My mom is 90 and my siblings live out of state. I never blame them for not being available to help. But they are in denial about the status of our mom's physical limitations because they don't see her. They don't get that she can't dress herself, feed herself, wipe herself. They don't realize that she cannot see that she is eating moldy food. They don't get that one of the reasons we have struggled with constant hospitalizations for infections is because she cannot properly care for herself. They don't get that she has fallen several times not only because her walking has become almost impossible but because "stuff" is everywhere and she is unable to pick up after herself. I tell them - but they don't get it. She lives an hour away from me. I cannot go there every day. When she is hospitalized I do go every day - which has been the case for the last 3 weeks and the time before this was only a month ago. They not only refuse to help me talk with her about a different living arrangement, they actually support my mother in continuing to live on her own and make me out to be the meanie. But when something happens, they NEVER get on a plane and come help. I am flipping out today because they sent me a "gift" for taking care of mom during these last several weeks. They sent me garden stuff and told me they wanted me to relax in my garden. I have been running around like a crazy person for 3 weeks, calling doctors, nursing homes, fetching stuff, caring for my mom's cat an hour away from me, spending minimally 5 hrs a day at the nursing facility (which is strongly my mother's expectation) and they send me garden stuff as though the only obstacle to me working in my garden was my lack of a sun hat. A "gift" would have been to show up. Right now I want to put it in a box, send it back to them and tell them to use the money towards plane fare. How can I make them understand?
Not gone to happen bro. Not going to happen.
Meanwhile he's not seen his own Mother in some 25 years. Yes, 25 years!!!!
He is So clueless. But he does say he wants to help, so I forgive his ignorance.
Are you talking to the hospital's social worker? Maybe he or she could arrange a conference call with you and your sibs and discuss needs and options for your mom. Perhaps an outside professional could break through their denial barrier.
Realistically, what are the options for your mom? My sibs and I are concerned about our 90 year old mother living on her own. We got social services involved and have so far arranged for daily meal delivery, weekly cleaning, and a weekly nurse visit to help with meds. Also we live in the area and can visit often and do shopping. We'd like her to remain independent as long as possible. And one sister is also scoping out nursing homes in the area, for future reference. I'm certain it would not be safe for Ma to live where she is without these services.
Best wishes to you as you struggle, alone, with these demanding issues.
Does your mom have a religious leader who can talk to her and the family about help for her? Could your mom’s doctor help? Assisted living would be ideal, but she certainly needs in-home care at the very least. Your sibling need to understand that unless she gets help daily she could die from neglect. You can't drive that far every day forever.
You may even need to hire a family mediator to talk to the siblings and get their backing to get your mom help. You can call your local social services to get some direction or go online to the state website and type "aging" in the search box. You need to take care of yourself before you go down. Then, what happens to your mom?
Stick to your guns and get a third party to intervene. It seems to be the only way to get your siblings to understand.
Carol