My grandparents can barely walk with walkers, they're in constant pain, they have a ton of family members breathing down their necks telling them what they should do but at least we got my grandmother on anti anxiety meds (that only helps so much). Everyone is wearing themselves out helping my grandparents but it just angers them. We can't even convince them to let someone meet with them for an hour just to discuss the idea of getting some profession in home care. Before I was supportive of everyone helping but I've changed my attitude. Now I feel my grandparents (and everyone for that matter) are so stressed and upset that everyone needs to just back off. Will one of them end up in the ER or worse--yes. Will their lives be easier if they had prof. help--yes. Will they accept help--NO a hundred times over. I feel they need love in the form of good conversation and distraction from the topics of health and death. What is the right thing to do? Force them to get help when they're already furious or back off? The entire, huge extended family is miserable at this point. How can we help my grandparents move on gracefully? (they don't qualify for hospice just yet but they did come by one day)
As we become older, we cherish our independence more and more, and we also experience some sense of pride that does not allow us to accept help when proffered.
It's a human thing, but is is there. Stand ready to help but don't push in when you've been given the message by the principals.
My regrets are that I kept trying to force my father to do what his poor body couldnt do and that I didnt share what was happening to him. It was his life and he was scared and in pain. He needed compassion, empathy and the dignity to chose what he wanted for himself and for my mother. That was the greatest kindness I could have given him. May you find a decision that puts you at peace.
Personally (we are 59 and 63) my husband and I have been taking mental notes on how we want to ease into our later years and have been 'doing it' for some time. Our parents (his are both gone and mine are in their eighties) were, with the exception of my dad, never active physically. We are making sure that we have been making lifestyle changes to keep our bodies stronger. We have experienced parents who cut medications in half because THEY don't think they need that much or that it is cheaper to use less. However, they rarely questioned their doctors about what could be done as an alternative to taking medications or so much of it. We have intentionally moved into a home with a small enough lot to be able to pay for lawn service rather than 'realize' a dream of having acreage or even a huge yard knowing it won't be long before we cannot care for it and then be forced to sell a home we love. When we purchase something (new wine glasses) we get rid of the old ones, so we don't have more than we need and jammed closets and storage that one day someone else is going to have to go through and throw out. We have a current will and directives. (Our parents did do that). We also have financially been responsible so our kids won't have to take care of us financially (ours did that too and we were raised that way, thankfully). We have chosen carefully and realistically the one of our six kids who we trust to execute things for us if and when we are unable and have NOT stuck our heads in the sand about 'wanting everybody to just get along', knowing the personalities we have between them all, including the people they are married to (or not married to!). My advice would be to back off and let things be, at least for a while. The more you push people who do not want to be pushed the more they will resist. Independence is a fundamental need for a person as an adult and from birth, we all are straining to achieve it. Who would want that wrenched from them? Put yourself in their place. Be kind. You'll catch more flies with honey than vinegar! Bad things MAY happen if every eventuality isn't covered, but, frankly, that's life. Those events are the things that do push the envelope and it does help point out to the elderly person that a change does need to occur. Most of all, it would be helpful for everyone to think about how they would want to be treated (empathy) and also, learn from these events to make changes for their own futures and families. As for my own parents, my dad, who ran a successful company and had the wherewithal to retire at 50, has had two knee surgeries, two hand surgeries, two back surgeries (fusions) and we cannot stop him from climbing on the roof to clean out gutters or from strapping a huge gas powered leaf blower in the fall to keep his 3.5 acres leaf-free (impossible). He should not be doing these things. I am sure he feels that he'd rather die from a fall off the roof than give up what he loves, his home. He was a builder and developer. He has the most beautiful and enviable home in his neighborhood, a huge source of pride for him. (Pride is one of the seven deadly sins and I fear that could be the case if common sense doesn't prevail, which it won't). What he fails to see is that he could take a spill and end up in a wheelchair and not dead. But he is a stubborn GROWN UP and it is his right to live his life. The five of us siblings cannot agree on what to do and believe me, he would resist ANY type of 'directive' from any of us. I have totally backed off, and, as I said, taken lessons from their behavior, tried to understand and realize that when and if I am needed to help pick up the pieces, that's when I will be there.
My parents' [in their 90's] primary doctor recommended a Life Alert type of device but my Dad say "no, that's for old people"..... ooooook, I guess we will bring up the subject in a few years when they are in their early 100's.... [sigh].
I would imagine their is one or two children are grandchildren who have the respect of your grandparents (Perhaps their "favorite son or daughter"). Inlaws need to really back off as help needs to come from the children --same with advice.
Let things cool off, then have the "favorites" visit to make sure medications and doctor visits are being handled. If they are on walkers they need help with these things. Make sure they are eating well. Get someone to clean for them. See how they do alone.
The favorites should talk to them in unrushed visits about what they want to do. Take them out to eat, to church not just medical trips. Reduce their loneliness and sense of isolation.
Always remember the elderly know they are losing ground. At 45 yrs old, people think they should be exercising more, doing this or that, but the 45 year old has no idea the pain they are feeling.
In the short run, less is more. Be guided by what they want done for them.
As time goes by, they will realize what help they need.
Good luck.
It is so difficult to help the independent. They are hanging onto their ability to self determine!
“A productive family meeting can build a strong foundation for family caregiving. Do you share common values? Talk about what is most important to all of you—autonomy or safety. Establish common goals. Divide responsibility based on the strengths and abilities you bring to the family. It is important to be specific. Develop a contract that delineates the commitments family members have made, and solidify those commitments with signatures that verify that everyone understands and agrees to the plan. Be sure to date the contract in case changes are needed later on.”
In your situation you have an extensive family, so finding consensus will be a challenge. I agree with all responders that the family needs to back off for now (this would be part of your family plan) and allow your grandparents to regain their sense of autonomy. Once they feel a greater sense of control, they MIGHT be ready acknowledge their need for more help and make the choice to accept it (offered up in small steps). If they don’t, then they will suffer the consequences, and none of you should feel guilty, say “I told you so,” or allow those consequences to become YOUR consequences.
If you feel the situation is very dangerous, you can always call your local Area Agency on Aging with a report of need. The report can be made anonymously.
Make sure the family is really listening to the reasons why they don't want help?
Explain or have someone explain the options they have and what the outcome will be if they do not do something now. (one may end up in the nursing home or hospital and the other one at home) Then if that does not help back off they are adults and need to be treated with respect.
If they are in chronic pain, they are irritable to start with, I imagine. I think your stance as you presented it is very wise. I will tell you a scenario that worked for me in case you can try it later, but it had to do with helpful chores that I was willing to do myself.
My mother's "significant other" beau needed but refused help...I would sometimes force the issue if it was something like cleaning up outside, where his own adult children just always backed off. He lived in a retirement community, so he coudln't just ask or pay some local teens to do this kind of work. In his case it was pride that made him refuse, but I found if I went ahead, he accepted the help gladly. (He put up a grouchy, tough front.) I made sure HE directed what was done...I was just the "worker", so he felt he had control. This won't work with every one but may work with some. But I agree with the others, a "cooling off" period is necessary for everyone in your case...just maybe let your grandparents know that you will provide help if they direct what they want done. They may come around, but if not, it seems you have done what you can. They just want some peace.