Hi everyone,
I have been reading on here for some time and see so many stories with similarities to mine but here it goes. I could really use some help sorting out what to do.
Now that I understand depression a little better, I’ve come to the realization that my mother (now 77) has been suffering from depression (perhaps manic depression) for most of my life. She would never even think about mentioning anything like that to a doctor for fear of being “locked up.” My Dad and I just learned to live with it and her mood swings. I live quite far as an adult - couple hour plane ride. My Dad has had to bear the brunt of her mental illness alone all these years, even worse that almost all of the hatred coming out of her has been directed at him. But he stays by her side anyway...
A couple years ago, she got shingles and started to act quite off - paranoia, hallucinations, hearing voices. Over time, that passed and she went back to normal (still depressed). Then last summer, it was incredibly hot and they don’t have air conditioning so she got dehydrated and stopped eating and drinking water. In connection with this, she started hearing voices telling her terrible things about my Dad - stealing, plotting to kill her, affairs, many other conspiracies. The voices also told her my wife and MIL had attacked me and one of my sons and beat us to a pulp. Horrifying stuff to hear over the phone for me. My Dad has always sheltered me from the trouble but this time asked me to come help. Long story short, we called an ambulance and had her treated for dehydration. While there, we got a full psych eval and dementia testing. The psychiatrist recommend something for the paranoia but she thought we were trying to kill her and refused to take it. Since coming home from the hospital, she now refuses to take any meds (worst ailment being high blood pressure) and won’t even see a doctor. She eats minimally - bread and milk. She cries all the time and finds no joy in any part of life, including young grandchildren that she once cherished. Her life is all misery right now and her goal in life seems to be to ruin my Dad’s life as much as she can. Yet he’s a loyal, good man and sticks by her (mostly to spare my own family the misery of taking care of her). There’s more of course but this is it in a nutshell.
As much as I want to help her, I want to save my Dad from this jail more than anything. I don’t know how.
Are there psychiatrists that will come to our house? Can I force one on her? Even if I find some way to get her into the hospital, we will likely get released and she won’t take any meds again so it will be a vicious cycle. She’s showing some signs of dementia but can gather herself with adrenaline to get through any verbal tests. I just don’t think she’s at the point where I can force anything on her. And unfortunately, no POAs in place. Getting her to do it now (or to even leave the house) seems impossible.
I’ll stop here. Any ideas are welcome. And thank you so much to this community. I see how you have supported others and now need you too.
Is it possible to have her committed to a psychiatric hospital because she has become a danger to herself and your dad?
Where I live a spouse can initiate a committal. I know she is fearful of that, that tells me she knows her behavior is wrong. Bi-polar is so tragic and most people I know don't want to treat it because they like the manic times more then they hate the depression times.
Do some research on psychiatric hospitals in their area and call to find out how to get her committed. You may need to go be with your dad as it could be traumatic if she fights the police or whomever takes her to get treatment. Sometimes people change their minds about their loved ones because of the battle to force them to go. It is scary and chaotic, keeping your eyes on the end goal is pretty hard at that time.
I know this sounds harsh, but she really does need drastic intervention. She is having delusions that could turn her violent and end tragically for your dad.
As her spouse he is automatically her POA when she can't make decisions for herself and she is there.
As hard as it will be for everyone, this really is the necessary steps to get her help.
While she is in the hospital, find a facility that will take her. Talk to a certified elder law attorney, you can find one at www.nelf.org, and find out how to ensure that dad is still able to survive financially and how to get complete control over your mom.
Your dad is a pretty amazing man for loving her through this. It is time that he gets some peace instead of daily escalation.
Hugs for all you do and have done for your parents.
If dr has given you something that is supposed to help with the paranoia, is there a way to give it with other meds and perhaps she won't notice? Worth a tray for a while just to see if it offers relief.
That’s one of the biggest reason those with mental illness aren’t helped. It’s hard to force someone to take medication to begin with or continue after they start to feel better so the illness continues .
If there is a brain health department in a hospital system near them , they could do a better job of evaluation for dementia that a PCP or hospitalist. My mom was great at hiding her dementia until I took her into a neurologist who kept her talking until she eventually got into one of her delusional states, then we were off and running lol. With my mother, the madder she gets the more she loses control , the more she shows her true mental incapacity. But that takes time, a couple of questions won’t do it. I would think from your mother’s reaction to physical stress/ illness , she sure sounds like my mother’s dementia ( my mother saw horses and boats floating in the air outside her hospital room after she broke her hip) .
I hope you can get it straighten out. Mental illness is devastating for all involved, add dementia to the mix and it’s like living a nightmare.
Just a side thought, most mental facilities are NOTHING like you see in the movies. A lot of mental health programs use IOP programs where you aren’t committed, you daily go for intensive outpatient therapy with group support for 6-8 weeks , get meds balanced etc. BUT you have to be willing to get help. It doesn’t really seem like that’s her situation.
But even though a mental health facility may have locked outer doors but it’s like a rehab facility, public rooms, cheery atmosphere, support groups not straight jackets and locked up screaming people. They can hopefully make her get on medication that would help her. Don’t be afraid of her going to one, it’s not he** , it’s help.
My heart breaks for you and your dad because so much of your situation and the life you have had is relatable to mine. My advice may be considered a little -or a lot unethical-, but extreme situations call for extreme actions. There are some natural medicines that are safe to take, such as hemp oil which is meant to calm anxiety. I haven’t tried it myself but have heard so much about it, very good things. I bought a bottle for my mom and she actually tried a little-too little to see any changes- because she was afraid.
But for some people it has been a life saver. There are many other natural remedies that you could even give to her without her noticing (this is the potentially unethical part, but as a daughter that is desperate to help, I really don’t care about ethics as long as I’m responsible and careful) she may take a good calming tea, plus like I said all natural meds in the right amounts are really harmless, yet should be consulted with a doctor ahead of time.
What I am thinking is that you could go see a doctor yourself and tell the doctor all your mom’s symptoms, bring with you all support as far as her physical state and mental state as well, all you have, and see what the doctor says. I did that, I went to see a doctor without my mom, the doctor even gave me medication that I could give to her, yet she never wanted to take it, but I think talking to a doctor will help you a great deal; a psychiatrist of course, as they will be able to understand a lot about the situation. During your visit also mention the natural meds possibility, the point is to try to get her calmed enough to hopefully reason a little with her and get her to see a doctor. The paranoia and deep depression are your worst enemies right now, so if you can get those under control a little, temporarily, just enough to get her to allow you to do anything, something, that is a key step. And I think once you talk to the doctor he or she could be willing to go see her, or at least give you helpful ideas.
People don’t understand me at all when I have to talk to my mom about something she should do and I wait, and wait, and wait sometimes weeks! so I can get her in a “good” day, meaning a day when her mood is a half inch above drowning line, so she doesn’t shut the idea down before I finish saying it. So you could also try to wait until she has a non so terrible day and talk to her. I think it is necessary for you if at all able to take some time to go be with them so you can really assess the current situation.
As far as your dad, could you possibly take him out of the situation temporarily? He needs a break badly, even if he doesn’t recognize it. He will likely tell you no, if he is anything like my dad was, but you still should try to give him a break, even if the break means him not leaving the house but you or someone else coming and interacting with her instead of him. Is he able to drive or go places on his own, even if to the supermarket? Or to seat somewhere to read the paper? Talk to him, from your heart. Look at him in the eye and ask him to please accept the break, to do it for you.
it is time for their unhealthy routine to be stopped for both of their sakes. I know too well that you cannot force anyone to do anything but you can and should try your best, being creative and inventive, and patient.
Hope you manage to help them, for them and for you because I know very well that as their child this is very important for you. May God bless you and give you the strength you need for all you have ahead!
I have tried CBD candy. I have no idea if she eats it. I’ve just left it for her when I visit. My Dad says after I visit, she has a few peaceful days and so it may be the candy but who knows?
Do not depend on your doctor to tell you about issues caused by meds - you tell them about a problem and they add a med and usually without regard to issues it may create. Do you own research. With info in hand, discuss with your family doctor first. Do not just let him add another med.
While some of the meds may have helped with certain pain issues my mother has with severe osteoarthritis, the side effects were not worth it.
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