wheelchair bound And she isn't very nice about it either. What do I do!? I feel as if there should be some background as I think certain elements add layers of dimension to a seemingly simple situation and I REALLY need some good advice - I am an only child. I got pregnant young, the dad exited stage right and I was raising my daughter alone, living w/ my Mom still. Got my diploma w/ Moms help and continued on devoting my life to my child. Trying to figure out my next step in life, as always, with my Moms help.
Just before my 18th birthday my Mother died in a tragic and very traumatic accident. My daughter was 8mo's old. I didn't know my father so the people I turned to were my maternal grandparents for a place to live, life skills, emotional and spiritual help, etc... Grandma turned me away. Literally, turned me away. She stated that they "didn't have enough room" in their 3bdrm 2bath home for my baby and I. I lived in my car and couch surfed for about six months until my GRANDFATHER stepped up and helped me buy a mobile home which allowed me the stability, the 'leg up' if you will, to get my crap together and figure out my life. I remained deeply envolved in their lives and although there was no emotional support we did every holiday together and they were always there for my children. I understood that the pain of losing a child is the most unbearable thing and that her pain must have been much greater than mine. I shoved my feelings down deep and sought harmonious relationships with my Grandparents.
Later in life, the day he died actually, my Grandpa pulled me to the side and told me how sorry he was for "being so mean" to me and his only regret in his life is that he wasn't there for me when my mom died. He healed a LIFETIME of pain in that moment. My Grandmother on the other hand, has not and will NOT, even acknowledge there has ever been a problem. There is never an issue or a problem in her mind. There never has been, small or large. I wonder if she has lived her whole life in delusion. Delusional to the point that she lives in a whole other world in her head. Truly, she is sharp, remembers the past, yet refuses to admit that her body is hardly here anymore, that she is in Hospice, that she has already outlived the 6month time frame given. She thinks she can use the toilet on her own when her muscles in her legs are gone. She thinks she can cut her own food and feed herself. Not so. I do that for her and have been for some LONG time now.I do everything she demands, down to dialing the phone for her. Her voice is strong. Her lack of compassion for others, even stronger. Her muscles have atrophied from not using them. No PT or any Doc has been able to help. No hospice nurse or chaplain, no one can get through to her. She will tell me she brushed her teeth "this morning' when in all reality, she hasn't been able to use her hands in 6 months. She REFUSES to let me do it, so after me fighting and stressing and having multiple anxiety attacks daily, I gave up. She hasn't brushed her teeth in a month now...The Hospice CNA tries to brush them twice a week when she comes to bathe her. Sometimes it works... others, not so much. She BELIEVES she practices amazing self-care when in reality she has and does fight me tooth and nail, Every. Single. Step. Of. The. Way.!
And now, the toilet... I am physically unable to lift her from a sitting position from wheelchair to toilet and she is unable to do transition herself, even with gate-belt. We have a lift to get her in and out of bed but it wont fit in her bathroom. She will hold her urine instead of using bedpan or depends. I have tried everything I can think of to help. By the way, my Grandmothers diagnosis, the reason she is dying in my home on Hospice? Failure to Thrive. Not cancer or diabetes or any fatal illness. No. Failure to Thrive. After I have set up and facilitated a wonderful surrounding and atmosphere, where she is surrounded by people who love her. In fact, I have Grandchildren so she gets to see 5 generations. She is so loved and so very BLESSED! Failure to Thrive seemed like a big, fat failure for ME. Im working through that currently. At any rate, I have been dealing with my issues surrounding my Mom's death and that whole scenerio, pretty much my while life. Now, it is almost 30 years later, I am a grown woman with a wonderful husband, amazing children and grandchildren and caring for my Grandmother, who has lived in my home for almost 4 years now. I have been exclusively caring for her and attending to her every want/need for close to 7yrs, since my Grandfather passed away. She is the living breathing epitome of passive-aggressive behavior that is morphing into pure bitterness, resentment and spitefulness. She is a miserable person and no matter what I, or anyone else does, she will remail this way. She chooses to be this way, ignoring her love, joy and blessings. She cares more about what she considers, her dignity, which seems to lie in where she goes to the bathroom. What do I do?
I would question what she is thinking or if she is thinking much of anything, though you say she's sharp. Something is really off and when that's the case, the disturbed person can't keep driving the train. Since, it seems that you have difficulty doing that with her, I'd explore Hospice Centers in order to place her. Then your time with her could be less stressed and focused more on other things.
If you are going to care for her you must understand that what she says is not based in truth but her delusions. She will twist turn and pervert everything to get what she wants, make you look bad, and/or whatever she can to maintain control. Even as her body gives out the twisted energy will keep her going. This is a no win situtation and she is insane.
I wonder if your grandmother has ever tried the newer pull up incontinence briefs? They are nothing like the huge, bulky diapers she may be envisioning, in fact the lighter ones are only a little bigger that the average full size "granny pantie" briefs. You might try some out with the idea that they are for "just in case" you can't get her to the toilet on time, not as a replacement to toileting altogether. Even one less mess is a victory!
Interesting, I'm in the same position as you, with my FIL, moving soon from our home, and into a Senior Living situation, probably Assisted living. I will be very interested in how that goes for you! I will PM you with questions, and maybe we can learn as we go, from one another, Good Luck! Taking back our lives! Yea!
Hopefully you get a decent amount of respite time. I just started the process of securing a spot for my 90 yr old can't be left alone mom in assisted living after moving her into my home 7 years ago. I haven't felt this good in a long time. She is bored so the move will serve everyone. She could live another 10 years and I can't spend the next decade this way. Her savings will go and then medicaid but its well worth it. This is my life too.
I accept that you are working on accumulating good karma, but you can only do what you are physically able, I tell my mom I'm not a 6' tall muscle bound man, it's just me and I can't carry her. Would she accept using a commode?
Have you talked to the director of the hospice organization for ideas or for another way to deal with her refusal to cooperate? Is there a residential hospice in the area? You need help and I understand when you have to blow the whistle when you cannot physically lift them anymore.
Keep us posted and my best to you.
Then you locate the appropriate facilities and take her on tours. If she's not ammenable, you start eviction procedings.