It's been a year now since his gram has moved in with us, we moved out of our home into hers she got bossy and expects me to wait on her hand and foot. Now I know she feels more comfy in her own home but I do that even get a break from her but mabe once a month her selfish ass kids won't step up and my husband thinks it perfectly fine for me to "do whatever makes Grammy happy" I am 36 have no life 2 children under 13 and can't go anywhere without her effing dogs(she's starting to obsess over them) (she has TBI induced dementia,brain damage from the TBI and seizures) I am closing in on moving out even tho I have no place to really go I don't want to split up my family but she could live for years and I don't have it in me to keep on doing this and he is oblivious to what is to come in the coming years ands months I feel like shit and drink more now than I ever have. It's not fair for me to be the only one tht seems to sacrifice my life for a lady tht was miserable and selfish before she was all while they all continue to live a happy life and I'm stuck at home 24/7 I have no clue what Medicaid/Medicare covers for in help and I'm not POA please someone give me some advice,talk to me whatever I'm so lonely and sad inside I don't even feel like me anymore(FYI if u didn't Kno I am the ONLY person who takes care of her bathe,feed,Dr,etc.)
I think your options are limited if you are living in her home. Since, she has dementia and is cognitively disabled due to strokes, I'd consider it a necessity that she receive proper treatment and care. If you harbor resentment while attempting to care for her, it's probably not an ideal situation. I might discuss your feelings with your husband so the two of you can make plans to make a change. Likely, that wouldn't involve continuing to live with her. As her dementia progresses, she'll likely need more and more hands on care.
Who's the Durable POA? Whoever is in charge should be able to get her assessed to see what level of care she needs and to evaluate her finances to see what she can afford or if she qualifies for financial assistance for her care.
Will your husband consider counseling? Is there any reason he is refusing to deal with this?
Also, why would she need a car if she's a dementia patient. Wouldn't those funds be needed help pay for her care? I might also check with the laws in your jurisdiction. Some places will Waive property taxes on land if the owner is disabled. I'd check into that.
You're a bit stuck, aren't you (classic British understatement, that is).
Um.
I'd love to have a friendly word with your husband.
Perhaps not.
The trouble is, this is the clearest-cut case ever of "I wouldn't start from here." What it is, is, you and your husband and children oughtn't to have moved into grandma's house. What seemed like a great idea at the time - big house, just the one little old lady, what could possibly go wrong - well, now you know.
And the trouble is that, because the rub doesn't fall on him, it's easy for him to say "we" - ha! It's always we. Have you noticed that? - "we just have to suck it up." Then when you don't let him get away with that he blames you for stressing him out. And calls you names! Which really is a bit much.
Time away would be nice. But what you actually need to do is screech to a halt and fast reverse the last twelve months.
Since that can't be done, the other thing you can do is look ahead. You don't need your husband's permission or co-operation to research facilities, find out what the costs are, and find out if they take people on Medicaid. Because even if grandma's money from the house does run out you and your husband wouldn't be liable for her fees. And the $50K is only a problem if auntie didn't spend it on grandma - it wouldn't last long, as I'm sure you know. Then the next time there is a serious discussion about grandma's care plan, preferably involving Mrs Toobusy with her POA, at least you will have all the facts and figures at your command.
And another thing you can always do is vent freely here. When she gets up your nose, or the dogs have just annoyed you, it's much better to come here and unload on the caregivers behaving badly thread than try to bottle it up and explode over the dinner table. Bit of luck, your husband will start coming home and finding you chortling over the internet instead of fit to be tied.
Also. Here's a thought. How about *you* go and stay with your close friend for a respite break so that your husband can do the sucking it up for a week or so. Though I have to warn you: even the most evil grandmothers have been known to turn into twinkly little baa-lambs for their favoured male descendants so this may not teach him the right lesson.
Most of all, it's not forever, and all will be well, and there will be a way through, and please keep posting. Hope you feel a bit better very soon, hugs.
And could you keep chickens? Not the same workout as cows, of course, but excellent company! (the dogs can be trained to respect them).