How do you go on with your life when you feel you can't control anything?

smikulik, I know that if this was anyone else but your mother, you would have probably already put her on the street. Mothers can have such control on us even when it is our house and they are dependent. There are such problems when the roles become reversed.

Does anyone have your mother's financial power of attorney. It sounds like the house she owns needs to be sold. At 91 and in poor health, your mother is not going to be able to move back there. So right now it is an expense that could be converted to money that she needs for her care. I know how hard it will be to get her to let go of it. Is there anyone else that can be the one to keep talking to her about it. I get the feeling that, as her daughter, you will be resisted when you mention it. It would probably make her more adamant about not selling it, if only to show you that you're not the boss.

I had to smile when I read that your mother wants to die at home, because it is your home. How long has she lived with you that she feels so at home with you. I sympathize with what you are going through with her. It sounds like her world has narrowed, so that now she sees only herself and what she wants. I know you won't be able to change that, but you can have her do the things that you know she can do. If she wants you to bring water, tell her it would be better for her to get up and get it. You don't want her to lose the ability to walk. It is true that if they don't use it, they lose it. Having her do things for herself not only helps her, it will help you.

My sister was a psychiatric nurse and gave me a lot of insight into dealing with controllers.

You state your mother is controlling; seems to me that's exactly what she is doing, as well as manipulating you, in part through the inconsistent approaches toward your involvement. I can't help envision her as a puppeteer, holding the strings to your emotions and juggling them up and down as she chooses.

She'll have that hold as long as she knows you will respond and that she can manipulate those responses. So take away that ability to upset you.

She makes herself appear grateful to others by praising you but puts you down when there's no one around for her to impress. So she plays to the crowd; that predisposes anyone who might her your complaints about her ingratitude and treatment wonder if it's not her who has the problem, but you.

If it's any comfort, it's really difficult to deal with a controller; they're not going to change, so unfortunately the only thing that you can change is your attitude - response and reaction.

The next time she criticizes you for something, tell her in a very emotionless manner that you're sorry she's not pleased. Sweetly ask her what other arrangements she'd like to make. Don't ask her "if" she wants other arrangements; take it as a given and ask her what steps she'll be taking to find someone else. You might even ask her what you can do to help her find another caregiver.

This would be cruel normally, but remember - she's manipulating you, and controlling the situation, so you try to turn that control back against her.

If she complains about living at your home, give her a list of facilities and suggest she call them then make arrangements to visit them so she can decide where she wants to move.

It helps to leave the room after dropping one of these bombshells so you don't immediately feel bad and begin apologizing.

The goal is to have a nonaccusatory, uncritical response every time she puts you down.

I suggest these also not to be cruel but rather to try to even out the balance of power between the two of you.

Correction: 4th paragraph, should be "who might hear ".

Jessiebelle and Gardenartist, you two are spot on, and it amazes me how a parent can feel they can continue to control and manipulate us IN OUR OWN HOMES! Ugh, it's infuriating and I will be using those techniques in the future, like today! ! Thank you both and the OP, as I learn so much each and every time I log on here!

Stacey, I wonder if people even realize they're controllers - I doubt they do. For whatever reason they need to have, for lack of a better word, control over their environment. I think that includes the people in it.

Was their family life unstable? Did they feel insecure? Parents were substance abusers? One woman I knew freely admitted that she wanted more control over her life because her father was an alcoholic and she never knew what would happen when he came home drunk. For a child who might bear the brunt of that drunken parent, it would be pretty scary. No wonder a child could grow up in fear of her/his environment and seek to control it.

I have noticed that there's another kind of controller beyond that which we see in parents and manipulative behavior. It's one in which some one needs to dominate conversations, actions, viewpoints. This person isn't interested in someone else's opinion - his or hers is always right. He/she doesn't have hesitation in giving someone else advice, asked for or not.

I've seen this in some families; the parents are that way, their children seem to become that way just to hold their own against their parents. And those children, when adults can become that way with neighbors. Sometimes it's like 2 male lions fighting for turf and territory control (among other things).

I've also found that it's useless to try to have a discussion with people like that; since they know everything, why would they listen to someone else's opinion? I've been cut off too many times to even bother any more with discussing issues with someone like that.

I'm glad though that you're getting a lot from answers here.

Thanks for validating my feelings. Some people think I'm the one with the problem and she's just a sweet old lady, but when no one is around she's a different person. In the nine years she's lived with me I have tried to get her to do things like get her water and such, but she will purposely try to walk to the sink without her walker. When I say anything she just gives me a dirty look and moves away.
She has not given anyone power of attorney and she refuses to discuss selling that property with anyone. She want total control.
So I'm just stuck with her in my home and I'm stuck doing for her, because if I don't she will purposely chance falling. I know it sounds crazy but that's what she does. Thanks for listening, somehow that alone takes some of the pressure off. I lost my husband unexpectedly 4 years ago and he was my rock. Without him I'm lost.

Smikulick, I have noticed whenever a parent moves in with a grown child, or vise verse, the family dynamics isn't two adults trying to work together, but it once again becomes "parent vs child". And that is tough to break. We are viewed as kids instead of adults, and what do we know :P

My boss is very controlling and it took me about a couple of years to realize that I have a voice and that I could be heard. The first time he snapped at me about getting some work done, I held my ground and said "do you want it done fast, or you want it done correctly?"..... whoa, you could hear a pin dropped, and that felt so good. Since then he accepts my opinions and we work as a team, with an occasional flare up.

In my case my mother has borderline personality disorder and narcissism. She is and always had been very controlling. I believe in our family that it is inherited as her sibs all were very nice, but the odd cousin has it, as does my sis and my daughter. My grandparent's home was pretty normal.

You have to protect yourself against the negativity and criticism. A key thing here is who controls the assets - who has financial POA? It does sound like the house should be sold and the money used for her care. Is she still considered competent? If so then she controls her finances,

I believe if she has reason to go to hospital you can refuse to take her back to your place saying that you can no longer look after her. Then the burden is in the social worker to find her a placement. You could talk to your local social services and also the agency on aging about some solutions to you getting out of the house more and placing her. It sounds like you are imprisoned in your own home and that is not good for your health. I refused to take my mother into my home as she would have wrecked my life with ager and manipulation. She went from her home into apartments and then eventually into facilities ( she likes moving). You need to look after yourself. The latest figures are that 40% of caregivers die before the people they caregive. You have to take steps to care for your own needs. No matter what you do, she will be as she is - negative, controlling, critical, putting you down... so you may as well do what is good for you. ((((((hugs))))) Let us know how you make out.

Yes, Gardenartist, Emjo, FF, and smikalick, you hit the nail on the head in my household! My FIL is a dominating, negative, critical, know it all, who THINKS he has a strong hold on us with his monies. It all sounded just FINE when he beggedus to lethim live with us 11 years ago, and had even asked/twisted our arm prior to my MIL passing, of course we agreed, we didn't feel we had a choice. I haad only just lost both my parents, and I was in just the beginning of my grieving process, having been on autopilot for 2+years caring for them all, raising teenagers and working I was brought up to believe that you just took care of your parents, and I happily did just that with my own, but they were very different people, and I had a huge amount of help from my siblings. This is a whole different ball game! When he moved in, it was at his insistence that he pay about 1100 a month towards the living expenses, which seemed reasonable if not generous. But being as its my husband's Dad, I stayed out of that. Some how it came to be that he personally wrote a check for our house payment which is roughly that amount, but whenever he gets an audience, he brags about it making my husband feel like doodoo. When it Never should have been handled that way from the start. My current issue, having learned from you all, is that his contributions should have been written into a Caregivers Service Contract, so that in the event he should ever need Medicaid, so wouldn't be deemed as rent. So Now I'm going to get that changed, and have him pay in cash. We have had the money thing dangled over our heads from the beginning. Husband is sole beneficiary, as his two siblings are 100% absent, and we frankly dont give crap about his money. It's not that much, and needs to stay safe in the event he needs it, and really wouldn't last him 2 years in an elder facility. "But someday, when I'm gone, John's gonna really make out" so sick of hearing that, again Control Control Control. You know what he can do with that money? That's right, we don't want it nor need it. I'm so Done! But he is declining before our eyes, and in my heart I cannot start being disrespectful now, but I am going to get his and our house in order! Thanks to you all for opening my eyes to So many things!

I'm sitting here wondering if you placed her in a NH or ALF, would they take her with the assets she has?. Then when she runs out of liquid assets,would she then be forced to sell that home? You do not HAVE to take her back into your home. By the way,it sounds like you may be an only child...is that right?

You're giving up your life for hers and that means two lives down instead of just one. Maybe it sounds mean but there's no hope for hers but you are still young enough to find some happiness. Good luck.

My father is over 102 and has always been a controller. We (two sons) finally got permission to sell the house. Neither of us live near - so it is sold. Does your mother have any idea of whether the house is salable or not? Does she have any idea as to whether you can sell it or how does she know all that? I would suggest it be sold and she may not even know it. Caregiver dementia is REAL!! I am living as a caregiver and only 76 but am well aware of Caregiver dementia because I see it in the location we live. Just recently a healthy caregiver died - in my estimation he died as a caregiver with dementia. The lady who helped us, when we bought into the facility years ago by telling us that the healthy one frequently dies first if they continue to give the care for the spouse. goyevillage.org. They may be able to assist you in the transition. It is not easy but may help you to enjoy life longer. You can make an informed decision - go ahead and live life and bring honor to your mother by letting the caregivers who work only 8-12 hour days care for her.

smikulick, does your mom have dementia? Is there any way you could have her declared incompetent? I like emjo's advice. It makes me cringe to read that your mother tells you that you are not a good daughter. You are a good daughter and your priority as a good daughter is to put your needs first. Those of us with narcissistic mothers know all about these "sweet old ladies" who love to play the victim. Hugs and prayers to you.

For your sake and hers, I see two things that have to happen here: (1) You, or someone else in your family, needs to have POA for her and make an assessment of her assets. (2) She needs to be in another setting, other than your home, probably assisted living. I hope there are family members who can work with you on this. Getting her to agree to the POA may take some doing, but allies can help. Another thought is that agreement ahead of time might not be necessary if it's likely she'll play the sweet old lady in the lawyer's office. As to assisted living, while it is private pay, the costs are a lot less than nursing homes. The smaller facilities, in what look like private homes, are often less than the larger ones.

So let her fall. Let her break something. She'll go to the hospital and then to rehab.

You can't make her happy. Let her do it her way; once she's in rehab, you will say that it's no longer possible to care for her at home, she needs assisted living at the very least. She'll end up being very happy there, the Belle of the ball, talking about her awful daughter.

Look, I know this sounds cruel but from what you've told us, your mom has a mental illness, dementia or both. Impossible to provide this kind of care at home, with an enmeshed child providing the care.

Hello all the answers are very good My situation Is a little differnet I take care of lady with dementia When i try to help her She always seem to either smart me off And i know someone that has dementia like to have control And when she said this She doesn't realize she said it It hurts when i trying to help It very stressful Any one elese delaing with this How are you handle it The only thing is walkaway 5 minutes later they don't remember Thank you Carolyn

I don't think I can add a thing to what has already been said. This site is loaded with people who have been there done that. And, yes, our Babies are always going to be our babies, no matter that they are almost old enough to retire... I cannot believe my oldest baby is an age that starts with a 5.

I am so fortunate as I laid the groundwork before my partner got worse. We did all the legal paperwork even before he was diagnosed. He is so cooperative. I am so blessed. Now and then his illness (Parkinson) will rear its ugly head and he will make some wisecrack and I just smile and walk in the other room. He realized soon I was not to be controlled. He gets the best care anyone could get.

I also agree that trying to have an argument with these patients is a waste of your time and energy. Just do what is best for them and let them rage if they want to. They soon realize they are fortunate to have you. God Bless You

GardenArtist has wonderful insights into this. It reminded me so much of my mother. Controlling, manipulating. I saw it as a child. It was very frustrating. But I think mother would have described herself as a 'survivor' not a 'manipulator or controlling'. It's amazing how being raised in this dynamic can carry on into adulthood and can keep us under 'parental control' in our later years; still acting as a child, by 'doing as they say' instead of an adult.

Mother would always default every conversation to the Depression Era and how she had to 'go without' etc. I was not only a bad daughter (her good daughter passed away) I was also a bad mother. lol Yet - I was the one that was always there for her until her last breath. In an effort to instill this dynamic, she would even say things like, "you're my child" that's why..... And I would have to correct her. "I'm not your child, I am your daughter."

We had to hide the car keys from mother as she would take every opportunity to rummage through our bedrooms looking for things. The real problem was that she would take things and forget where she put them.

You can't control situations; only your response to situations. Easier said than done. Sometimes we get fed up. But do the best you can by forgiving yourself and striving to do better next time.

If she won't sell her other property, maybe it can be rented out to pay for her care in a facility? My mother would not relinquish control of finances etc. She even suggested that I put her bills under my name so that I wouldn't need access to her bank accounts. I laughed. Then the dementia hit.

I'm sorry to hear of the loss of your rock. Hopefully this group can be a few pebbles in his stead. Keep in touch.

GardenArtist, I loved your reply and also evidently did so many others. I am the oldest of four and have just opted OUT of the drama. I have done what you suggested and it absolutely works. If there are more than one offspring, it can increase the chaos but on the other hand, it never falls to just one person. My own mother has gone from complementing me to others and being a bitch to me in person to saying horrible things to others about me because I have cut her off. She is a manipulative narcissist and stops at nothing to exact revenge if she is not appeased. I have to believe anyone who hears this crap must know 'who' she is. I guess if they don't, it is no longer affecting me because I am not subjecting myself to it anymore.

Seriously, I'm really glad I was able to help. It's a method of offsetting the frustration I feel in my own situation. So you in turn help me with your compliments ,but that doesn't mean I'm fishing for them! Just thanking you sincerely.

smijkulick, all of the answers above show a lot of insight. Have you spoken to your mother's physician? If you are listed on her HIPPA approved list, then they can speak to you privately. You can frame it in the aspect of your own mental health. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Your character is not on trial. Your sanity and health are.

OK sweet your stressed the big issue is not what she has or does not have she is a creature of habit collecting gathering is not a uncommon thing she need to feel close if not with people with things and at 92 she didn't have long to do that

Stacey - sorry you are dealing with this too, and for such a long time. So hard with a controlling person and them hanging money over your head. Glad you are going to get everything in order. He may need a facility at some point.

harpcat - I think she would have to liquefy her assets and use them to pay for the facility and then when they run out go onto Medicaid. I so agree that Smikulick does not have to take her mum onto her home.

Hard to do but, LET IT GO, LET IT GO!!
Do not trade your mental health for pettiiness.
I just spent 3 months trying to help my parents,who like to pick and choose which of the doctors orders/suggestions they'll follow. Not the inconvenient ones of course,or that may change their lifestyle. The entire family regresses to chaos . If your not in 100% I'm not in at all. Why ask for help and then not take it?!

Wow, I can relate although with my mom it's almost the opposite. I'd run out for a few hours and when I'd return it was obvious that she'd barely moved at all, but she'd tell me she did all these things I knew were impossible for her to do by herself. Then she'd say "See? I can take care of myself, go ahead and live your life and stop bugging me!".

Sad to say this is VERY COMMON. Four weeks ago my 92 yr old Mom turned limp as a rag doll on a Saturday night, attempting to stand to go to the bathroom. She denied that anything was wrong for WEEKS. I took her to the ER: congestive heart failure, strep infection, and sepsis. Yes. Under my care. BECAUSE she refuses to allude to feeling poorly, because if she is helped and gets better, she can no longer play the guilt card. ICU, then rehab, massive quantities of meds; she's now well enough to walk, dress, resume LIFE. So...this week she's declined the therapist who can help the most: swallow therapy. I guess the gagging and choking will assist the drama. Yes, narcissism is real. Be aware that sometimes this comes from childhood abuse; I'm beginning to think it's genetic (God forbid!). Even though it is a serious impediment to my caring for her, I do know she's not doing this intentionally, it's her pattern of behavior for almost a hundred years not. There's a blog by MICHELLE PIPER that has been very helpful in my opinion. Check it out. And remember: she's in YOUR BALLPARK; and has three options to choose from: cooperate with the coach and be positive and congenial, cooperate with the coach and not like it but be quiet about it, or leave the ballpark. All those options are on the table and are available. Yes- I have said this many times (gently) to my own Mom. Our Moms will never be what we want them to be- not to worry. Others involved in your situation can see through it- especially medical professionals- it's more prevalent than we'd think. Virtual hug to you and BRAVO in your endeavors to DO THE RIGHT THING. (Now- go check out that blog.)

I went through this with my mother, she had Alzheimers. I learned to ignore her complaints and negative comments about me and my children. I let her control what she needed to control, until she completely lost her mind to Alzheimers. It seemed like an eternity. She recently passed away and I am at peace knowing I did the best I could to take care of her. My sister couldn't deal with her and did nothing to help her. She travelled and lived her life without a care in the world. At the time, I was envious of the freedom that my sister had and felt so trapped with my mother. I was her 24 hour care giver and she was mean. My sister is now the one who is lost. She has to live with her decision for the rest of her life. She did not see my mother for the last 5 years of her life. She even stopped calling to see how my mother was. She is really having trouble coping with the loss of my mother and I believe it is mostly due to guilt. You are a wonderful daughter and God will bless you for taking on this huge responsibility. Power of Attorney is your mother signing a paper and allowing you to make all of the decisions for her. I went to court and received Legal Guardianship of my mother because she was no longer capable of making any decisions for herself. If your mother is diagnosed with Dementia or Alzheimers, you should be able to do this. You would have to file the papers with the court and a Judge would grant this to you. I went to my court's website, downloaded the proper forms and filed the paperwork. I did not need an attorney. The Judge spoke to my mother for 2 minutes and declared her as incompetent. If your mother is already controlling and mean, it will only progress with this disease, that is what happened to my mother. God Bless You. I will keep you in my prayers.

smikulick ~ the others have answered so very thoroughly and helpfully, i can only applaud their insights, care, and advice. One thought though, regarding the 50% of the home out of state that your mom has with the niece. Is it possible that the niece can get "permission" for a real estate transaction, to sell the property? Here, in MI, my mom has 50% of the assets of a condo [i the other, but i have POA - utilities are in her name, and i really wish we'd have sold it 3 years ago as we'd planned]. The attorney here, in MI, told us to get a "LadyBird" clause to put the property into her Trust. If your mom were to need assisted living or other level of outside care, believe me, the State will go after the 50% they are entitled to, forcing the home to be sold. At that time, it may not be at the price otherwise desired by either the neice or your mom. Can the neice perhaps look into re-titling the property, or finding out how she can have POA for just this one real estate transaction? Usually, it's required to be in the state to handle the sale at closing, but that may vary by state too. Perhaps it's good to let your nice be the enforcer for this task, as the out of pocket expenses - oh my, even for medical equipment, is horrendous! Medicare doesn't cover the essentials as they used to.

Sorry to personalize this, but ... i'm Mom's sole caregiver. She wishes i were dead, never born, would leave so she never had to look at me.... and the words cut me into shreds. Then comes the slapping, the hitting, the throwing things at me. And yet, i'm the one to give her the shower, clean her feet, food, errands, taxes, banking, balancing checkbooks, groceries, laundry, the yard work, order and fill her medication box - weekly and daily, and the list goes on. i'm disabled, and today i had to dye her hair, and cut it. She's having surgery to replace her shoulder and rotator cuff soon. In 7-1/2 months - she's had home PT/OT and nursing once a week. i hate helping her shower -- she slaps me, cries that she's getting wet, you name it. She pushed me against the door - and wallah - the beveled mirror on the bathroom door fell off it's pins and shattered all over the floor. She never did and still does;'t do her exercises unless the PT or OT person was present. Getting her out of bed caused me a dislocated thumb, firing shocks down my spine and i had epidurals in my back, along with facet joint injections - bulging discs and spinal stenosis in the low back bilaterally - and in two months, the neck will have to be done. Yet in front of strangers - i'm 'the best and she couldn't go thru this without me': home alone, i just want 5 minutes to manage the status of my own meds [minimum 59 doses a day].

Sending blessings and strength ~ have faith ~ i feel we're in this together ~ hugs! crickett33

cleverdish - I do believe there is a generic component. In the borderline personality disorder and narcissism my mother suffers from. Her siblings were all very nice; however there are a few cousins, mostly women, with the same problems she has, and also my sister and my daughter and one of her sons. My daughter does better when she is on antidepressants but she doesn't take them consistently. I suspect in some cases it is a combination of environment and genetics, but in my family it seems very strongly to be genetics. My sons are like their aunts and uncles - very nice people and easy to get along with. I know too that my mother's behavior has been and is influenced by this disease, but I do not discount the possibility of choice and treatment though it is too late for her now.

Garden Artist, I am copying and pasting your document for a reason.


My sister is the POA and a very big time controller of everything in life, including driving my father to the bank years ago to put her name on everything "because that is the way it is going to be". I was kind of surprised at that because back then my father had his wits about him and stated "i feel sorry for her because her husband died early" trust me, that is no reason to give a controlling person that will not contact neither of her sisters power of attorney or as sole Executor.

People have told us we should go to the courts to get a Guardian, but what a pain.

any advise?

I am going to reword what you wrote to make it accurate to my life, thank you garden artist.
My sister was a business major and a stay at home mom and gave me a no insight as she is a huge manipulator and controller.

My mother is in late stage Alzheimer's, therefore she is not controlling.
You state your mother is controlling; seems to me that's exactly what she is doing, as well as manipulating you, in part through the inconsistent approaches toward your involvement. I can't help envision her as a puppeteer, holding the strings to your emotions and juggling them up and down as she chooses.

MY SISTER IS THE PUPPETEER, HOLDING THE STRINGS TO MY SISTERS AND MY EMOTIONS (IF WE LET HER) I DO NOT LET HER, AND IT DRIVES HER CRAZY. MY OTHER SISTER IS AN EMOTIONAL WRECK.

SHE PLAYS TO THE CROWD. NEVER EVER TAKES ABOUT MY SISTER AND I, BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT, WE HAVE KEPT SILENT, TO ALL BUT AN ATTORNEY.

SHE IS THE EXECUTOR, AND WILL HAVE ZERO COMMUNICAITON WITH US. NOW HOW COME MY FATHER ALLOWED THAT, I WILL NEVER KNOW, BUT NOW, HE IS NOT WITHIN HIS OWN MIND. IT IS SAD, BUT LIFE MOVES ON, AND I DO NOT THINK OF HER ONE MINUTE OF ONE DAY AND THAT IS SAD, AS SHE IS MY SISTER, AND I HAVE SEEN SO MANY SIBLING RIVALRY'S OVER MONEY. MONEY WILL NOT BE ABLE TO GO WITH US WHEN WE LEAVE, LET US ALL GET ALONG. THANKS GARDEN

BYE THE WAY, SHE NEVER SEES MY MOTHER OR MY FATHER. EVER..

She'll have that hold as long as she knows you will respond and that she can manipulate those responses. So take away that ability to upset you.
She makes herself appear grateful to others by praising you but puts you down when there's no one around for her to impress. So she plays to the crowd; that predisposes anyone who might her your complaints about her ingratitude and treatment wonder if it's not her who has the problem, but you.
If it's any comfort, it's really difficult to deal with a controller; they're not going to change, so unfortunately the only thing that you can change is your attitude - response and reaction.
The next time she criticizes you for something, tell her in a very emotionless manner that you're sorry she's not pleased. Sweetly ask her what other arrangements she'd like to make. Don't ask her "if" she wants other arrangements; take it as a given and ask her what steps she'll be taking to find someone else. You might even ask her what you can do to help her find another caregiver.
This would be cruel normally, but remember - she's manipulating you, and controlling the situation, so you try to turn that control back against her.
If she complains about living at your home, give her a list of facilities and suggest she call them then make arrangements to visit them so she can decide where she wants to move.
It helps to leave the room after dropping one of these bombshells so you don't immediately feel bad and begin apologizing.
The goal is to have a nonaccusatory, uncritical response every time she puts you down.
I suggest these also not to be cruel but rather to try to even out the balance of power between the two of you.
Helpful