Mom and Dad both have major health issues. Both have insisted in protecting the other until I had to call 911 on them both because they were that bad. Mom just got out of the hospital yesterday and was transferred to a post acute care center. Dad is still at the hospital and will never make it home, he is very short on time. Dad has to get his affairs in order and also still needs to tell Mom he’s dying. The only reason I know how bad Dad is is because I was point of contact when the ER found out that the other parent was also in the ER. Any suggestions on how to get Dad to tell mom and my brothers (and me) before he dies?
And your dad may sense that his wife can't handle certain news. I'd let him decide what is told and when and try to accept his decision. Such harsh news would likely just upset your mother more, anyway.
Do you think your dad has his affairs taken care of or will you and your brothers have to pick up the pieces when your dad passes away? If he's not coming home from what you understand, can you go to their home and look around to see what's there as far as accounts, information, will, Power of Attorney, etc? I know that's cold, but if he dies and your mom is in the dark about what she has left, that's very tough for her and you and your brothers. You're the ones who will be left to help your mom survive.
Now might be a good time to tell your dad things like "I'm so glad I've had a strong, capable dad all my life." "I'm so grateful that I learned to be independent from you and to take care of myself." Whatever positive things you will keep with you after he is gone you can tell him about now. Are you still somewhat estranged from the last talk you had about his health? Try to give him a chance at healing. "Dad, I'm really sorry I seemed to be meddling last year. I was only trying to help and I should have recognized that you didn't want my help at that time." He may respond crossly ("You should have left me alone!") or grab at the olive branch, ("I know you meant well.") Either way you will feel better for having attempted a reconciliation.
You are in a tough spot! Please keep in touch here.
I'm so sorry that your fathers death is immenient. Now that you have this information, take a minute and decide what your father needs support with. An attorney? Final services? Telling your mother might be something that can wait just a moment until you gather your thoughts. Your dad is in one facility and your mom in another? Did you want him to tell her on the phone? I wouldn't push this. Call your brothers and ask they meet with you. Share this information with them if you can in person. Go to your father and offer your collective support. Let him know you are there for him. After the initial shock hopefully you and siblings can decide on a course of action to take care of dads end of life wishes. I'm not sure what I would do about telling your mom. But hopefully with the support of your family you will find the right time and place.
Hopefully your brothers will be able to support you during this hard time.
If you know, why can't you talk to your siblings? Why can't you talk to dad about his final wishes? If his mind is sound he can have a lawyer visit him in hospital to make a will. My grandmother did days before she died.
Best wishes and please keep us posted.