My mother has pneumonia and thinks she wants hospice. She had pneumonia in September and says her body has changed, and she's done. She is 97. She doesn't know what hospice is all about. The first meeting is Friday. Her mental faculties have been sharp, but are waning due to lowering oxygen levels. Today my sister-in-law who lives out of state and hasn't actually been here to help in two years, picked a fight and was angry that I don't let her do anything. She has held a simmering belief that she would do a much better job than I do. I have taken care of mother for five years. Now I don't want to be in the same room with my sister in law, who, when I asked how she sees us all being with mother, said : we're all light and happy for your mom so she can go happy."
My expectation is that she will try to take over, make decisions, and undermine me which is what she has done in the past and I don't think I can take that during my mother's last days. My brother has told her what the limits are...she doesn't get to make decisions, she will not keep me from being with mom, and she is not to interfere. But that will only last while he is in the room. I have told her it is OK with me if she takes care of mom on the days I'm not here and that I know she wants to be a part of this. Right now, I'm not even sure mother wants hospice, but my sister-in-law absolutely insists it's what mother said she wanted, and she's afraid I am going to push mom to do something that she doesn't want. On the way home from the hospital today, my mother said it was hard to know what to do because she didn't know what it was all about. My job is to clarify and advocate for mother. I keep cautioning that mother may change her mind, but I'm mostly worried mom won't be able to understand without good oxygen levels. In September, she changed her mind about getting treatment for pneumonia, when she had previously had a POLST that said no treatment. She changed the POLST. And insisted on treatment. I'm willing to let mom go. I just don't want her panicked and scared because she is confused and doesn't know what to do. I tried to talk to my sister-in-law. I have included her in the caregiving when they were in town. It seems now I needn't have bothered, as she wanted to be in charge because she could do a better job. Yet, they weren't here, and came only when it was convenient.
I don't have anyone in my life to support me. My friends care, and all, but I'm single and don't have other family. The only caregiver groups are on days I'm at work. I also take care of my Aunt. I get the most support from her caregivers! Right now, I don't want to see my sister in law or be around her. I want to be alone with my mother and have there be time to talk. I suppose Hospice, if we go forward, will help with all this, but do you guys have any experience about how to deal with someone who is angry, and resentful and thinks it's OK to pick fights on a day when my mother decides to let go of life....I tried like the dickens to talk rationally and calmly and was rebuffed. She couldn't see my point of view no matter how I tried to open up and calm the water.
If you do not want your SIL there for private moments ask her to leave the room. Each person should have their time with your mom, as should she.
Your mother should not have that negativity around her and the hospice nurses, counselors, etc. will help you if you ask them.
Bless you in having taken care of your mom and being there for her when she needed you. Know that you have done your best and that your mother has made it to 97 years old with YOUR daily care and support. Know that in your heart. Don't let anyone take that away from you.
It is not surprising that Mom is confused. It would be (in my opinion) a disservice to place the decision all on her. Hospice care will be a comfort to all concerned. It does not hasten death, but it helps everyone accept the inevitable as a natural part of the cycle of life. If there is anything that would make Mom more comfortable, Hospice will be able to provide it almost instantly, without needing appointments or going through insurance red tape. Hospice is a great help, both on a practical level and emotionally.
I don't know how to prepare for my mother's loss. I know it will leave a huge hole in my life. I'm constantly looking for things she needs, strategizing my time and errands, talking to providers and advocating for care. I schedule everything and visits and rides and entertainment. My mother told me she cleaned everything out of her apartment tonight after I left (I had to go have an infected tooth checked and get anit-biotics). She forgot that some of that paperwork was for me to write an obituary. She was a teacher for 35 years and was held in high regard. I'm feeling overwhelmed with end of life stuff and also knowing I'm under attack. And things are being made harder (even if inadvertently) but also deliberately. I feel too raw and beat up to face it all. I will also be expected to provide emotional support to my Aunt, my mother's SIL. They have known each other since young adulthood. I can only pray for the strength to do that.
Thank you for your reply. Every bit of contact helps me a great deal to not feel so alone.
Hospice is comfort care, it s an acceptance and a welcoming of an inevitable end.
It can be at home or in a unit. We did dad's at home, this was better for my mom, and he wanted to go home.
Will keep you in prayer this Holiday season,
L