It's been 1 mo. & she fights us verbally all the way. She says that she takes sponge baths daily, but the wash cloths are seldom used, staying dry for days at a time; yet she swears that she's cleaning herself daily. I think that she THINKS that she cleans herself, but in reality, she really isn't. We get tired of arguing with her & trying to explain that she needs to take a real bath at least once a week. She is very stubborn & we can't make her bathe. She wants to be in control over everything, & she becomes very hard to deal with for days after an argument. Any suggestions would be helpful because we will probably not put her into a nursing home unless her health diminishes seriously.
Please reference ALL video seminars on YouTube by Teepa Snow. Your mom is 93 and no doubt is suffering from a loss of mental capacity. She is losing control and is fighting with you to retain it. Of course you are not responsible for this loss but chances are she will transfer that responsibility to you. She may very well be terrified of this loss and will lash out because of it. My mom is 94 and has fought me tooth and nail for 10+ years. Teepa Snow's video seminars have probably saved my life and my relationship with my mom. Also reference Jo Huey's 10 Absolutes in dealing with the elderly.
Start with a good sturdy shower bench first. $80 at most med supply stores. She can sit on the bench outside the tub & slide in on the bench. Very important when one has even the slightest fear of falling.
A hand held shower head is also a must. She can do some or all of the shower herself in this manner. As time progresses you will do more and eventually all. A period of adjustment is in order and your bathroom is unfamiliar.
next do the arms one at a time leaving the second in the robe. Give her a big warm towel to cover the front and remove the robe. Wash the back and pull the panties down. now you can do a good job on the privates from behind and check for any problems. Put the robe back on and remove the panties and replace with clean. Have her sit and the legs should be no problem, offer to shave if she would like. Pay very careful attention to the feet and between the toes. note any fungus and treat with OTC or visit the Dr. the whole family does not need to catch athletes foot.
You have only been careing for her for a month so give it time and she will learn to trust you. go as far as you can and she will allow the first few times. Be sure to check any skin folds like under the breast because they are prime area for yeast infections. if you find anything when you have finished be sure to wash your hands well and scrub under your finger nails to avoid catching anything your self.
if all else fails it may be easier to start by doing it in bed so she can clutch the bedclothes up to her chin and you can do the dirty dead completely under the covers. privacy is extremely important with the elderly whether it be family or professionals. Seems to be lacking in many professionals these days.
"She needs to take a real bath at least once a week." She does? Why? What will happen if she doesn't? Honestly, this is one area where whatever you can persuade her to agree to is going to have to be good enough.
You and I shower or bathe daily, more or less, I expect, and feel wriggly pretty quickly if we don't. But for your MIL, normal is whatever routine she's established for herself over, say, the last twenty years. She's comfy like that. Any changes you still want to introduce have to have an upside for her, and be gone about carefully.
Tired of arguing with her? My goodness, I bet you are! So would I be. It is an exercise in futility.
Instead, concentrate on any real problems this is creating. If - frankly - she smells, you could supply her with baby wipes to use after she's been to the bathroom, for example. You can knock politely on the door while she's in there and ask if you can lend a hand with her back (everyone likes having their back done, don't they?). If it's a privacy issue, consider getting a professional caregiver in specifically to assist her with bathing, because a nurse in a uniform is much less threatening than your DIL when it comes to getting naked. One thing I did for my own peace of mind, rather than any real reason, was ask a nurse to check my mother's skin integrity; again, your MIL might be more cheerful about discussing issues like that with a nurse than with you.
Has she only been living with you for a month? That's very early days. Give her time, seize opportunities as they present themselves, and above all don't worry about bathing to schedule - just keep encouraging her and watch out for specific problems.
Also - only mentioning this because you haven't in your post, I'm sure it will have crossed your mind - do check that the bathroom is warm, easy *for her* to use, and as safe as you can make it. Small problems can be big issues when you're 93.
For her hair, use a big turkish towel around her neck and a pretty wet washcloth. You might try one of the no-rinse body washes available at the drug store so you don't have to worry about getting all the soap out of her hair. (I've never tried it that way, but it might work.) Use a leave-in conditioner. In short, make her smell and feel reeeeeal purdy. ;)
Assuming you can get her to agree (biiiig assumption, ha!) use a fragrant special lotion all over and powder her up. Put on her prettiest outfit or robe and call it a day.
P.S. -- She doesn't need a bath or shower. A sponge bath is just fine. Mom wouldn't take a bath or shower if a team of wild horses tried to drag her in, but she loves-loves-loves her spongebath.