She moved in with us 6 years ago saying she was just going to be a neighbor. She built a little apartment on our house which was 1/4 of the entrance fee alone for most ALs around here. She is healthy enough to do so much for herself but refuses. She's a great one for " I'm gonna." She plays the little old lady when it suits her which is whenever she can con someone into doing for her. Well, me. The others don't bother with her. I tell her the least she can do at dinner is clean up her place. My kids have been doing it since they were toddlers! We rearranged kitchen so she is right next to trash and only a few feet away from sink & dishwasher. She doesn't want to do it so she will sit at table alone for 20-30 mins and wait for someone to walk by so she can hold up her silverware and just expects whoever to grab it! The other day she went as far as walking over to dishwasher, which I was loading, with her silverware in hand. It would have been quicker and easier for her to drop in washer but she was determined to have me do it and when I didn't offer she stood there jabbing them at me over & over til I did take them. Then she just walked away without even a thank you for it or meal! We took her out last night to an appt.and stopped by a fast food place. Where she ordered and walked away ( as usual, no offers to pay even tho she's got more money and we pay all her bills). We cleaned up trash and she was still drinking her drink. She got up and walked right next to trash, turned back around and walked to table again, slammed down cup and yelled at me to "throw this away!" I did snap her her saying yes your highness! Which got me a dirty look and a little shove. My 1 sister ( only one that shows any concern for Mom or me) said to just do it for her. But I've learned that the more I do the more she expects! IF she really couldn't do for herself it would be different. She never ASKS us to do anything. She just announces she wants it done then waits for us to volunteer. There is no appreciation because in her mind we owe it to her, she didn't ask so no thanks needed! Now she also expects that if she announces that other relatives need or want something like 2 baths completely remodeled or a new floor put in for Aunts, Uncles, siblings...whoever, we SHOULD wait on them too for FREE! And she gets mad when we say that's too big a job ( my husband is not a contractor! He's a business mgr!) or these people have their own grown kids who should help them. She's getting so bad she wants someone to dunk her teabag for her. Let me say again, she IS capable physically! There is so many more issues with her living with me that I am beyond stressed and sick and I feel like a prisoner because of the guilt she lays on if I try and leave but she won't say a word to the angels who do nothing for her because she doesn't want to upset them. I'm so stuck now. She's healthy and looks like the 6 years she's been here is just the beginning but I can't take much more. But I am stuck because even tho I've given 6 plus years already and the rest have given ZERO, I would be the greedy S.O.B that got the addition on my house and then dumped her. They have no idea what its like to be with this demanding woman 24/7 because they are nowhere to be found from year to year unless there is $$ in it for them but they all like to tell me how bad I am for not doing more. I've tried to talk her into going to senior center and making friends but she is so anti social and says she has enough friends and enough to do ( which is a big old fib!) And now she tells me she doesn't like the same things I do or watch on TV so I shouldn't do or watch them. She doesn't like our friends visiting so she has chased them away. She gets mad when kids have friends over because they mean nothing to her so why should she have to deal with them? ( She's too nosy to go to her rooms and ignore them. She just sits and glares at people making them very uncomfortable) She said she expects me to just sit there with her all day or drive her around to see others. I am so resentful of the others especially when they expect us to do for THEM too! Sorry for the run on paragraph but when I get on a rant it just all falls out in one long stream. If she would just get a hobby, help me help her by getting a life alert or meals on wheels, anything! But she just wants to be a 2 year old in charge! I know this is similar to previous posts but I had to get it out again. Thank you all for letting me rant and rant whenever I need to!
You're embroiled in a power struggle with your mom. This is all about power and who has it. It's your house so the power is yours, mom just doesn't accept that. The next time she pokes you with silverware walk away and finish the dishes later. Just remove yourself from all of these situations. Don't get angry, don't storm out of the room. Just walk away. I know it's easier said than done and things may get worse before they get better but you have to shut this behavior down now. Maybe your siblings don't come around because your mom is so unpleasant.
As to the dishes, you might try serving her on paper plates and with plastic utensils, then put a small plastic garbage bag on her chair and advise her to place the stuff in it when she's through. If she hangs around, leave the kitchen, shut off the light and just leave her alone. Most likely she'll really become angry, but there's going to be a period of resentment until she realizes you're not her doormat.
You might also get literature on various retirement communities in the area and advise (not ask, but tell her) to look them over. From what you describe, she'll probably throw them on the floor and go into a tirade about how unappreciated she is. Just advise her then that you'll select one for her as she can't live in your home given her current behavior. Every time she pitches a fit, point out that her behavior is unacceptable and you and your family won't tolerate it. It probably won't change her, but it will emphasize that that's the reason you're dissatisfied with her. Otherwise she could pull the old "you don't love me anymore!" routine as some elders do.
You might even take her to a facility you like and tell her it's a consideration for her next home. Unfortunately, though, I think she would create a scene and embarrass you to the point that the facility wouldn't accept her.
Has she been like this all her life? Do you have any insight into why she's become so demanding and uncooperative? It could also be that you're the only one available; elders sometimes do that - they pick on the one who's helping them, not necessarily because of ingratitude but because of logistics. You're there, the rest of the family is not.
As to alienating friends, perhaps you can tell her that at such and such a time you or your children are having guests and that if she can't behave she'll have to stay in her own apartment. She'll probably act out just to spite you but I don't think you'd be comfortable locking her in her apartment as most likely she'd call 911 and report you. If you have any outdoor furniture or entertaining arrangements, just take everyone except her and go outside. Or leave and go to a restaurant, leaving her alone at home.
I'm wondering also if seeing a social worker or physician who specializes in elderly behavior might help with some insights on how to deal with her. If you take her along, she'll most likely explode but then the professional you're consulting can see her in action and make recommendations. Or maybe you can tell her that you want to help her control her antisocial behavior and have arranged for her to see someone who can help her. Then take her to a shrink or therapist. You may have to do this surreptitiously or she'll refuse to go.
There is a possibility that she recognizes she's getting old and feels vulnerable and is directing all that anger toward you.
I think the other thing I would do is create a list of everything you do, send it to the rest of the family and ask how and when they plan to begin contributing. Keep after them. The next time they accuse you of benefiting from the addition, remind them that they have no standing to complain because they're not helping.
And the next time she suggests you help the family with remodeling or household tasks, tell her you don't have the funds but if she feels that strongly she herself should hire the contractors and get it done for the family.
There is such a thing as being abused by one's elders, and this sounds like that kind of situation. This woman has made your life miserable, and even though it may be hard and alienate the family, she may need to be removed from the home before your whole family becomes ill from the stress. But if she hasn't been this way all her life, there's a reason why she's doing it now and if you could determine what it is it might help.
Good, good luck - I really hope you can turn this situation around, for the peace of mind of you and your family.
I can't afford to buy out the addition. My bills went up a lot when she moved in and I can't work. We pay everything..her phone, taxes, maintenance, food. She does pay small rent when she remembers.
I think she sees senior centers or ALs like they used to be when she worked at one in the 60s & 70s. She always would come home and say how awful they were for "the poor souls who lived there." My aunt has taken her to one to visit aunts friend, and she couldn't believe how nice it was. I think I'm going to ask for a tour and info on the one a mile away. I want to have ducks in a row if the time comes.
I have talked to her about her behavior and she says I'm making it up. I ignored that. I said she better start doing what she can or she will wither away and I refuse to do what I know she can. If she wants to live in dirt because its an effort to run vacuum, so be it! She screamed and carried on and threatened to move out ( I wish!) But I have not cleaned her apartment in a while! I hired someone to do it and she fired them. OK, no skin off my nose. Its mainly the dinner issue and she comes out in morning to " help" me get my 18 yr old ready for school???? I don't help her, she's 18! And that's when she starts arguing. 1 more month and the reason for her coming over at 6:30 will be over!
I may not know anything much about you all, but I feel like I have friends who have my back now! I'll post how doc appt goes and how I'm doing after talking to husband. Thank you again for all the great advice. I will be trying so many of your suggestions! I wish you all never need help but I hope I can offer you all such great advice in return if you do.
The lives of your children are so important and this all effects them on so many levels. You have been so generous and kind to have your mother live with you; but if she is well and able and can financially afford it; assisted living might be something worth looking into before the family starts falling apart.
I realize this is extremely difficult, but there are alternatives. Take care.
My SIL was over the other day. My mother said she needed something and I commented that she could do it. My SIL gave me this look like she was surprised I would not serve my mother. People on the outside don't understand. If they were around more, they would.
Anyway... the only way I can see to make your mother change is to change yourself. You can tell her that you are doing it for her to keep her up and active. If it sounds like you have their best interest in mind, it is met with less resistance. My only advice is to decide what your mother can do, set your limits, then stick with them.
There are times when I just want to say "Shame on you" to my mother. I know you probably feel the same way. It can work out, though.
By not waiting on her and not doing things she can do for herself.
That sounds simple. And it is, physically. Emotionally it may be a little (or a lot) harder, and if your life partner, your soul mate, your husband sabotages you at every turn, it may be impossible.
Open up to hubby about how critical this has become for you. Try to get him on your side 100%.
You perhaps would benefit from some counselling to help stiffen your own backbone. She's driving away your friends? You need some help!
If you and your husband can't resolve the issue between you, perhaps some couple counselling is in order.
As Ann Landers says, "No one can take advantage of you without your permission." Stop giving permission.
Goodness, I didn't realize that she was helpless. :)
My advice is, your mom has a lot of life yet, to lead. She needs to go do that in a AL facility.
We are similar situation (posted a week or so ago) having built an addition and provided for now 88 yo MIL. Not as demanding as your mother, but total limit on our ability to live our lives. In our case, money not much of an issue but we will not private pay for AL for her. She's in rehab now but we are moving her to a very nice facility Monday. She can private pay for ~6 months. Then it's Medicaid, which they will take.
It has been a very interesting week. To say she's not happy about it is an understatement, but she sees that daughter and son and their spouses are united. A lot of "woe is me" and "what about my money?" What's interesting is how she has pretty much turned on us, after having provided EVERYTHING for her for 8 years. Even pointing out that she already had to give up much of her stuff to move into the 450 sq ft suite we built her. When I pointed out we couldn't deal with her repeated falls like the last one where she spent the night on her floor, she claimed she just didn't want to bother us and could have come up our stairs to get us if she wanted to. Bear in mind she had cracked ribs and we had to call 911 to get her up.
It's just very interesting to see her true nature revealed. She's very selfish and has no appreciation for all her daughter (my wife) has done. I think back how considerate my wife always was, but now is pretty much "meh," regarding her mother. We're just done.
I know many others don't have the resources or support that we have and are to each other. However, no one should be made to suffer at the demands of others. It was our choice to provide for her for 8 years but that's enough, she needs full time care we are no longer willing to provide. If she loses her nice suite with a lake view and free room and board (and actually, I'm a pretty good cook!) and has to live with all those "old people" and be "institutionalized" as she says, then that's just too bad. Had she not divorced my wife's father when she was about 40, she'd likely be financially solvent and master of her own world. Instead she chooses to lash out at those who provided a lot for 8 years. We've decided that we really don't care what she thinks, we're actually really nice people!
Enough rambling about us; point is you have to take control of what you can, good luck!
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