How do I get aging, ill parent to act on getting a Will and what type of will should she get?

"Mom, who do you want to leave everything to when you pass? Mom will probably say, "To both of you,"

"Okay, I'm going to have an attorney draw that up for you,"

Call an attorney. Hopefully, it is someone you know. Tell them the circumstances and ask him to draw up a simple will leaving everything to you and your brother. When he calls that it's ready, make an appointment and bring your mom in for a visit and signature. If the atty won't even draw it up without meeting your mom, you'll have to bring her in first.

There are other things you can do to make it easier to transfer assets at her death, but it doesn't sound like mom's up to bank visits...

First, as to the physical issues. Doctor's good intent notwithstanding, that much consistent chemo can affect your mother's taste buds. During my sister's last round of chemo (either the 5th or 6th), nothing tasted good to her.

After experimentation, we discovered that some juices (apricot, pear) appealed to her, as did salty foods. I got the juices in bottles which I shook a bit before buying so I could ensure they weren't watery juices but had some substance. I also cooked more sausages as they're more salty and she ate those.

In retrospect, I might also have tried Gatorade for rehydration. Sometimes nutritional supplements help as well: Boost, Ensure, etc.

Second, try to find time to become acquainted with the CURE website:
curetoday/. It's online but also publishes a quarterly magazine for those with cancer and for caregivers as well.

Sometime ago there was an article specifically addressing loss of appetite.

Third, as to the will, try to find an attorney through recommendation of a friend. If you can't, search online for the state bar directory of your state, look for an estate planning or elder law practice groups, and contact those firms.

Speak with them about your situation, absolutely ask about their hourly or flat plan rates before you meet with them.

Another alternative is to search online for the local county bar association, and ask for lists of estate planning or elder law firms. Then call and ask the same questions.

My personal preference is a mid sized law firm with a variety of practice areas - estate planning, litigation, real estate, tax, and sometimes more. You'll get attorneys who have easy access to other specialty areas if they're needed in order to prepare a will for your mother. Single practitioners don't have this kind of easy access.

Attorneys generally meet with the client and go over all the issues. Before the meeting, list all of your mother's assets: bank accounts, mutual, stocks, CDs, house, car....anything of value, although you don't need to list all the personal items. If you can, fax it to the attorney so he/she can contact the institutions if necessary to prepare transfer documentation, or just to assess the situation to make recommendations.

The attorney may recommend that some of the assets be retitled in your mother's name with the two of you as having survivorship rights. There may be other suggestions so the assets can pass directly to the two of you jointly in equal shares and avoid probate.

You can also check out a law firm's website, see if it has an archived list of publications on estate planning and read those. It will not only help prepare you for any meeting, but it will give you an idea of the breadth of the law firm's practice.

If your mother is too weak for a visit, the attorney may come to the house. Ours came to the hospital as my sister was too weak to take any kind of trip. In another situation at a law firm for which I worked, the attorney spoke at length with the individual, had the documents prepared and went out to the home the next day for execution. There was a time factor involved; the woman died shortly after executing her will.

A good firm will have flexible attorneys to accommodate someone who's ill. if anyone tells you they can't do that, keep looking.

Maggie raised the issue of taking your mother to a bank. Good point. Given your mother's weakness, a good law firm would make alternate arrangements and handle all the transfers by contacting the institutions, getting the forms faxed over, prepare them, and bring them for execution at the signing.

Then the staff would either fax them (if the institution accepted electronic signatures), or hand deliver them. That's why I recommend a good sized law firm because they have the resources to move quickly.

Best wishes, and I do hope your mother is able to regain some of her strength.

So where has this ended? No will or legal documents? You guys have reached some sort of family agreement? What am I missing here?

Contact a friend or neighbor and ask for a lawyer referral. Then immediately call them and make an appointment; if mom can't travel easily, ask if the attorney will come to the home; some are willing to do that and then have the discussion with mom.

At the same time, the lawyer can draw up DPOAs, Advanced Medical Directive (to document mom's wishes if she should become incapacitated and doesn't want extensive further treatment), etc.

Figure about $700 for all of the paperwork -- but it is well worth it to have it completed legally and be up to date.

Get started before something happens and mom can't make decisions or is incapacitated.

Thank you all for your suggestions! After posting my question I told my mother about my call to the elder care attorney. When I explained that I talked to him about a will and POA's in case she is incapacitate her response was, "you already take care of the business, I don't need an attorney."

I forgot to state that my mother has trust issues. She doesn't trust either of us, although i take care of all of her business. She's checked on me a couple of times. She thought I'd taken money from her (had my brother thinking the same thing). When shown what was done with her money (bills) she finally relaxed in that area.

The problem for me is she has a reason not to trust my brother (he has a life long addiction), but I've never given her a reason for mistrusting me. I've even paid off lots of credit card bills, made big ticket purchases (washer,dryer), put money in her savings account and last of all forsook all to come and assist with her care.

I've learned so much about how my mom see's me since I've returned home to help. I truely dont understand but has finally gottten past some of these things and only want the best for her. I even explained to her that I dont want anything from should she go home to be with the Lord. I just don't want it to be difficult for me or my brother to take care of her last wishes, or for it to be difficult or lengthy for my brother should she decide to leave all to him.

She did not change her mind, no legal paperwork or attorney needed.

Thanks for all your suggestions...May God bless and keep you all!

She did not consent to getting an attorney, POA's, will or anything. She says she doesn't need any of that.

Well, she's wrong! Find her some online articles from AARP or something and leave them around. She probably does not want to think about it, but if she has any heart for you at all, she might just be willing to do it. Or, maybe she'd like to make sure some amount goes to a charity, that could be a reason...

DebDaughter, not including the "is intestacy really that big a headache?" bit you have just composed 471 words answering your own question.

What someone could have pointed out to your FIL much earlier on is that nothing obliged him to share the contents of his will with anyone, not even with MIL, while he was alive. He could have made his will, left it with his lawyer, and heard no more about it; and if he'd done it properly nobody would be left in any doubt about what was to be done with his estate.

But as long as you don't mind "seeing what happens" when all the wrangling and misunderstanding is over, then no it's not a problem. And it is the norm (guilty!): in the UK, more people die intestate than not; and I wouldn't be surprised to learn that the same is true in the US. Periodically the government and the professions join forces and run a publicity campaign urging us all to get it done. Myself, I've found it too depressing to see "I leave my entire estate of 57p to be divided equally among my three children or their heirs" down in black and white so I haven't bothered; but if you have property of any significant value, and certainly if you have any dependants you care about, you need to get it done.

One way I got my parents to update their Will was tell them that the State would tax the daylights out of their estate unless the Will is written by an Elder Law attorney, yada, yada, yada.... the word "taxes" got my Dad's attention.... the Wills, POA's, etc have since been updated :)

So ask your Mom if she would rather see you and your brother get her estate, or the State get a lot of her estate from taxes [sometimes we need to fib to light a fire under stubborn elders].

You have every right to be angry with your mom (in case you're feeling those feelings). She's leaving you and your brother in a bad position once she leaves this world. In my opinion, a loving mother should want to take care of her children and make it easy for them instead of avoiding/ignoring the steps that will help them when she's gone. Particularly since you've both been physically active in her day-to-day care. So if you're feeling any anger (I would be), it's understandable. Hugs to you for doing the right thing for your mom, despite her lack of support for you.