Mother-in-law has lived with son and myself for 9 years, now 93. Her care is becoming all day long now. I can't do it anymore! How do you get son to move to next step...mother to nursing home? Our marriage is suffering and son's anger is very high to constant mother needs. It's never enough for his mom. I cared for my mom everyday for 9 years before her passing and she was loving and appreciative. This woman is demanding. What to do?
Sending an elder off to Independent/Assisted Living is like sending a child off to college... you hope they will like their dorm... like the food... that they will make new friends... and get to class [activities] on time.
TheBlonde, has your Mom-in-law seen the Assisted Living complex? If not, she could be from the old school where "nursing homes" are horrible places, like an asylum. Won't she be surprised :) But she won't admit it.
What will our lives look like now? Hubby will be at AL a lot, excessive phone calls begin, errands, etc. When he is on overload, he can walk away knowing she is cared for. Freedom is coming!
Had major discussion with hubby over MIL. He broke down and admitted he can't do the full-time caretaking any longer. He is not himself and lost. He does not want to baby step into the change...all or nothing. He will give MIL two options: we move out, caretaker moves in or NH. If MIL goes to NH, she will be so angry she will not allow us to stay in her home any longer. We remodeled the little home with our $ for us all to live in. 8 months here, her rules, and weekly excessive anger between mom and son. Two eve ago, I began calling 911--Adult Protective Services due to their anger. I can't live in this environment.
Our 21 yr marriage...hubby is ashamed of the damage. He wants "us" forever. I shared this website with him...he is overwhelmed with the reachout.
I am forever grateful for the time you all have taken out of your lives to offer your responses. I am very touched. I hope sharing our circumstances will help others.
I am going to get my life back!
My mother lived in my sister's home for a little over a year. Sis had just retired and her husband is a very supportive guy. This was Mom's "transition" period, or her "Assisted Living" period. Mom's dementia got worse, and so did her arthritis pain level and her mobility diminished. When Sis decided it was getting beyond what she could handle the rest of us immediately found a nursing home we thought would be suitable.
No offense to my sister. She and her husband did a fabulous job and the rest of us are grateful to her. But looking at it almost two years later, Mom is clearly better off where there are three shifts of trained caregivers. No one is helping her all day after being up several times in the night helping her. She doesn't have to get on layers of winter clothes and painfully get into a car to get her hair done. Each week she has dozens of activities to choose from. She doesn't have to sign up or buy a ticket in advance and it isn't a big deal if she has to skip a few because she's not up to it that day. After fighting all of her daughters about showering/bathing for more than a year, she goes off very cooperatively when the aide tells her it is her shower time.
In fact, after the first month she was there my sisters and I looked at each other and asked, "Who is this woman and what did they do with our mother?!" She must have forgotten that she's never liked doing crafts in her life! And that she didn't like socializing "with a bunch of busy-bodies."
She is not in deluxe accommodations. This isn't a 4-star resort. (Some of them are.) She is more confused as the dementia continues to progress. But she is more active than she's been in years, and she is content.
People who declare that they absolutely cannot consider placing their loved one in a nursing home are saying, in my view, "I don't care about providing the best care for my loved one, I just want to do what I've decided to do."
I don't know who might be able to convince your husband of this, but his present attitude is not only not best for you, it may very well not be best for MIL either.
And while that is all going on, get yourself a nice little part time job, two days a week. Make sure it is not too stressful or physically demanding. And even if it barely covers your gas and a slight wardrobe upgrade, it will serve a great purpose -- having as much respite from caregiving as your husband gets.
Then, if push comes to shove and you can't have meaningful discussions with your husband about this, resign. Not from your marriage, but from the caregiving role. Find other things to do with your time. Read. Look up the activities at the local senior center and pick a few out. Decide that you are going to learn mah jong or take up knitting or resume playing canasta as you did in childhood. Go to movies. Go to the park or the zoo or the conservatory. Take cooking classes and hone your skills. Give dinner parties.Establish a lifestyle you could maintain as a widow.
You've given this a good long nine years. Time to let MIL have the higher level of care she needs (or whatever level your husband wants to provide) while prepare for the rest of your life.
And FF is right -- don't suggest that this is what you'd like to do. Just do it.
Do you know what level of care she needs? You could discuss this with the facilities that you tour. Her doctor may also provide information about this, though, it seems that the caretakers know more about what she needs help with on a daily basis.
Most facilities have a brochure about the place that lays out all their amenities. I'd look at that closely to make sure that you find a good fit.
Maybe, with the counselor, you will be able to convey how deeply this is effecting you. Does husband know this? Does he realize that it could seriously effect the marriage? If that is the case, I would get legal advice regarding your rights and responsibilities, before making any decisions.
Then check around the cost of assisted living/nursing homes in your area. Once you get that information see which will be the lesser cost.... money usually gets someone's attention.
It got my Dad's attention when I was giving him the professional Caregiver's bill for 24-hour care vs the cost of moving to Independent Living and have the Caregivers still come in but less hours. He quickly chose the Independent Living route, and he is so happy he did :)