My elderly aunt moved in with us and will not stay out of our end of the house. How do I get her to stop invading our space and respect our need for privacy?

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My elderly aunt moved in with us and will not stay out of our end of the house. How do I get her to stop invading our space and respect our need for privacy?

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My 86 year old aunt moved in with us since she could not be alone anymore--arthritus and such. She did not have enough money to go somewhere else and her brother and sister did nothing to provide for her either. She lives in an apartment we have in the lower level (bathroom, bedroom, very nice living room, laundry room). She comes upstairs to use our kitchen.

She will not stay out of our end of the house! There is nothing here that is hers. I have a special needs child who needs privacy (she makes my child anxious) and we need privacy too! I've asked her to please respect our end of the house (just 3 bedrooms). She goes along and then makes up some excuse like she was looking for something and goes there when I'm not home and then confesses when I get back. I am so sick of this!!! Trust me, there is nothing in our rooms that is hers. She just wants to be a busy body and look in our rooms etc. I'm ready to put up a door! She gets so offended if I close the bedroom doors.

How do I get her to stop invading our space and to respect our need for privacy. She has half my house and use of our kitchen and living room and dining room. Why isn't this enough? I don't go down to her apartment and snoop around...I respect her space. She won't respect ours. She is stressing out my child and me and my hubby. I'm starting to get stress chest pains. I need this to stop now.

Multi-generational Living

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Sounds like she is bored and this has become a little game with her. It is obvious that talking to her doesn't work. Is she forgetful?
I think that installing a door in the hallway leading to your bedrooms might not be a bad idea - especially if this one thing is causing your family stress. If she becomes offended by closed bedroom doors or a new door, she will just have to get used to it. You have provided her a lovely home - not to mention her own space - so you deserve to claim a little corner of your home as your own private space.

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I think the idea of installing a door to your bedroom hallway is a wonderful step toward privacy. Could one be installed at the beginning of your aunt's apartment, too? You are great to give her a home within your home. Best wishes.

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Tell her that she has not respected your reasonable boundaries and thus the consequences are shut doors some of which like bedroom doors need locks probably. Let her be offended. That too is a consequence of her choice. She's a guest in your house not the owner and she is there by your gracious kindness.

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My 87 year old grandmother lives with us. We bought a duplex and renovated when she either had to go to a nursing home or live with family. No one else (even her son) wanted to help. She has her own LR, BR, and bath. I cook for her as she is not mentally capable (Alzheimers).

I agree with the previous postings. You must make her respect your space even if that means putting up a door that locks. You might even consider putting a kitchenette (small apartment sized appliances) in the apartment area and keep her out of your living area all together... except when invited to come in, of course. Do not let this go a day farther without taking control of the situation. Believe me, I speak from 5+ years of experience!

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Lol must be an 80+ thing, my hubbys aunt lives with us and is 85, she does the same thing, sha also has her own wing, I nice size living room, bedroom, bathroom, nice space. Nice hevy door so she can have her own space and privacy. She goes into my kids bedrooms on her walker. Even complains they have stuff in their floor. I have 5 kids ages 4 to 12 there are always things in their floors, but they are allowed to. Matter of fact I make them keep toys in their bedroom so that she dosnt trip on one. So those are the only rooms in the house I told them they could play freely. Its supposed to be rooms that they can go to when they ned their own private time. But its not. She dosnt cook but she has her own mini fridge in her room for snacks, she keeps cereal and milk in her room, she has eaten cereal for years for breakfast, she gets up somtimes at 3 a.m. ready to eat, she wanted it in there so she didn't have to wait on me at 5:30. My father in law has watch her many times going through our whole house while we are gone. I started locking my bedroom and bathroom door to keep her from going in there. I watched her through the garage door one morning looking through all my kitchen cabinets and in the stove refridgerator. Just opening them all up. Looking through my mail pile. Its aggrevating. And you feel more than angry cause they go through your things, you feel like you have no privacy. Its like they have invaded more than just your time. You do all these extra things so they are comfortable in your home and they have their own space,own privacy. But you lose all yours.hubbys aunt even had a meltdown one day cause I had 3 towels in MY bathroom floor. A bathroom she dosnt even have to use. Its a horrible way to live. And if asked to to it again id say no way. I don't think it helps to tell them. Not sure they remember, or care. I will be trying to nap or take care of the kids and she comes out to ask me a question I've already awnserd,or to just sit in the kichen. And its always when I'm busy. I guess they get bored or somthing. I don't have an easy awnser for you wish I did. I think you should definatly put a door up although in my experience it dosnt do any good. But my house is set up different I think. I have bedrooms off from both sides of the living room. So I can't really block them off. She has no need to go to any of them. She dosnt pass by them on her way to anywhere.

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Neahton also, she won't go out and do anything, she is gone 1x a week for a hour to get her hair done. And about every 6 months she has dr.appts. she says she dosnt want to be out in public,dosnt enjoy being around other people, dosnt do her yarn craft hardly ever. She's running out of plastic canvas and dosnt want to buy anymore cause she dosnt think shell live long. She just watches tv falls asleep, eats, has me let the cat out as much as she can get me to. She takes her walks through the house, a few times a day. I've tried to get her to come out and watch tv with us but she won't. Dosnt play cards anymore. Will come set at the kitchen table and visit for a bit, then wants to know if I have a few minutes for the kitty. I'm so worried about the summer. They will be out of school all summer. And want to go to the park,swimm, be ouside. But its gonna be hard. Sorry for going on and on, its been a rough couple of days. As I'm sure aiddenrain knows all about. Thank you guys so much.

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The combination of an aunt like that plus a child with autism is quite a powder keg that might explode this summer or put you in a nursing home or rehab. It sounds like the level of care and supervision she needs is beyond what one person can do 24/7. Is it possible for her to live somewhere else?

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aidden omg, they must be long lost twin sisters or somthing. I'm lucky in the way that she is on a walker so that does limit what she can to to a point. She comes sets in the kitchen and picks out every thing wrong in there. "oh someones shoes is under the table" "oh,who's boook is this,someone left a book here" you better come get it and pick it up". Its homwork, they went to the bathrooom,they will come get in in a min. ARRGGHH. My houise has sufferd though because of all the time i spend in there. which makes it even harder to keep it all out of her view. So i stopped trying to make everything perfect for her. I figure if the house gets a little behind,barring anything in her way that she might get hurt on, I'm not gonna stress over that aspect anymore. I keep her room tidy and clean, and try to keep things picked up in the rooms she is SUPPOSED to be in,other than that she shouldnt care if the kids has their little indian figures set up. Or left their pj's in the floor or whatever. oh my about the gift giving things!!! What is that all about. When she moved in she had a big hoard of empty butter bowls, jelly jars,cherry jars,ect. Gifted them to me cause she couldnt cook anymore, so i might as well have them. To be honest I threw them away,only took them cause it was a big deal to her. yeah, wants to know where those are at, those were nice little containers,she says. NOT. Then she gave me 3 little stuffed animals, someone has given her over the years, told me to give them to the kids so I did. Few days later my 4 year old was playing with one of them carring it around like a baby, goes out to the garage with it,lays it own on the steps so that he can ride his bike in the garage. She follws him out there and FLIPS OUT. How dare he have that,that goes on his bed it dosnt get played with(are you kidding me??) Takes it back to her room, puts it on top of her fridge and says i will just keep it, if they arnt going to take care of it. Then spends the rest of the day getting onto him about it. What the heck. He's 4 your lucky you didnt find it in a puddle of mud lady.......all over a dollar store stuffed animal. Yes i have stopped accepting these "gifts" now instead of taking it to passify her, i offer to take whatever it is to the local thrift store, or charity bank. That way i dont have to say it belongs in the trash,but i dont have to take it either. That must be very challenging for you to handle along with an autistic child. It's hard enough without kids, or with kids that are fairly self reliant. I cant imagine how people done it back in the olden days when it was so common for familys to live with elders. I doubt elders lived that long back them. Now instead of just taking care of kids, mom or dad, there are also a growing number of people taking care of grandparents,aunts ,uncles. Lots of times I think the children of the elder are still trying to work,have there own health problems, so us here young 'ens gets the job. Do you have any alternatives to getting out of this? Or are you stuck like me?

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Blending families is never easy in my experience. If she paid to construct her own living space, you really can't ask her to leave. I would put locks on the bedroom doors and put up a door or room divider at your end of the house (that is difficult for an aged aunt to move). Your aunt would object if your children went uninvited into her space, and you could offer to put a lock on her space to respect her privacy as well. It's harder to argue with someone offering to protect HER boundaries too. My experience has been that as folks have less to occupy their time, they will look for things to occupy them. Phrase it as keeping the clutter from your family out of her way the same way she is keeping her things in her space. My son has autism, and when my mother visits, we have to set definite space areas and boundaries to make sure they do not rub each others' nerves as well. Good luck, and take time for yourself. Helen

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I have worked with many cases such as all of yours. Many of you with the same stories....... Unfortunately these individuals are bored and lonely. Imagine yourself removed from your home, space and anything familiar. It's a difficult job and I'm sure you and your family feel as though there has been an invasion in your home. Simple things to do would be 1. Adult day care..... Paid for by Medical. They will come pick them up they will give them lunch AND they have medical staff for them too and simple issues to take care of. They are gone from morning to late afternoon and are brought back by the adult day care centers. This is a good opportunity for you to introduce them to people their own age and issues. 2. If that doesn't sound appealing get them involved in daily activities. Give them jobs to do. Have them fold clothes, fix beds or wash dishes. 3. Have them prepare a side dish. A salad or peel potatoes or grate cheese. They can do the same task everyday. Keeping them involved or busy will help them feel needed and part of the family. So that they don't look through your things. Give them a box of pictures and have them organize it. Give them albums or glue to paste them into a book. They may have dementia but they can still remember events. If all else fails, see if you can find a interim respid care or a caregiver (IHSS) this is called .... In Home Support Services.... State funding pays for this, to come over and help them in their home. Or to take them to the movies or walk down the mall. Sometimes just keeping them busy keeps them out of your hair long enough for you to enjoy your time with them when you do see them.
Hope this helps a little.

My elderly aunt moved in with us and will not stay out of our end of the house. How do I get her to stop invading our space and respect our need for privacy?

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