Grandpa has not showered/bathed in 2 years! What can I do?

There has been a lot of terrific input from the community. I'll only add that for my mother-in-law, hiring a person come in once a week for a bath was well worth the money. She was exceptionally modest and did not want family members bathing her. She wasn't crazy about the aides, either, but she did as they asked without much of a problem. As mentioned above, sometimes "getting naked" in front of family members seems taboo where a "nurse" (any CNA, caregiver or helper outside the family who is a professional at what they do) is okay.
Good luck with this tough issue,
Carol

If your loved ones are not bathing bathe them !!!! Take the time out of your busy day and go visit ,,Bathing is very important .... even if they are kicking and screaming get them clean ,,, Driving when you can't even shower yourself is a danger to us all come on people its common sense ... ask for help find a way ,,, 2 years is like torture and if it was a child he or she would be in Child Protective services .. i promise once you get him or her washed ... they will not be so cranky
kdub24hourcare

My mother never went this long without a bath but it has been a problem getting her to take one as well. There were a couple of things we did that changed things. We told her doctor we were having problems getting her to bathe....you NEED to tell them! We went to a doctor who prescribed medication to help her relax and it altered her mood so she was not so resistant. An in home health care giver was called and we told her that this person was going to bathe her since she continually refused to bath herself. She now bathes on her own once or twice a week. You do need a man that grandpa doesn't feel like he can push around. You also need medication to help control grandpas actions but if you DO NOT TELL THE DOCTOR WHAT IS GOING ON WHEN THERE IS ANY PROBLEM, NO ONE CAN HELP YOU. When you tell the doctor remember to tell him you need assistance with this matter.

AJ....you are 100% correct. It is much easier if you let them feel comfortable, warm, secure and still maintain their dignity. If you can get a CNA / HHA to come in to help with this, once a week or so, it is much much easier on all involved. Good luck and God Bless. I am thankful that my MIL (who has Alzheimers for 7 years now) allows me to give her a shower at least once a week. It does take 2 of us to do it because she doesn't walk so we transfer her into the shower and one covers her eyes with the washcloth and holds the hose so that the warm water is constantly running over her body while the other one washes and then rinses. She is always sooo good about it .... unlike her husband, before he passed away. God Bless you and I really hope things work out better for you. BTW...nursing homes are NOT always the answer. My MIL will never go back into a nursing home....she will be living with us till her last breath.

My mother got like that. We were able to have a bath lady come in and that is the woman that called 911 and got Mother to a hospital. From there, she was unable to return home. Now, at the NH - she is clean. Her clothes are clean. Her hair is done - and she is healthy. Why? Because all the other old ladies are clean, etc.

But, you will have to decide. Will you take legal measures to get him out of his home or allow him to just slip away?

He goes to bed right? Take the clothes away. In the AM march him into the bathroom and get him into the tub, on a chair and he must have a tub rail. He'll need a handheld shower, wall mounted showers are frightening, and you need to set the temperature. Help him strip down and wash his back for him, shampoo his hair, then draw the curtain and let him do all the other parts. There is nothing weird about this, he changed your diaper didn't he?

All good answers. I definitely agree with people who suggest getting a home health aide to bathe your grandpa and use a shower seat and hand-held spray or, if that does not work, using No-Rinse Body Wash. That is an excellent product.

Two questions:

1. Have you seen his home situation for yourself recently or are you taking a relative's word for it? My dad's girlfriend told me he peed all over the house when in reality, he just got the bathroom around the toilet messy because his urine stream split and he won't sit down to pee. Unpleasant but cleanable, yes. All over the house, no.

2. Who puts the catheter back in? If things are as gross as you say, he's lucky not to have gotten an infection from that. If he does the catheter himself, he's just lucky. If a trained nurse or aide replaces the catheter, they could be cleaning that area really well without worrying about the surrounding gunk. You or your parents should ask about that.

If he is admitted to a hospital for any reason, make sure the hospital social worker knows about the state of the house. They can send him to a nursing facially instead of back home if he can't take care of himself. He probably won't thank you for that bit of interference, but it will get him cleaned up and you can visit in a sanitary place where you can focus on him and not the smell and pee everywhere.

The doctor and his staff will probably never address the issue unless you intervene. They only have to interact with him for a maximum of 30 minutes and then he's out of their office. So, I'd write a letter to the doctor (confidentially) and ask him or her to specifically address bathing during your grandfather's next doctor visit. Tell him that the house smells very strongly of urine and body odor and it's affecting your grandmother's quality of life. Ask the doctor to instruct your grandfather that he MUST have weekly baths and that a home health aid will give them if necessary. It's time to overrule grandpa's 'wishes'.
Someone who can't manage his catheter care and refuses to maintain minimum hygiene standards is someone who needs help. If your grandmother can't physically do it, it's time to bring in help or move your grandfather to an AL or SNF.

Good grief, welcome to my world! My mother and brother (who live in the same house, ages 84 and 63, respectively) do not take showers or baths. Ugh! I dread going over there for visits in the fall, winter and spring because the house is sealed up tight (no windows open for fresh air) and the smell in the house is terrible! They don't smell it anymore because that's the way they live.

They have a cat but I'll tell you, it's not the cat, as my mother is fastidious about cleaning the litter box, etc. It's body odor, plain and simple. My mother will wash herself with a soapy washcloth (face, neck, underarms) and do a pretty good job. My brother, on the other hand, stinks! He gets up everyday and puts on the same clothes unless my 84-year old mother yells at him to put on clean clothes. She still does his laundry. He also does not brush his teeth and his mouth is a cess pool. I'm surprised his teeth have not fallen out by now. He's had plenty of abscesses and infections but then only will go to a dentist when he can't stand the pain anymore. I don't know how a dentist or hygienist will get within 50 feet of him!

I go over there and have to beg him to comb his hair. Good God, doesn't he look in the mirror??? His hair is greasy and all matted down from sleeping at night. Before he goes anywhere, he supposedly "wets down" his hair and combs it. I bought him a brush one time and put it on his dresser and told him to use it! It's disgusting! You can smell him from 5 feet away. My mother is 84 and tired of getting after him all these years he's lived there, so she just stopped saying anything. It's so embarrassing when I have them over. My brother was sick a few months ago (coughing, hacking, etc. for days on end -- of course, would he call his primary care doctor and get in to see him?? -- of course not, he'd rather wait until Sunday or at night after the PC doctor's office is closed) that my mother called me and wanted me to take him to the emergency room. I told him I wouldn't until he took a shower or bath because he stinks! No healthcare worker should have to deal with that. I ran a bath and I (his 55 year old sister) took the hand held shower and "hosed him down" while he was sitting in a tub of soapy water. He screamed like a baby when I squirted water on his face to get it wet so he could use the soapy washcloth to wash his face! "Oooh, ooooh, I got water in his eyes" Good God! It was ridiculous! I'm sorry I sound callous but I've totally had it. My parents were enablers, who told my brother all his life that he was stupid and couldn't do anything, so now he doesn't! My father is now deceased and it's just my mother and brother who live in the house. My only living sister is totally useless. She doesn't help at all and basically doesn't want to know anything or gives a rat's behind.

I try to limit my exposure to them because it's like banging my head against the wall. I can see my mother "slowing down" more and more over the last 5 years since my father died. She does not have dementia and neither does my brother. My brother is just clueless. The smell in the house is awful (body odor) and I placed one of those Glade automatic air fresheners in their house -- the kind that sprays a spritz of air freshener every 30 minutes round the clock. Well, it doesn't help. They would need 10 of those things! I've even gone over there and check it and the can is empty inside it. I didn't say anything, I just replaced it with a new can. Still doesn't make a dent in the smell. After I leave the house, I can smell my hands (which were freshly washed before I stepped into their house) and the smell of body odor permiates my hands. It's mind boggling!

There is nothing I can do to get my brother to bathe and/or shower on a daily basis. I've told him he smells and to "please" take a shower or bath but it just goes in one ear and out the other. I give up. Again, I just try to limit my exposure to them (it's sad, really). When I am able, I go over there and give my mother a shower (yes, she has a shower chair). It's usually a 4-hour affair when I do it because she has me doing all sorts of stuff over there that my brother could do, but he doesn't (he's passive aggressive). He gets a nice pension check every month but I found out he doesn't give my mother a dime. SHE won't take any money from him because "he has expenses" (what, I don't know, because his car is paid for). He gets $1,000 more a month than my mother annuity (from my deceased father's pension), yet she tells me "he doesn't get a lot of money". What a crock of crap! I keep telling her he has NO expenses and he has a ton of money in the bank (how do I know? Because I set up his bank accounts for him!) but she makes excuses for him. Enabling. He says "she won't take any money" from him and that's probably true but he should INSIST ANYWAY THAT SHE TAKE IT!!!!!

Ugh....I've got to stop typing now, my blood pressure is climbing. But back to the bathing issue, lizony, unfortunately, unless you can convince him to have a home health care worker come in and give him one, or you insist on doing it yourself, you're in a losing battle. If they live in that environment, they are not going to smell the odor or themselves! It's just is what it is, sorry to say. Good luck to you.

P.S. I've also realized that the generation of my parents and in-laws (over 80-ish) did not take daily baths or showers. Bath "day" was usually once a week and that's the way it was back then. Also, elderly people (not my brother) tend to lose their sense of smell -- I think that's why they "bathe" themselves in perfume. I know if I get on an elevator with an elderly person who's done this, I get an instant headache from the perfume overload.

It's nursing home time. Sorry. Get guardianship and look for a facility. It will happen eventually anyway.

We had the MD write a "prescription" (on a real prescription pad) to take a bath twice a week. We would show it to Mom and it worked for a while until her dementia got too bad.

There were some great points brought up here, with very difficult issues. Hugs sent to Lucysmom501 & Lizony. I work in the Healthcare industry, and also have to deal with issues of cleanliness and infection control caring for family. It is much easier to deal with Dementia Patients at Assisted Living, Nursing Homes, and in the Hospital. When trying to get a loved one, whom you have known for years, and they are living at home, to shower, brush teeth, use soap and hot water to wash dishes, and all around to prevent illness, they get very combative and refuse. It doesn't matter whether they are have dementia or not, it is just that we are emotionally involved and for good reason, they are our family. We feel can't be disrespectful, and also on the other end, we are taking away our parents, grandparents, spouses's independence and freedom. They lived their entire life not being under the age of 8 and want to keep their freedom and dignity. That comes at a huge price to both the caregiver and them.

At the facilities it is so much easier. We are trained, but don't force other peoples loved ones to shower, or do bed baths. It is illegal to use restraints, so we persuade them gently. With the Dementia patients, they are loaded with fear, and need to feel safe and not have their dignity compromised.

This is the technique I use to have someone at one of the facilities to be clean. I will first ensure they have privacy. Then, to make sure they are warm, and tell them every step of the process. If they can help or assist in any way, I let them, and ask for their help. I don't use the word shower, bath, or use terms that are negative. Every little accomplishment, no matter how small, I praise them, since it makes them feel very happy. We all want to feel happy, and safe. When getting them ready for a bed bath or shower, I get every thing ready. (6 washcloths, 4 towels, bath blanket, special body shampoo, and ointment to dress any wounds). In the bathroom I get the hand held shower nozzle, turn it on low to medium, and test the water on my wrist to make sure it isn't too cold, and also to prevent burns. When bringing them in a shower chair, and doing the transfer I ask them, "would you like to freshen up and feel good?" "It's going to feel really good, and you will feel nice and warm and safe." When helping to undress them, whether a bed bath or going to the shower room, I will close the door, draw the privacy curtain, and then tell them, " I need their assistance, and they will be kept warm, and that I will keep them covered to protect their privacy." Next, I will cover them with a sheet or bath blanket, undress one arm, ask them to hold the sheet, undress the next arm and ask them if they can help lean forward to take the shirt off. Even if it is a bed bath, I will ask for their assistance to roll over, while keeping them covered. When taking them to the shower room, I will have them fully covered in 2 bath blankets, one on the back of the chair, to prevent drafts, and one on the front to keep them warm. It also prevents them from feeling exposed, and their private parts from being seen. In the shower room, I will turn on the hand held shower nozzle, and warm up the water so it won't be too cold, or to hot to burn them. I'll test the water on my wrist first, and then ask, "can you test the water, is it too cold, is it good?" They always answer and will say, "too hot, too cold, or nod ok". Then, I never spray directly over their head, I use my hand to gently aerate the water, and when placing soap in their hair, have them hold a washcloth over their eyes. I use one washcloth for the face, one for their eyes, one for under each arm, one for the front of their chest, and front private part, another for their back, and one or a few for their rear end. When rinsing off, I always tell them exactly what I'm doing, and keep the hose down at approximately shoulder height. I will also try to warm them up several times by running warm water on their back, and arms. I also tell them, "you are doing great, thanks for helping, doesn't that feel so good?" If they can help clean their face, I ask them to use the washcloth to clean their face, or give them one to do their arm or chest. Also, it doesn't matter if they clean well, since I will make sure I clean that area. It just makes them feel like someone is asking permission, they feel great about being able to care for themselves, and they feel warm and protected.

When helping out in other peoples homes, I also check to see if there are grab bars, transfer benches, non-slip strips on the shower or bathtub floor. Always place non-slip shoes on their feet, do they have a shower hand held hose, if not use a clean plastic container for soaping up the washcloth, and one for rinsing. When bring them in, I already have the water warmed up, and will close the door, and close the shades or blinds for privacy, and to keep them warm.

The most important things that the loved one, or the loved one in a facility are dealing with are that they are losing their independence that they had all their life. Their privacy is being compromised. They get cold very easily. It is very unsafe to take a shower or bath, since that is where the most serious falls can occur. They don't want the family member to see them naked, since it is inappropriate from their point of view. They get comfortable and don't think it is necessary to bathe. Their eyesight, sense of smell, and taste aren't as good as what it was years ago. If they are taking any medicine, (Pain, heart, Blood Pressure, Diabetes, etc.), it will affect their judgment and they will not be aware as we are about the situation at hand. If their doctor doesn't address the situation, you may need to have a private consultation with him or her and tell about the complete living conditions. They may need a Eldercare Social Worker, and Eldercare attorney, someone from a licensed agency (Certified Nursing Assistant, Certified Home Health Care Worker), that is licensed with the state to come in a few times a week to help out. Maybe even a housekeeper once a week, once ever other week to keep their living conditions, including their own person hygiene in check. Also, remove trip hazards, and slip hazards. Throw rugs, have to be removed, or place non-slip backing underneath. They are afraid of spending, money, so say it is not a problem, you are treating them, to remove their fear of financial difficulty. The Eldercare Social Worker, can help get costs covered. The social worker will also make sure they are getting proper nutrition by sending in a dietician.

Family is the hardest, and very difficult. This entire thread has given me some great ideas. Whether the family member is competent and doesn't have Dementia, or not, I will definitely get a CNA/CHHA in to help assist me, since it will eliminate the combative loved one's protests. It also has reminded me, that it might be best to get outside help with my loved ones.

I am all that my dad has. An only child and mom passed away 7 years ago. She had dementia and was in a nursing home for the last 2 1/2 years of her life. My husband was a plumber and when mom was still home, he installed a hand held shower with a transfer chair so that dad could bathe her. Never used. Now he's 93 and lives alone in the house. Does he use the shower? No. He says he washes every day. He sees a few different doctors and nothing has been brought up about his odor, but I smell it. I called his GP with my concerns and he agreed that his hygiene is slipping but that he's fine mentally. He still drives and I had concerns about that. GP says leave him alone, he's fine. The cleaning girl that goes there once a month told me that when she runs water in the bathroom sink upstairs, dirty water comes up in the tub. Obviously a problem! She told him and he says he will have it taken care of. I have POA, but until he's declared incompetent, there's nothing I can do. Yes, I've told him that he has an odor and his answer is no he doesn't, he washes every day. The house stinks from when mom was there smoking with the windows closed and was incontinent. The upstairs is the worst, I guess the urine is in the hard wood floors. He won't sell the house and go into assisted living. I'm at my wits end. I want him to stay as independent as long as possible, but I also don't want people saying how he stinks either. Am I a youngster myself? No....I'll be 71 soon and I have orthopedic issues or trust me, I'd be over there scrubbing! What in the heck do we do? Especially when the GP gives you no help!

2 years? Home health care should have been called soon after he stopped bathing. I helped my father bathe. We had a walk in shower and shower chair. He could wash himself and then I'd use the hand held shower to rinse him. It's hard to believe he hasn't bathed in 2 years. Where are his children? You need to get some help and good luck.

You don't say if he has dementia or not. Patients with dementia do not like showering because it reminds them of fire. Yes, I cannot explain it, but Arizona State Univ. did research and found it sounds like they are burning up. Either hire a big male home healthcare worker to come in and wash him off with a wash cloth, or use a gentle spray bottle. He probably won't react so violently with a total stranger as he does with family members. Two years with a leaking catheter is WAY too long to go without bathing. At the very least, hand him a disposable wipe to wipe the genital area and his arm pits (different wipe of course). If that goes well, maybe the rest of him can be washed that way. Wipes come with aloe vera infused, but at this time I would not use anti-bacterial wipes. His skin is full of bacteria and it may compromise his skin more. Good luck!

Agree with answers. Just like to add that depression may be a part of this. Has that been discussed with his doctor?

I agree 100% with Madeaa. Get ahold of the Office of the Aging or the Public Health Nurses and see about getting someone to come in and clean him up. They will force him to get cleaned up. I remember when my father-in-law was going to Dailysis treatments 3 times a week. He wouldn't clean up either but the CHC aides came in 3 times a week, just before his Dialysis appointment and they told him he didn't have a choice and moved him into the bathroom. They don't understand how putrid the smell is and how unsanitary and unhealthy it is....for fear of infections.

You definitely could use some assistance, even if just one or two times a week to get him cleaned up. Also, he may be afraid or unable to get into the shower, for fear of falling, or maybe he is afraid of the water (drowning). There is some issue there that he isn't telling you guys, that maybe an outside person can get out of him. I would also talk to his doctors and tell them that they need to say something to him when he comes in for a visit. It usually is received better by an outside source, than from family. Good luck and definitely get some help...you and your gramma need it.

OMG this is just awful for all of you, it amazes me just how taxing our caregiving experiences can be, so diverse and yet the same, just a different twist on a familiar nightmare. I wonder where are your parents in all of this, but I understand being alone for many different reasons. I would get a public health nurse to come out to the house and get involved, it is beyond you by yourself. He either gets him home care, or goes into a residential care setting. Your Grandmother at 70 is relatively young so to speak and would benefit from a doctor's visit and eval for depression. This sounds like it has to change now, you are too young, you could be doing this for a very very very long time, time to get some help on board, remember it takes a village, there is no shame in getting help, it is part of the reality of life, aging and dying.

Does he have a seat in the shower or tub with a hand held sprayer to help him bathe himself? This might help. Also maybe you and grandma can convince him to do so and then you will go out to lunch or do a special treat. I can't imagine. Ask him point blank what he is afraid of. If the seat is in the shower or tub and he can maneuver in there, you could at least have bucket of warm water nearby he can hand dip wash cloth or wash mitt in and body wash with large washcloth and or warm wet towel to drape across his legs and back and keep off the chill.

Tell him it makes grandma uncomfortable for him to never bathe and or that dr says he might get infection and bacteria will get in catheter and he might easily end up in hospital...see if that helps, or tell him you see bugs in his hair, and he better shower and wash his hair...

Lastly, threaten if he doesn't do it himself, you will call in a nurse to come in a couple times a week to bathe him. Case closed. Then do it.

I wouldn't put up with it.