My 91 year old mother-in-law came to live with us a few months ago. She had been living in another state with her daughter for about half a year, but had not been well taken care of. She has 2 other children (one is retired professional person and the other a physician) who live in other states and who want nothing to do with her either physically or monetarily. She requires oxygen and has has some ailments, (COPD, emphysema, atrial fibrillation, hypertension, depression, GERD, hyperlipidemia) and her short term memory is just about completely gone and I also suspect that there is some beginning dementia. She cannot be left alone because she would attempt to do things that she cannot do by herself and that would be unsafe (bathing, cooking, walking around unsupervised, taking her meds, etc...) She is a good natured pleasant person, but she is very needy. I find myself getting very irritated by her and although I don't show it to her, I end up taking it out on my husband and son and am feeling stressed out. We bring her breakfast and lunch in her room and she has dinner with us and I find myself dreading dinnertime listening to her repeat the same thing over and over again and making little or no sense. When you spend just a short time with her, she appears to be more competent than she really is, and although we visited her several times a year when she was living in another state, we did not realize the extent of her needs before we volunteered to take her in with us, although it really would not have made a difference because her other children want nothing to do with her. I work out of my home, so it is difficult to get away for any length of time. We have tried senior day care, but most of the time she doesn't want to go and getting her prepared and ready and getting her on the bus (our town has a door to door senior transportation system) takes a lot of time and hardly seems worth it given the extra time and money involved. I believe her needs place her somewhere between an assisted living facility with extra help and a nursing home, but she is not yet ready for a nursing home and that she would suffer emotionally if she were in a nursing home (and we would feel extremely guilty!) She has very little income, just her social security ($1000/month) and we cannot afford to pay for a nice assisted living facility for her where I think she would do well because she is a social person. My mother lived with us for several years before she passed away 2 years ago and although she was difficult a lot of the time, she was much more alert and oriented and less needy until her final illness and I had respite from my family members so even though it was tough at times I did not feel as irritated and stressed as I do now. I am having a hard time understanding my feelings because as I mentioned before, my mother-in-law is a very pleasant person, she does not complain, and is appreciative of all that we do for her.
Although some are very lucky just as many CG and situations have been gifted with parents who had good money and LTC planning skills.
Please be considerate of others situations as you are not in their shoes.
Just to give you some background, my mother lost her husband in Florida, and then she immediately moved in with my sister. She did NOT want to move out. She did not want to go to my house, or anywhere. Dementia patients do not like change, and they also seem to always want to "go home," which in some ways is a place/time that was happier for them. That is a sad thing. It is sad, because she can't even remember that she is not in Florida anymore. It is all part of the disease.
Her condition was gradually getting worse at my sister's place. She kept getting rashes on her face, and we believe she was putting something besides face cream on her face, because the dermatologist said it looked like an allergy. I caught her with toothpaste all over her face the other night. There are many great dangers that you have to be aware of when you are taking care of a dementia patient at home.
When we were moving her into assisted living, she had a cough, and the nurse at the assisted living facility immediately took her temperature, and it was 102.9. She called 911, and got her into a hospital. My mother had pnemonia, but pulled through thanks to the nurse. Ordinary ailments can rapidly progress into something serious in the elderly.
Another time, she fell over boxes that she keeps moving in her room and PASSED OUT. Thankfully, again a CNA on duty was able to call 911, and I met my mother at the hospital. She was okay.
Home health aids are a great idea. Many of these companions are trained in dementia to come in during the week. They can develop wonderful relationships with them, and the aides know how to handle dementia patients. It also gives you a break. I have someone from Visiting Angels take my mother out once a week for 3 hours and the cost is $18.00 an hour. Sometimes insurance or medicaid will pay, if you qualify. I hope you success in finding a solution for everyone. It is not an easy situation.
I agree with you on all points of your Mom being better off. I wish I could convince my Mom that she needs to be in a facility of some kind, but she wants to be home. She is currently in rehab because she fell. This time gives me a breather which I desperately needed. I was a wired-up mess. But, Mom wants to be at home, so I'm going to try and work with her a while longer by having home health aids come in a give me a break on a regular basis, something I hadn't been doing. She might not need it; but I do need the help so I can stay healthy and sane. I am still checking out local facilities if she gets worse, far worse than she is now. I wish I could have the relief you so obviously feel!
I can empathize with everyone here. My mother came back from Florida after her husband died, and lived with my sister. She has progressively gotten more forgetful. My sister couldn't handle it, and we both agreed that assisted living was the way to go. We found a beautiful memory care unit at the Atria, and mom looks better than ever. They have a salon in-house, so her hair looks great. She gets manicures and pedicures. She also is cleaner and there are psychologists that come in, and a doctor that visits once a week. There is a cheerful recreation director that gets her involved in activities all week. There are weekly outings on the bus supervised by a CNA.
Compare this with her life before. My sister and I both work full-time. My mother was by herself in a small apartment, watching TV (Jerry Springer, etc.) all day. She had absolutely no social interaction. She was forgetting to eat lunch, even though my sister would try to run a sandwich home. She also was found outside and had a wandering tendency. Unfortunately, her mentality has decreased to that of a 4 year old, and you wouldn't leave a 4 year old alone all day. In today's society with many folks forced to work two jobs, there is little time for our dear parents to spend with us during the day. My mother is in a much better environment. She gets THREE excellent meals a day and snacks. Her unit is bright and cheerful, and she can sit out in a beautiful courtyard. Since the unit is a locked dementia unit, we don't have to worry about her wandering off somewhere, and I get to visit all the time, and when I visit, I am in a happy mood and we do fun things.
If you are with someone and miserable, they are going to sense it. Plus, your family is also being put under a lot of stress. Giving mom some independence and good meals and supportive activities is not a bad thing. Just be sure to thoroughly check out the facility before making any decisions.
I suspect you are doing the lion's share of the caregiving as the daughter in law, your immediate family needs to step up as in the end "blood is thicker than water". It isn't fair for her children step down while you, an in-law, step up.
If you are left alone with the work, you should ask her children to select a nursing home for her. If she has no assets and low income, she has nothing
financially to lose. However, the move to a so-so nursing home will not be in her best interest mentally.
I am sure you are doing your best but you should not be expected to walk with your MIL alone. God bless you and your mother in law she made it to 91 and that would normally be an achievement. Too bad our society has no good plans for the fragile elderly.
Sometimes, putting an elderly person in the right assisted living facility is more beneficial for them than not. She would have round the clock care by trained professionals. They may notice new health issues sooner than if she were at home. They can adjust her meds faster if needed. She can have help with all her daily routine, etc. Then there's the socialization. Most places have lots of social activities geared towards the elderly making it easier for them to take part.
The key to this is to find the right place. Do research. Consider location, do they take Medicaid?, and other services your mother-in-law may need or want. If she likes bingo; make sure they got bingo! I have learned that not-for-profit assisted living facilities, typically are good!
Of course, not all facilities are good. I found a list of facilities in my area on the internet. I googled "assisted living facilities in (my city)." I got a list of many facilities, but also a website that listed each facility with their amenities and service ratings on everything from food to cleanliness to patient care. This is a good place to start. Then go visit see what it's like. Then ask your questions.
Once you get her placed, visit often. This is good for both of you. She'll love the company and you can make sure all things are running smoothly.
Regarding you, whatever decision you make with good intention, is the right decision. We can only make decisions with the info we have and the circumstances we're in. If needed, there are caregiver support groups that may help.
I received the most help from a social worker that was referred to me by the doctor. The social worker can tell you your options and what direction to go in. They can help you with everything needed to take care of your mother-in-law; financial or medical help for low income, home heath care if needed, finding a facility if needed, legal services (Power of Attorney, HIPPA) etc.
Good Luck
I looked at your profile and you are 'caring' for someone who is in assisted living.
You are clueless so when you take someone into your home and become a hands on 24/7/365 caregiver you check in again and let's hear your tune then.
Service to others my a$$.
bless this.
Good luck, I'm sure that you are doing the best you can, maybe a little outside help from an agency will help with your situation.
Sorry I babbled on.
My mother has been, in my life, a font of useless advice that included things like 'compared to _______________ you have nothing to complain about'. Surprisingly, that never made me feel better!
What has made me feel better is to admit that I am struggling with 'this' - whatever this is - and am doing the best that I personally can do. Or, if I am not doing the best I can, then I search my soul, write things down and weigh them, talk to a trusted friend or counselor who I know I can count on to help me get clarity and will tell me the truth, then figure out a game plan that I know I can commit to. We all have gifts and the ability to do for others. Do NOT compare yourself to someone else. Only strive to do your personal best. If a vessel is empty nothing can be poured out and that is the problem for many caretakers. If you need reinforcements, if you need to draw a boundary and say 'this is what I can commit to and no more', then you will be more effective at WHAT you CAN do. You do NOT have to lose your life and identity and complete happiness to prove you are a good or caring person.
My BIL is so resentful and punishing to my 93 year old MIL because he takes everything on (and there are perks for him, ie, he controls her bank account and has full access to it which we know he occasionally helps himself to). My MIL is afraid of him and he bullies her and resents her but his 'image' on the outside of things means so much to him and being a perceived martyr in his circle of friends, family and church acquaintances makes him feel truly always 'in the right' that a) we are not able to be a part of caretaking for my MIL b) he resents her and takes it out on her and c) she is unhappy too.
Allow others to help if they offer and do not expect them to do everything the way you might think it should be, loosen up and don't be hard on yourself, do healthy things for yourself, and admit to yourself what you are truly able to do and fill in the blanks the best you can. There are resources out there and you should not feel bad for just being who you are.
Not everyone (very few) are cut out to be caretakers. Don't look at it as failing, look at it as trying. Your Mother needs full time care, in a facility that can see to her needs.
My own 94 yo Mother would have sat in a chair and died, without a fall sending her to the hospital. She is now in a NH and is much better, nutritionally and her grooming needs are taken care of.
The tasks of a caregiver are just tremendous and I can only begin to imagine how you feel. Have you asked your Mom's doctor for help? Everyone thinks of hospice as end of life but honestly it is much more than that. Get in contact with your local senior care, faith based organization, social security and see what other help is available. You may want to consult with an attorney. This is no easy task and navigating through the process is challenging. You can do it - one step at a time. Best wishes to you and your family.