My grandparents live in their own home, and my grandfather has been caring for my grandmother with dementia for the past few years. He is very protective of the situation to outsiders, and wants to "vent" to the family but refuses to let us help or take our advice. In the past 6 months my grandmother's condition has become worse, and it is now taking a toll on my grandfathers health. She is verbally abusive due to her condition, will throw a tantrum if she does not get her way just like a child. She will not eat anything but cake, and wants to go shopping and will by baby clothes and toys weekly, sometimes she spends $100 on junk at goodwill. She is becoming more incontinent and has started having accidents outside of the house. My grandfather refuses to do anything to make her mad. We feel as though he is unable to care for her properly if he doesn't change how he deals with her behavior. We try to explain to him that even if she gets mad at him for not taking her to goodwill, she will forget soon. We even suggested that he tell her the store closed, or that she has already been out today but he will not "lie" to her. The house is very dirty, every surface is piled with trinkets, and has not been dusted or sanitized in years. Any time we try to help by doing house work she will get angry and my grandfather will make us stop. She has also left the house on her own several times and started walking down the road. The last time she did this she fell and broke her teeth, and bruised her face badly, The time before that a friendly stranger picked her up and returned her home (luckily). I believe it is time for a professional to intervene. I believe we need to have a social worker or something sent out to their house. I can't seem to find any information on who to contact from any local websites. I should also mention that my grandfather's behavior towards her has always been like this, as she was not a very nice person before the dementia set it. Any and all suggestions are appreciated. Thank you.
- is anyone the Power of Attorney for either of your grandparents? If yes, then that PoA can start acting and making decisions in this situation to protect and help the both of them.
- if grandparents have not assigned anyone PoA: it is too late for Gramma since she already has demonstrative dementia. Your parent will need to go to court to get guardianship of her.
Your parents need to sit down with your Grampa (alone, and only if he doesn't have cognitive problems himself) and explain that either he lets his family help him or APS will be called. If APS is called and they find your mom is being neglected (like her wandering and falling and having visible injuries), then they can get guardianship of her and remove her from his house and he won't have any control over it. They can put her in a facility that he doesn't choose, which could be far away from where he lives. OR he can assign your parent as his durable PoA, and not stand in the way of your parent getting guardianship of your Gramma and allowing family to help the both of them.
Please understand that his generation is terrified of nursing homes because they have terrible reputations (although many new ones are very, very nice and provide excellent care). Also, it may be a family culture that "assumes" family take care of family and no one ever gets outside help or goes into a NH.
In the end, your grandparents need more care than any one family can provide. Grampa no longer gets to have his way -- a care decision will be made one way or another - the question is, is he voluntarily involved in a realistic solution, or is he going to choose to have the county make the decisions. I wish your family all the best as they attempt to help them. Let us know how it goes!
They were also a couple where one partner kept denying the other was "that bad". We tried as hard as we could to get them help. At the end of the day, we had to wait until the demented person had to be taken to the hospital. The hospital put her in rehab and that turned into a permanent placement. Once your grandmother is in a placement, they will have to make sure she is safe when she is discharged. This usually means she won't go back home.
The actual process of placing her was very stressful because you may not know which facilities are good and which aren't. Your family could start now by looking at the options you have locally for a care facility. We found that some of them had agreements with certain hospitals to accept patients from them. So, if you have a choice, you might be able to get your grandmother to the right ER and then into the facility you like.
It also helps to have an insurance that your preferred facility likes....and some money to pay for a while before Medicaid kicks in.
If your grandfather will cooperate, it would be good to have him meet with an elder care lawyer to get ready for a Medicaid application. Unless they are filthy rich, there is probably a Medicaid application in their future. It would be good to know how that works before it is actually needed.
It's hard to watch them decline and refuse to be helped. If they could start now making some choices, they would be better off. But most people wait till a crisis hits and then Life will make choices for them. And all we can do is stand by and watch.
Talk with your family to make sure your grandparents have Powers of Attorney (medical and financial) in place. If not, take them to a lawyer and have those documents drawn up. They should also have medical directives and wills in place as well.
Then take them to their doctor. Explain the behavior through your journal entries and pictures. It seems they are not competent to live in their home without constant help from others. The doctor can make the diagnosis of "mental incompetency:. The person(s) with the POAs can make arrangements for help" home health care aides, move in with family, or residential facility.
Maybe if he hears it from a perspective of 'his' health and well being he would allow some intervention. Some help to clean, cook or handle some of the tasks he tries to do for her.
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