Mother-in-law has lived with son and myself for 9 years, now 93. Her care is becoming all day long now. I can't do it anymore! How do you get son to move to next step...mother to nursing home? Our marriage is suffering and son's anger is very high to constant mother needs. It's never enough for his mom. I cared for my mom everyday for 9 years before her passing and she was loving and appreciative. This woman is demanding. What to do?
My mother lived in my sister's home for a little over a year. Sis had just retired and her husband is a very supportive guy. This was Mom's "transition" period, or her "Assisted Living" period. Mom's dementia got worse, and so did her arthritis pain level and her mobility diminished. When Sis decided it was getting beyond what she could handle the rest of us immediately found a nursing home we thought would be suitable.
No offense to my sister. She and her husband did a fabulous job and the rest of us are grateful to her. But looking at it almost two years later, Mom is clearly better off where there are three shifts of trained caregivers. No one is helping her all day after being up several times in the night helping her. She doesn't have to get on layers of winter clothes and painfully get into a car to get her hair done. Each week she has dozens of activities to choose from. She doesn't have to sign up or buy a ticket in advance and it isn't a big deal if she has to skip a few because she's not up to it that day. After fighting all of her daughters about showering/bathing for more than a year, she goes off very cooperatively when the aide tells her it is her shower time.
In fact, after the first month she was there my sisters and I looked at each other and asked, "Who is this woman and what did they do with our mother?!" She must have forgotten that she's never liked doing crafts in her life! And that she didn't like socializing "with a bunch of busy-bodies."
She is not in deluxe accommodations. This isn't a 4-star resort. (Some of them are.) She is more confused as the dementia continues to progress. But she is more active than she's been in years, and she is content.
People who declare that they absolutely cannot consider placing their loved one in a nursing home are saying, in my view, "I don't care about providing the best care for my loved one, I just want to do what I've decided to do."
I don't know who might be able to convince your husband of this, but his present attitude is not only not best for you, it may very well not be best for MIL either.
Then check around the cost of assisted living/nursing homes in your area. Once you get that information see which will be the lesser cost.... money usually gets someone's attention.
It got my Dad's attention when I was giving him the professional Caregiver's bill for 24-hour care vs the cost of moving to Independent Living and have the Caregivers still come in but less hours. He quickly chose the Independent Living route, and he is so happy he did :)
Had major discussion with hubby over MIL. He broke down and admitted he can't do the full-time caretaking any longer. He is not himself and lost. He does not want to baby step into the change...all or nothing. He will give MIL two options: we move out, caretaker moves in or NH. If MIL goes to NH, she will be so angry she will not allow us to stay in her home any longer. We remodeled the little home with our $ for us all to live in. 8 months here, her rules, and weekly excessive anger between mom and son. Two eve ago, I began calling 911--Adult Protective Services due to their anger. I can't live in this environment.
Our 21 yr marriage...hubby is ashamed of the damage. He wants "us" forever. I shared this website with him...he is overwhelmed with the reachout.
I am forever grateful for the time you all have taken out of your lives to offer your responses. I am very touched. I hope sharing our circumstances will help others.
I am going to get my life back!
What will our lives look like now? Hubby will be at AL a lot, excessive phone calls begin, errands, etc. When he is on overload, he can walk away knowing she is cared for. Freedom is coming!
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