I am 89 and I have a few physical problems. Besides which, I recognize that my memory isn't what it once was so taking care of husband's needs, of which there are more than mine, is really stressful. Those in my church don't seem to realize this and keep requesting that I help out when I am really tired much of the day. Our children live out of state, but try do what they can. We don't have the finances to afford help and so far I have been able to handle the laundry, shopping, meals and cleaning, but I do wish I could make my friends understand that I have all I can handle at present.
I think you really must feel free to be very frank with them. For Heaven's sake, even without an infirm husband to care for, you are 89 - which I wouldn't be so personal as to mention if you hadn't first! :) - and surely that entitles you to a little down time after many years, I'm sure, of contributing to your congregation.
Good words to use to people who importune you for time or work that you can't spare are "realistic" (they will have to be), "fair" (it's about time you got back some of what you put in), and "sensible" (you have to be, unless they're planning to rally round and look after both of you once you've cracked under the strain).
Also, looking ahead a little perhaps, what about asking some of these friends for help? When they call and ask if you can bring a dish to a supper, instead of feeling you have to explain that you can't manage it you could explain that on the contrary you need help with shopping for groceries - and maybe somebody's young adult child could lend you a hand for a change. Fair's fair. Maybe it's time you claimed some payback.
EmandEm, does your church have a church bulletin that is distributed out on Sunday mornings before church? I'd find out who prints it and ask that they insert a note that says that you and your husband request prayer to help with all you are going through right now and that any offers of help would be welcome. And if they keep bugging you, keep putting the insert in the bulletin. If that fails, I might ask them for a love offering to help pay for outside help to come. lol
It's very insensitive. Hopefully, the new pastor can put some sense into their heads.