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In October my boyfriend and I let his 74 year old dad move in with us.He has multiple medical problems such as diabetes, congestive heart failure and more

Just days after arriving, he decided to tell me that my place was to cook and clean and I had no say in anything else, was to keep my mouth shut and do as I was told (by him). I of course responded with "This is my house and your son does not treat me like this and neither will you" Well me standing up to him, made him mad, but oh well, it is my house. I continued his care.

He is a Vet, so I got him set up with the VA Hospital here, and started gettting him excellent care. I was taking him to all his appointments, handling all his pills, scheduling, talking to the doctors and basically all aspects of his care, including wiping his butt when he couldn't. He developed Gangreen in his foot and leg due to diabetic foot sores, and had to have an amputation of his leg above the knee in December.

He continued to occasionally be mean and degrading to me. He also started trying to step in and correct our 8 year old son, yelling at him, telling him that he was stupid, telling him that he is a bad kid, and this continued despite my boyfriend telling him that he is the grandfather not the dad and it is not his place to correct our son or say things like that to him. He then started only doing it when my boyfriend was at work, which left me the only one here to defend our child, but when I would tell him to stop or that it is not his place, I got screamed at, cursed at, called every name in the book, told it was none of my business, told to shut up, I'm worthless, just the maid, and so much more. I would repeately call my boyfriends cell phone crying and mad. When he would get home he would say something to his dad, tell him to stop and then things would be good for a while.
However the other day things got really bad and have stayed consistantly bad for two weeks now. I slept in the other day, because I am so exhausted and emotionally drained. I got our son up late for school and had him getting ready, and went back to my room to get dressed because I had an appointment and so did dad. While I was getting dressed I heard dad yelling at our son telling him to hurry up he was making us late, and it was all his fault, and he never does what he is told to do. I went out and asked what was going on, and told him it was not our sons fault it was mine because I slept in and again it was not his place to be saying anything to our child. He turned on me screamed at me, cursed at me, verbally bashed me, bad mouthed our son, and we argued until I finally walked away and called his son. His son had me leave the phone on speaker and lay it down while we finished getting ready to go. While our son had breakfast I placed dads breakfast and pills on the table but he refused to come eat as he was sitting in the living room pouting like he often does when he doesn't get his way. I finally told him that he could "either act like an adult and come eat so we could go or he could stay home, it was his choice I didn't have time to argue" He ignored me completely. His son told me to go take our child to school and go to my appointment as planned, so I did.

In the meantime after my first appointment and before I got to my second I got a phone call from dad's dr that there was a problem with his blood work and his potassium was at a toxic, heart attack level, so I skipped my second appointment to come home and check on him and tell him that more bloodwork was needed. I was again cursed at and told to stay away from him. The nurse came and took more blood. I offered lunch that was also refused. Then the dr called back and said the level was still too high, dad needed to go to the hospital. I had did get him to listen long enough to let me take him to the hospital, but while at the hospital (I had to take my son cause it was after school) my son was acting up and I was told by dad that I needed to "punch that boy in the mouth then he would listen". I was so mad as this was not the first time he had said this, and I told him that it was inappropriate, and child abuse to say the least.

Once he was released and got home, he went off on his son, tried to tell him lies about the entire thing such as I just left him and didn't take him to his appointment, I didn't feed him, I yelled at him for no reason, ect. When his son told him he was on the phone and heard the whole thing and defended me, then he went off on is son telling him that he was a lier, wasn't his son, was worthless, basically anything he thought would hurt him. His son finally told him if that's the way he feels then maybe he needs to leave our home. He then turned on me and tried to throw me out of my own home, and got mad when his son said I wasn't going anywhere. We called his youngest son in Ohio who agreed to take him back in June, so we were trying to manage until then.

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Now I worry about the brother in Ohio that is fighting for custody of his kid. What kind of influence will this mean old man have on yet another child?? I say no one takes him, he needs to be handled by people with no children.
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You know, the more I think about this, the less I like it. The child abuse allegation will be reported, and if your son (yes, I said "yours" because he calls you Mom and you need to get into mother bear mode here) isn't supposed to be living with your boyfriend's dad, he'll be removed. Your boyfriend needs to get his dad OUT. It sounds like he's got to choose between his son and his dad, and fast. You both tried to do right by the old man. It bit you in the ass. I just hope it doesn't bite the kid now.
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hmorgan: I'm going to say something that you won't like. You guys are part of a very dysfunctional family. You just keep passing the child abusing father around to hurt more innocent lives instead of taking a positive action to end it.

Your boyfriend should have known better, but he would rather be "the family is everything person" rather than the "my family is everything person." There is a difference. If family is so important, then protect it. Don't submit your family to the abuse of an elderly man who is hate filled and evil. To do that is to leave your family open to hurt and impairment; a continuing cycle of abuse and dysfunction.

How you handle this will have an impact on your boyfriend's child. You will talk about this as years go on and he will see what your values are. Did you just dump Grandpa on another poor unsuspecting child who will then live his life in terror and confusion or did you take steps to stop the cruelty. What lesson do you want this child to learn?

Maybe you could all chip in and put this vile Grandfather in an apartment or senior housing where no children will have to be subjected to him. It's money well spent, probably some of the best money you will ever spend. And it will be something all of you can be proud of, that you took action to protect the children that you all seem to be fighting for custody of or fearful of losing.

Get you heads in the game and do the right thing. If your boyfriend can spend $30,000.00 to get custody of his child, I would hope the brothers can come up with a few thousand dollars to keep this man away from this kids you all profess to love so much.

Cattais.
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Find out if an eviction notice is required in this situation in your state. If one is, serve that immediately.

Notify the VA that you won't be taking care of him after x date, and they may want to make other arrangements.

If he has a case worker through VA or otherwise, contact that person and set up an appointment for a heart-to-heart. Explain the urgent need to get him out of your house now because he is abusive to his grandson and his behavior is escalating.

Yes, it was a mistake to bring Dad into your home, especially with his history of child abuse. Too bad Boyfriend wasn't thinking harder about doing what a father should do. But that is in the past. Learn from it and move forward.

Consider getting counselling for the child, or better yet, family counselling for all of you to work through this awful experience. If your boy comes out of this understanding something about others with mental illnesses and also that no one has to tolerate abuse, no matter what problems the abuser has, that will be a ray of sunshine in this storm.

Best wishes to all of you. Keep us informed. It may take a while to get this straightened out, but the sooner you start, the sooner it will end.
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Thank you all for your great advice! His son and I have talked about it and talked with DCF and a lawyer. DCF didn't seem to think it was a problem having him here even though we brought up the fact of the court papers, apparently that stipulation in the court papers only applied until the custody hearing was completed and full custody was granted and does not apply now, although that doesn't make much sense to me. The old man (because none of us are even calling him dad now) is staying outside most of the time except to go to bed, and we are all just avoiding him. He had already quit paying me for his care which has allowed me to refuse to do anything for him which is exactly what the lawyer suggested I do, because not paying me means he fired me. His son also is just ignoring him and letting him go hoping that his not eating and not taking his meds will soon put him in the hospital so we can just walk away, so now it's just waiting.

Why the brother in ohio cannot come until June, I don't know. All he says is he is not ready for him. I know he is currently in court for a custody battle to keep visitation of his own child, so I don't know if that has something to do with it or not, all he will say is he won't be ready until june 14th, but he has also said to do what we have to do and he will get his dad from wherever he is located when he gets here whether it is here or a hospital or home somewhere.
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So Grandpa is going to another home where he will be exposed to a child? Does Brother know what he is getting into? I know that it is your way out of a bad situation, but I really feel sorry for the youngster in Ohio.
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hmorgan, yes, you are so much closer to a solution now than you were. If your boyfriend can't talk the dad into leaving, and if he can't talk his brother out of state into taking the dad earlier than June, I guess if I were you, I'd begin avoiding the dad and not taking care of him. Sooner, rather than later, he'll need to go into the hospital and then you don't have to take him back into your home. I'd stop taking wages from him and I'd let him rot till he needs medical attention. Sorry, and maybe that's bad karma for me, but that's what I'd do. It just doesn't make any sense to let a parasitic old man abuse you and your child.
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May I ask why the brother in Ohio can't take his father until June. Under the circumstances can't he do it now?
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You are getting some great advice here, I think.

There is a choice to be made, and pronto: Granddad, or son. If the court said that Granddad can't be about your son, that's that. I absolutely would assist Granddad in any way that would result in him needing to get to the hospital, and then decline to allow him into your home afterwards. Stick to your guns about it.

It sounds like it's your boyfriend who will need some support to allow this to happen. The choice should be clear: help the one who made a lifetime of bad choices and isn't going to change, or help the one who cannot be responsible for himself, and needs to see his parents step up and protect him from mean spirited, ugly energy. I'm sending good vibes to all of you!
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2 Things can happen, as with any job, you can just quit. Or you can take him to the local ER for not eating etc. Tell them to call when he has seen the doctor and
then just not pick him up tell them that he cannot come back home. I would however use the first solution myself. Just QUIT. Give him a written notice that as of ------------ you quit. I understand it is not the most desirable thing to do but you must think of the child.
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