands what is being said. Let the "powers that be" take over sister's care.
You can be supportive without taking on responsibility. If asked to, say sorry, I have a family that needs me and caring for my sister is a job on its own meaning my family suffers. Don't get bullied into something you don't want to do, it doesn't work out well. Go with those feelings. They r usually right. ☺
Oh I needed that laugh! Thanks!!!
I would explain to your father that you are currently not involved in care plans for your Mom, so you will not attend UNLESS he wishes you to.
IF your Dad says he would like you to attend, then I feel it would be the decent thing to do for him and for your Mom.
IF I went I would ask to speak briefly. I would say "Currently I am not involved in any decision making or care plans for my Mom, but Dad asked me to attend; so here I am. Dad, if you would like my input on anything, I'm here. Just ask me. I understand that the decisions are yours to make. I will try to give my opinion and then let you make the decision." I would then tell the careplanners "I will let you know only if it is suggested that I can provide care in the future that I may not be able to".
If you aren't strong enough to do it in that way my advice is to NOT attend at all. It is a simply thing to say to Mom "Dad and you will be attending a plan for your future care. The decisions aren't mine to make; they are your decisions to make together. I will do all I can to honor those decisions with what time and care I can contribute." Big hug. Walk away and get a big coffee and a delicious sweet!
Good luck, hon. Whatever your decision hope you will let us know how it goes.
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