My dad (age 88) and stepmom (age 77) have been married for 21 years. There are adult children on both sides. As my dad has gotten older, he has grown in his tendency to just want to be at home. On the whole, this is fine, but my stepmom, still being younger and in good health, wants to go and do things, including some travel. Dad doesn't want to travel, though, and even though he is generally in good health for his age, he really doesn't do well to be left alone for more than a work day. Unfortunately, the house they live in belongs solely to my stepmom, and for whatever reason, she won't let anyone, not even me or my 3 siblings, stay in the home with our dad while she travels. So, she gets put out because no one takes him anywhere so she can get a break, but he refuses to go anywhere. She wanted to go 3 hours away to her timeshare for a week or two, and she told me this year that "no" was not an option. She would make him go. Imagine my surprise when I found them at home during the time they were supposed to be away. And she was mad as a hornet at everyone, even though none of us knew about the problem. So, in a sense, they have imprisoned themselves. She won't let any of us stay there to care for him, and he won't go anywhere, even with her, most of the time, other than occasionally church, or out to eat. It has been well-established that she is not going to bend on allowing any of us to stay there, so the only thing left is to figure out a way to get Dad to cooperate with leaving. Do we medicate him? Pay one her relatives to stay there since we aren't allowed to? Or what? We love our stepmom and want to help the situation, but it feels like our hands are tied. I would love to hear about any ways you have been successful getting an elderly person to cooperate in something big like this. Thank you in advance!
The house is in her name so she gets to dictate who stays with your father? What kind of a marriage is that?
I'm glad you love her. That probably helps your blood pressure a lot. But this "imprisonment" is of her making. She has the power to change things. You don't.
It sounds like she would beefit from some counseling and perhaps medication for what is clearly a psychological problem.
And then there's the whole bathroom thing. While my mom still lived at home, she became more and more resistant to going out. Long story short, she was overusing both fiber tablets and immidium, creating a condition called fecal incontinence. She ended up in the hospital and it got dealt with, but it made us realize she couldn't be in charge of her meds any longer.
Also, do you know if there is some hidden reason that your mom does not want him to stay alone with someone else? Do you think he may have any condition, like memory problems, that she does not want others to know? That might explain why she's so protective of him.
If that is not the case and he's fine, but just doesn't like to travel, then, the call to stay home is your step mom's. I'd let her suffer and miss out if that's what she chooses.
As for cognitive loss, he's not too bad, especially for his age. He has good days and bad days, though. Of course, you can't control whether or not he'll be having a good day on travel day or a bad day.
Thanks...
As for Dad at his age he probably simply does not want to be bothered. he is happy in his own little world. Even staying with a relative would be difficult because everything is strange and there is more going on and he has nowhere to hide. Nothing works the same in another house, like the taps turn on differently or the house is too hot or too cold, where to put his shaving stuff. Maybe he is afraid of disturbing others if he has to get up and maybe does not dare poke around in the kitchen if he wants a cup of coffee at 3am.
This is not just Dad being uncooperative it is an old man who feels safe in his own shell. Of course a change would be "good for him" BUT people need to stop expecting elders to do what is good for them and let them make their own choices. It is like becoming "Institutionalized" except that it is "Homealized"
Who has DPOA for these two? How does mom handle dad when he is ill? Are you allowed in? What about when she is ill? Who takes care of dad then?
She and he are in a little power struggle. She won't let his kids stay. He's not traveling. I can understand your not wanting to upset the living arrangements for dad but really this is between the two of them. When she asks you to be responsible it's like she's saying I'm just a care taker. He doesn't have a choice. It's your turn now. Come get him. It seems she didn't have quiet the upper hand she thought she had over him if they were both home when she had ordered it otherwise. And she didn't go off and leave him alone. Was it because she would be worried about him or worried one of you would stay over ?
Perhaps it's time for him to get his own place ( AL?) so he can be more comfortable in his old age and not have to be drugged?? She can visit him there and so can his children and he is at home. She can go on all her trips and enjoy her old age.
What happens if she dies before him ? Does she expect him to move out? In some states that wouldn't be mandatory due to the length of time he's lived there. Does she think she's keeping her estate secure for her children by not allowing him to have his own children as guests? The mind boggles.
It seems like you and your siblings need a plan for his future if "mom" decides he has to go.
I think she is the one who needs the geriatric shrink. Marriage counseling??
Mom apparently had some stuff stolen by one of her own daughter's no-good friends when they were in their late teens, and ever since then, she has been on lock-down about her house. If there is anything else, then she hasn't shared it. There are other "excuses," like "I'd have to stock the house and clean the house" which is baloney because she cleans if we come from out of town to visit anyway, but the incident with her daughter's friends from years ago is her standby for not trusting anyone except a few immediate blood family members.
Good point about "just doesn't want to be bothered." I can totally see that and your related comments fitting this scenario. Thanks.
As for DPOA, my brother has it for my dad, and probably one of Mom's kids has it for her. But getting them to talk about some of this can be a challenge. When the question of Dad getting a pacemaker came up, she made US help him make the decision. It was totally weird.
Actually, she has gone off and left him alone before. It has just been in the last few years that it has gotten to the point that he really can't be left alone for more than a work day's period of time. Recently, she is indicating that on occasion even that amount of time alone is an issue, but it isn't an everyday thing...yet
You ask other questions I have wanted to have answered before. I think it is high time there is a family meeting to lay these things out. Unfortunately, I live the farthest away, so I'm basically having to plant the ideas and Skype in. But, I was the one who got the ball rolling in the last few weeks on things, after some stuff hit the fan and I said ,"Enough! We're dealing with this."
Thanks for your input!
If your brain is lacking in a chemical that it used to produce, or that it's supposed to be producing, and you supply it in pill form, I believe that's simply living a better life through chemistry. It doesn't change who you are.
My husband, who was being followed by a prescribing psychiatrist post open-heart surgery, asked if the doc thought he had ADD. The doc said that he thought it was possible and that a short trial of a stimulant would either help or do nothing, so let's give it a try.
After a few days on Ritalin, my 60 year old husband's comment was, "Wow, I'd have had a whole different life if I'd gotten this stuff when I was a kid".
Isn't that sad?
Ok back on subject....
Prior to my husbands diagnosis he did not want to travel. I booked a cruise and told him about it. He said that was fine. (booked the cruise with his daughter and her family) As we got closer to the date he started saying he did not want to go. Got very surly about it. I finally said that the cruise was booked, the money was paid and I was going to go with his daughter, S-I-L and grandchild. He gave in and went. Did have a reasonably good time. It was during that trip that I really realized that something was amiss.
Anyway my point is he just might have to be forced into going with a "we will not take no for an answer". It may also be that he is realizing that he might be having problems with his memory and that staying in a familiar environment he can control his life a bit better. He knows where the bathroom is, the kitchen, the way to the mailbox.....taken out of this "safe" place might put a stress on him that he can not handle and would allow others to see that he is having problems.
Will's
Trusts
Rights or survivorship
Health care decisions
there are all things that are often left until one person or both are not able to "legally" make a decision due to dementia or other health reasons.
Tough discussions to have but important ones to have.
I do hope all is well with your Dad and that he does get away and enjoy himself.
But I'm curious: other than that you're more hopeful of getting him to budge, why are you more sympathetic to her bonkersness about not allowing even house-trained non-felon family members to stay overnight than you are about his not wanting to leave the comfort of his own favourite armchair?