My LONG story is condensed with the points that my 74 y/o mom is in a SNF with mild to moderate dementia that I believe was brought on from out of control diabetes and a 3 week hospital stay. Last year we lost my only sister and of course that depression did not help. It's always good to see her.
I lost my job about a month before she went into the hospital. It was good to have time to tend to her, but she had a terrible decline in one crappy nursing home for a few months before we moved her to another one. (They are all the same) anyway, me, my mom, my sis and my aunt lived in a four flat apartment (I lived with mom) and now it's just me and my aunt. The building is falling apart and now the furnance blew so we need to move or get it fixed.
I hate how my life has become. All I do is drive out to visit my mom and back home. My aunt expects to come with me everyday and I really see no need for her to do that EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. she just sits in the corner and reads a book anyway, what is the point? It's getting to me because she is seeing this as the "daily usual". if I get the car and go out early she will see the car is gone and call to see where I am and when I'm coming back to pick her up. I feel like I have to sneak with my own car like some cheating wife.
I do appreciate her company and help at times but she is annoying and was like this when my mom was at home. She'd expect us to invite her along EVERYWHERE. If I want to do anything after visiting my mom she's there so it won't be much fun. She always wants to go to the grocery store and acts like that is the only place there is to go. There were a few times she brought up other places like we're going to be hangout buddies. This may sound terrible but I'm not trying to make my 70 year old aunt my daily running buddy. I want to do more than drive to the grocery store. I can tell I'm getting anger and resentment issues because I feel trapped and suffocated. If I decide I want to go visit my mom at 10am I can't because she's expecting the "usual" time of 2pm as that is when we went for a couple of weeks. She sees us going together daily as "the usual" and I can't stand it.
I also don't feel like I have to give her a daily schedule of what I want to do with my car. When we go to visit my mom, at the end she'll say "see you tomorrow" or if I say I will have something else to do the next day she'll say to call and let her know what's what. So she is always setting it up to where she is expected to come along or expected to know my schedule or whereabouts. I feel like it's just to have somewhere to go and get out of the house but it's really getting to me. I'm sick of her and it's terrible to want company and can't get the company I actually want! I also have to start to looking for a job. Just wanted to vent and see if anyone has some advice as to how to get out of this rut so far.
@micki, my therapist had said I have a hard time setting boundaries and I do know that's true. She is continuing to do her daily call with "what time???" She just don't get it. I think if I tell her to call me they day before if she wants to go it will backfire and she will call everyday as she expects to go everyday as it is. I don't want her to come everyday. I don't need or want to hang out with her EVERYDAY! I'd like the courtesy that I want my personal time and space too. And I realized I'd still be digging a hole for myself if I call daily to say I'm busy or say what time I'm going and she should be ready at that time. If she can't catch on that I do other things besides just going to the nursing home that's her problem. I don't even want to get roped into daily calling her to lay down the law. I'm drained enough!
Thanks for the advice, I really needed to vent.
However I would set boundaries with your Aunt. Let her know, today I’m going to visit Mom at 10:00 if you want a ride be ready. Today I have numerous errands to run after I visit Mom, do you want me to leave you there or drop you home after out visit. Today I have an interview, I don’t know when I’ll get done and I’ll probably go right from there to see Mom for a quick visit so I can’t bring you with me today but tomorrow we can go at and give her a time. Engage her in conversation during your ride. What were some of their favorite foods when they grew, who were the neighborhood kids they hung out with. How has the town changed over the years? What was their favorite music, movies, actors? Find an old photo album and take it when you visit Mom and have them both go through it.
I'm 40 years old and still neee believe me, I know that. But it took me several months dealing with this and I really needed the time to advocate for her. No one else would have been able to do it or expected to do it.
My post was a vent about my aunt who wants to come with me everyday. I go see my mom everyday because I love her to death and because I was trying to get things situated with her. Everyday it always seemed to be something and I learned if you don't stay on the NH or hospital they do nothing they should. There is no one else to advocate for my mother but me.
My gripe with my aunt is she has gotten into this "routine" where she assumes she's supposed to come with me 7 days a week at the exact same time to the nursing home. She doesn't even ask if I have anything else to do or asks a couple of days ahead if she can come. She doesn't get out of bed until 12:30 or 1:00 and then wants a 3 hour window to get ready so then she calls at 1:00 and expects me to say I'm going at 3 or 3:30 so she has lots of time to get ready. I hate the idea that she just figured I have nothing else to do but drive to the nursing home and back daily and take her along. Even if I do go everyday I don't always want to bring her or go at the same time every time. She don't get it. She just calls everyday and goes "I'm calling to see what time" I honestly think she uses it to just get out of the house because all she does is come to the nursing home and sit in the corner and read a book. It's just getting to me because I really have no life but trying to get one. Just annoying and suffocating. I have no friends and no social life.
I have noticed my aunt just don't seem to get that I don't want her coming everyday--but she will. I know my sister would be the same way, she would not be bothered. It's just tiring because I'm mentally and emotionally tired from everything else. She was trying to come today! I just left without her and she was all surprised. And she has somthing to do tomorrow and was still trying to did out a time I was going. I mean, really.
I think she comes for something to do and a chance to do something while in a car. For months it had been all about my mother but even I'm getting tired of going to the nursing home. For a while I needed to go everyday because the NH would not what they were supposed to and it's a shame I needed to be there everyday to get on them. But I need and want to go back to work, I know if nothing else, it will be some socialization.
I just needed to vent because I noticed how things were getting into a routine and I was like 'oh no!' Especially when she would call and say "the usual time?" I had decided I was going to do the 'white lie' that someone suggested and say I had stuff to do afterward and it would be better she don't come. I mean if I do want to do something after visiting my mom then I have her in tow and she'll wait in the car, but still. Overall, it's just so hard without my sister,my ally and the one person I had to talk too. My friends abandoned me after her funeral. My mom got along and I enjoyed living at home and now she's not there.
Also, someone asked if my aunt was like this before and yep! Always annoying lol. I recall my mom and I coming in and she opened her front door and gave us a look like we betrayed her for not inviting her along. She said "I see you two!" And my mom mentioned that for days, we got a laugh because my Ma was so outdone that she said "I see you" like we were supposed to sneak past or something.
Anyway, thanks for the advice and I will put some of this in place because this becoming the norm is just to much. Even worse is if she calls at 1:00 and I say I'm leaving at 1:30 she will want extra time to get ready and say "oh how about 3:00?" What?! Then I have to wait. Ugh. Ok, guys, thank you!
I haven't lived with my sister since our teen years, but I've had her as a houseguest several times, every time being a nightmare for the same reasons you describe with your sister. Never contributing for food, making and leaving a mess, not helping with anything, and total disregard for anybody else's space, property or feelings.
All I can suggest to you is to get her out of your house. Barring that, try to understand that it's not personal. Her behavior of not about you, it comes from her immaturity and lack of empathy and responsibility. Also, if you want more discussion of this, try starting your own thread. Your post is getting lost within all the responses to the original poster, Shinigami.
Take ownership; it's not mom's or aunt's situation but yours.
Check to see if there is any subsidized senior housing in your area. Some are very nice and have a senior center on site for the residents but the waiting lists are usually long. Until you find a job, maybe you can stay with a friend or rent a room somewhere.
Call the local area of ageing - they can provide a list of housing for seniors.
But seriously, it will be hard initially, but tell your aunt what YOU can ( and want to) do. Set limits with her -i like the idea of telling her when you are going out and when she can go with you. for the rest of it, you are doing your own errands or other things and you want to be alone. Take care of you and don't get into a spiral of feeling you have to do things for others that you don't want to do or that cause you frustration. It is not selfish it is self preservation.
I have concern for you that you're setting yourself up for whoknows how long... its all relative. To sum up, I quit my job 7-ish yrs ago to look to my (then) 86 yr old mom, and get to other career goals. Dementia with ultimate denial came, her anger phase only ended 2 mos ago. Gave up on looking for work as she became the ft "job" - those of us who slid into it unwillingly & unknowingly know we were not seeking martyrdom. Its a tough road. Its also kind of tough to say relatives' expectations and innocent invasions of privacy can be a bit much.
Sounds like you're single and no kids? I know for a fact that doesn't help your situation.
Possible ideas, please take with a grain of salt, but please don't get too close to the caregiving game. Your life, your future - if you don't look to you, who's going to?
- you can get a casual job online, to ease up possible interruptions at home for a time... these jobs often come with scheduled conference calls that can last up to 3 hrs
- invent a job and great ideas above to present her the days you can take her - for the days that something comes up or you need an extra day, tell her you got called in (picked up an a.m. shift).
Please don't set yourself up for an impossible "routine" that could last for decades.
I agree, that breaking the habit of her coming along will be the key, but it will also be hard. She could be coming along because she is bored, or she wants to be with her sister, or even something else - but that's what will make redirecting her on this tough. Good luck, it's for your own well being - keep that in mind :)
I agree that some white lies are in order. Make up job interviews, dentist appointments, exercise classes, volunteer work, anything where she won't want or can't reasonably expect to join you. Mix it up so the "regular" daily NH visit falls off the schedule, replaced by visits once or twice a week at unscheduled times that she can either fit into her schedule or not as she sees fit. You both need to break this habit before it gets too ingrained in both of you.
I take it the aunt doesn't drive?
GOOD catch that the aunt is grooming Shinigami to become HER caregiver when the time comes!