Grief experience for someone you did not have a good relationship with. Has anyone experienced this before?

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Grief experience for someone you did not have a good relationship with. Has anyone experienced this before?

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My mother finally passed about 4 days ago.

It was quite a relief that she finally passed. It is awful to see anyone suffering in that way towards the end. Most of the time she was drugged up and probably not suffering. But occasionally it was the breathing problems she would experience.

I was relieved that she passed finally after having such a low quality of life for a long time.

I was not sure how my grief experience would be. Surprisingly, I have shed a few tears in a spontaneous uncontrolled way which I never expected. I'm not sure if I am grieving at her loss, or the loss of a parent I should have had or just at the general sadness of the situation.

I spoke briefly at the funeral. I shed a lot of tears trying to prepare what I was going to say but managed to hold it together when I spoke. I think it was all the trial runs I did in private that neutralised the emotion of it.

It is a strange kind of grief. I don't feel like I have lost anything as such. Nothing in a practical sense. My mother was never a source of support in my life. So, there was already a void there, There was not really much of a relationship there as such. I do think, what have I really lost? There hasn't been anything there for me for the last 30 years. For a very long time prior to the dementia. For the vast majority if my life. So, its somewhat of a nothing. But still, I think I am experiencing some kind of grief. Maybe its just the bringing up of negative past memories in my mind,. Or it might just be the loss of a parent brings up grief even if there was no relationship there.

I do think though that I will probably have gotten over the grief within a few days. And more or less have forgotten about it. Nothing has really changed in my life in practical terms.

Has anyone else experienced grief of someone you had a bad relationship with? A parent in particular? How was it for you?

Alzheimer's & Dementia End of Life Grief Relationships

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I think your grief is more the loss of something you never had. Its final, you now will never be able to get that love you had hoped might come about. Your Mom lost out in this relationship too. Think, she never knew how it was to have a relationship withba daughter. Its sad.

Sorry for your loss.

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“Thinking of you and wishing you moments of peace and comfort.”

Yes, I have experienced the exact same thing. I mourned the loss of my mama while she was still alive. Her mind had been "gone" for sooo long. I learned early-on during caregiving for her that I was "grieving the loss of the mother I never had." There is a lot more, but I'll stop here.

I wish you well.

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Thanks for your thoughts. Yes, it was a double grieving experience. I had a process of grieving when her mind turned completely to custard about 2 years ago. That was actually worse TBH.

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I am so sorry for your loss. May you find peace with what was and that the hope for change is now, really over.

I felt very sad that my dad died. I mourned that there would never be a chance for the relationship to be healthy. All hope was gone, because with breath there is hope for change and that was what I feel like I lost when he died.

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I had always said that if I were to cry when my parents died, it would be for what never was, and never would be. Both have been dead for years now, and I honestly don't remember shedding a tear for either, nor did I grieve for them.
I am not a hateful person, but actually quite the opposite, but after enduring years of sexual abuse by my father, and my mother doing nothing to protect me, I, after forgiving them many years later, found myself with no feelings towards them what so ever. So when they died, it was almost like they were strangers to me, which made it easier for me.
I am sorry for your loss, and however you choose to deal with it, is up to you. Just don't be in denial.

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Sorry to hear about your situation with your parents.

That is quite similar for me. It feels a bit more than a stranger for me. But more like a distant acquaintance, who I have never forgiven for the past.

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My deepest sympathies and condolences. I am so sorry for your loss.

There is no right way or wrong way to grieve the loss of a parent. We all have to honor how we feel and think in the moment.

I never had the closest relationship with my father. I tried to do what I could to make him comfortable and happy but it never seemed to be enough. I never got the words I wanted from him. His passing knocked me down and I was the rawest I've ever been in my life. It's been almost 5 years and there are still days I wish things could have been different. Knowing I didn't fix things before his passing is very hard.

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I think funkygrandma and Joanne have expressed my thoughts. All relationships are unique. Merely being a daughter didn't really define your relationship with your mom. In the Grief Recovery Handbook, James and Friedman write “There are no absolutes in grief. There are no reactions so universal that all … people will experience them.” A person's reaction to a death is largely a function of their relationship. There's a lot that goes into being a parent, and apparently, your mother didn't have the parental skills to help you grow and prosper. So the occasional tear you shed is most likely because of what could have been, or more exact, what should have been.

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I had much the same sort of confusion when my ex died a couple of years ago. I no longer had much love for him, but his death took away a lot of my own past, regrets for what didn’t happen, and a sad situation for our mutual daughters. Things peak, and then they do fade away. Hang in there!

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Not me personally, but a friend of mine has. Her father died, and they didn’t have a good relationship. A lot of pain. She at first said that she thought she’d just take a few days off work, and then she’d be fine. I recommended her to take longer, because death is final. There are no more memories, no more photos, no more chances to clear our conscious, or to right past wrongs. Eventually there will be closure, but it might not be a smooth road.

Give yourself lots of time to process.

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I never had a good relationship with my mother. I was the "after thought" daughter. Both sisters were mom' s girls; i was always a daddy's girl.
Fate, being a fickle b*,tch, left it to me to care for my mom after she had a stroke. No help from either sister.
I took care of her, not out of love, but because of responsibility. I cried a couple of times after she died, but in all honesty, mostly from relief, thinking now I have my life back.
Strangely, I have occasional nightmares, where mom and my sisters are doing something and they won't let me join in. Or they abandon me in a scary place.

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maple, you did the right thing just having compassion, it’s a huge credit to you! I guess we all have a personal archetype of fear in our subconscious. Hopefully you just wake up and say, Phew, not my reality in any way.

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I have pre-grieved my loss of my mother and she is still here, age 92.

SO MANY bad memories and trauma with her--I cried enough as a child/teen/young adult that I don't think I have any tears left. I will have to speak at her funeral, if she ever passes, and I bet I don't shed a single tear.

If that sounds cold, well, maybe I am. Mostly I am so tired of the drama and infighting she's created and the favoritism she's shown the other sibs over me--and the neglect of working on a relationship with me.

I think I always thought I had forever to figure out how to treat her--but she's getting more dotty as the days pass and the little I see her--it's not pleasant and 'fun' it's sheer duty.

I went through cancer and she never once called me, nor sent a card, nor inquired of my sibs if I was OK. (I wasn't, nobody is during chemo!) and it would have been nice to get a card once in 16 months. That kind of cemented my belief that she didn't care much for me.

LOTS of therapy has passed by and I have come to understand that you cannot MAKE someone love you, or even care about you.

You've had a loss, to be sure. But most of the loss occurred before mom died. THAT I regret, as time passes. Mom is too 'out of it' to really talk to anymore and I have no desire to try to connect with her.

I don't have the desire or energy to try to figure her out. Too much pain has passed and I am tired.

Of course there are societal expectations of how we should feel/act. Don't let those get to you--grief is very personal. And everyone shows it in different ways.

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I, too, did not have a good relationship with my mother who died this past December. I don't believe I have grieved her passing so much as her passing has allowed for a lot of reflecting and finally making peace. We all process the loss of a significant person differently. It's been only 4 days for you. It's OK to feel a range of feelings, have a range of thoughts, say what needs to be said (even if it's alone in the privacy of your own personal, safe space) and process these the way you need to in order to move forward in a positive way. It may take some time. My best to you.

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I didn't have a very Happy childhood. When my dad was ill with Cancer I hated seeing him in such a bad way and shed some tears then. But when he died I felt relief rather than grief and there were no tears shed at his funeral. I envy people that are so close to their parents but I couldn't pretend I was sad when I wasn't.

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Yes this happened to me. My mother had a personality disorder ( which I only came to understand over the last 5 years of her life) she died when she was 91. She was emotionally and psychologically abusive to me my whole life and although I was provided for materially she was a manipulative, bitter and poisonous woman. We had one last confrontation ( she was physically frail but mentally strong) and I bit back and drew some boundaries. She told me to get out of her house which I did. We had no further contact. Five months later a got a call to say she was dying in hospital. I never went to see her, I arranged her funeral but didn’t go. I had a bit of sadness but it was for the relationship I had never had with a loving mother not for her passing.
I don’t regret never seeing her again. I was relieved when she died and I don’t miss her. You can’t miss what you never had. You feel how you feel. We all have different relationships with our mothers.

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Can I ask how you were able to figure out her disorder? I’m going though this with my mother and trying to figure it out is very frustrating when the dr sees her for about 15-20 min and I am dealing with her all the time. They aren’t seeing everything.

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I had a complicated and distant relationship with my mother. We never really connected, in part because of her alcoholism, my brief struggles with alcohol, and the distance I have had to maintain to protect my sobriety since I was 19. When she died I took comfort in the thought that, at last, now perhaps she understands me.

Four days ago is not long. I woukd expect some conflicted and complicated feelings to surface in the coming months. Best to sit with them and allow them to resolve with time.

I don't know how or if you conceive of an afterlife or eternal life but one aspect of that for me is the possibility of being freed from my character flaws, blind spots, and earthly limitations and coming to a place of greater understanding. I find a great deal of comfort in that.

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I totally sympathise with you although my mother has not passed away yet I think I would be the same as my mum is a lot of work and had never been there for me so I would feel exactly the same so don’t beat yourself up about it just remember her before she had the illness and don’t feel guilty we all have different ways of dealing with grief so you are not alone take care

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It's probably the loss of the dream of what you should have had. It's called disenfranchised grief because society in general doesn't recognize the loss of not having a caring mother. I'm just did a quick google search of loss of hopes and dreams. Some of the sites looked helpful. Maybe you'll find something that speaks to you. Wishing you peace.

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Thanks for posting this. I had no idea there was a name for this kind of grief. I will look it up, because this has been my experience and I don't know quite how to handle it.

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4 days isn't much. My relationship with my parents is (was) fine, but I still haven't grieved my dad's death September 2020 from COVID. I *think* it's because I'm so stressed trying to sort out my mom's finances and a job only made tougher by COVID. But I'm beginning to wonder. I interviewed a woman recently (I'm a journo) following up on stories I did 35 years ago when her brother was murdered. She advised setting a day aside to go somewhere quiet and reflect/grieve. IDK that would be helpful for you. I really like the idea. It's finding a day...when I'm not flat-out.

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I think what you are experiencing is normal.
Death is sad no matter who died.

Your sadness is just due to the fact there was really nothing of a relationship before and that you probably feel sad that it was like that and now you have to accept there will never be one

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I think you are correct. I know it will be the same for me when my mom passes.

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I have no words of wisdom, but I can relate. My mom has not passed, yet. She’s in a nursing home, but I had no real attachment to her, due to her mental illness, and hoarding behavior, that made her unable to be a loving mother. I think though, like you—I will feel some sense of grief when she dies, and I think that’s normal. Whether you had a deep, loving bond or not—she was a family member and was a part of your life in some way. We often grieve what we no longer have, even if we never really had it—if that makes any sense.

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I agree with bevthegreat. It will be the same for me when my mom passes.

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My father died a few years back. I honestly didn't grieve as I felt how could I grieve someone I didn't know. He never wanted to be in my life, stayed distant, never encouraged, always impatient, worried about what the neighbors and everyone else thought, and never failed to criticize. Though my mother is still alive, I don't want to be around her. I've never seen hatred as intense as my mother's. She doesn't have dementia, just the most negative, sour outlook you can imagine. She's a drama queen with outsiders, always seeking attention to overblown, exaggerated claims and situations. She tore me to shreds four times in the past 18 months. I'm done. Never want to see her again Don't wish her ill will the way she has with the children she never wanted. I am pro abortion...why? Because I would rather have been one than to be her long-term hit and hate target. My life has not been great cause the base from which I'm working was one of extreme dysfunction. So many women in their 80s/90s lived at a time where sex was plentiful, but use of birth control was not--and there was condoms so there was no excuse to just have kids for the sake of following what was perceived to be the "normal" path. That generation had a real downside and few want to talk about it. There are many who are evil and as they gain in frailty intensity what they never chose to be in decency and civility, I don't feel much empathy or sympathy. When she passes I doubt grief will be present for long. No family pictures, no family vacation, no "good" times...just struggle and strife. I just want peace for the remainder of my life and that doesn't include being around the likes of my mother. I do most definitely understand feeling no grief after someone passes. Actually, I have more grief over the passing of a dog as dogs mean more to me than the ugliness of many people. Sometimes we have to face the fact that someone's passing is a relief. Of course, it's interesting how the more evil one is the longer they live. Perhaps God is trying to give them every chance to turn it around. I don't know and it's not for me to know. The whole societal paradigm of "family" is in desperate need of an overhaul IMHO.

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I guess we usually say that we are sorry for someone's loss. In this case it was a lifetime sort of loss and I'm sorry you had to go through it all those years. Perhaps the tears are for your struggles as much as for feelings for her being gone now. It has nothing to do with "practical", so let the tears fall. When my grandfather died many years ago, it seemed it was the happiest few days of my mom's life. She laughed and smiled all the way through the funeral. If someone hadn't known the history, they would have thought it a strange reaction. Her father was abusive and so her emotions went straight to the relief she felt. She couldn't act sad, couldn't pretend it was a loss for her. She was finally free of the man. For Grandma, her mother, it was completely different. She cried and cried about the woman who wouldn't or couldn't save her from the abuse. I'm just saying here that we can't and shouldn't try to control our emotional responses to death, rather move through them or they will make us sick. Be well.

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Complicated grief is right. I did not shed one tear when my mother died. My grief was deep and searing when my father died. By the time she died, any love I had was burned out. Dementia played a role, but our relationship was always complicated. I think I was as difficult for her as she was for me. I was not the daughter she wished for. She had a very difficult childhood and in retrospect I can see how some of that shaped her behavior. Over time I have begun to remember good things, but I was so worn out by the time she died I could not. I am slowly reaching a place of understanding and forgiving. Your feelings are what they are. I understand that I had to distance myself to survive. Maybe you did too.

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I have been in a similar situation with my mother, who passed about 4 years ago. We never had a very good relationship, and grieving was a different kind of thing that it is for most. She too was in a rehab place and pretty drugged most of the time. It was definitely a relief to see her pass, so that she would no longer be in such terrible pain. But I wasn't feeling how I thought I should be. I was also relieved because now the stress was gone from our relationship. I know she loved me, but we could barely be in the same room together. I had many dreams of us fighting and arguing, still do on occassion. In time, I tried to remember any good things I could and focus on them. I tried to find pictures where she was smiling instead of scowling. I want to put together a photo album of her in just happy times (not necessacarly with me in the picture). I can't change the past, and doubt if I could even if I were back in it. I am slowly moving on. This is a fresh wound for you and it is going to take some time for you to wrap your head around it. Some people have personalities and traits that make them very hard to love. I loved my mother, but I did not like her. I hope this helps. Go easy on yourself, you are doing the best you can !

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With messages like yours I'm tempted to use the old joke "oh you knew my mother" or "did we have the same mother?", lol. Yes, it's a complicated thing, and the mother/daughter relationship can be fraught no matter what. Before my mom got worse with her form of Alzheimer's (making her cranky disposition even worse) I made a photo album all about her and our family to show some good about the 'we.' She loved it (but forgot about it almost immediately) and it helped me realize there was some good along the way of a difficult growing up. She was a narcissist and also a wounded human being in some ways; instead of rising above her woes she struck out at everybody with blame and criticism, emotional and psychological abuse. And she beat me every chance she got, when my dad was not around mind you. Again, I was the only one there in the end and it was kind of ironic; as she lay dying a moment came when suddenly she seemed to Really See Me, that I Was there for her. It was poignant because of course things Coulda been close all along, only they weren't; but at least we had that moment It was a moment of true Grace, and those moments are eternal. Each of us has our own path, our own destiny; just because we are 'related' does not mean any of us can abuse or destroy the other; take the very best care of yourself while you safely attend your mother's dying.

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I totally relate; my mom and I had a difficult relationship; her own sister told me 'my sister has been jealous of you from the day they brought you home' (I was adopted .) But I was the only person to look after my adoptive mom up to the end; without going into long detail I did everything for her to be sure we both had a 'clean' parting at her death. Then about 3 months after she died it hit me one day and I grieved FOR HER, for the gamut: our relationship problems and the pain it caused me, her loss of possibility of a loving relationship between us, for her life challenges. I have come to realize that it's Personality that can 'clash' but deep down personality is not all we are, and every being deserves death with dignity, to be helped out of this mortal coil as a soul in transition. It boils down to Do The Right Thing so there can be some healing for all concerned.

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I love everything about your answer. I’m sorry you had to experience that. I thought my mom and I were great friends. Our relationship started to unravel when my Dad died; then a year later, a 59 year old son she had given up for adoption found her. I am an adoptive mother; you’d think that would have brought us closer, but she (at 80) seemed to build resentment towards me. She began to pick arguments to the point that I dread being in her presence. This is not at all how I envisioned her golden years.
I’m guessing this is just the messy part of life that people refer to. I’m trying hard to learn from it. I walk around feeling a big old heartache most of the time. Your answer is helpful today.

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I'll share the stages of grief according to Dr. Kubler-Ross
Stage 1 - Denial - the feeling of numbness that this loss isn't "real"
Stage 2 - Anger - the feeling that this "loss" isn't fair or somebody is to blame
Stage 3 - Bargaining - the ineffective efforts to bring back what was "lost"
Stage 4 - Depression - the feelings of sadness and regret when realize the "loss" is permanent
Stage 5 - Acceptance - the feelings of peace that comes when OK with the "loss" and going forward with your life

In some ways, you have probably already processed all of these stages since you had the "loss of a mother" in your life since she wasn't really able to be the parent you needed. In other ways, you are experiencing fresh grief dealing with the loss of her as a person in your life.

Some have said that the depth of grief is related to the depth of the relationship. I am not sure that this is an accurate statement. I actually believe all deaths can be placed into 2 categories: "death you wish for" and "death others are comfortable with." "The death you wish for" is being alive and healthy and just dropping dead suddenly: no pain, no illness, no long debility. Family and friends hate this type of death since they are not prepared to lose you. The experience traumatic grief. "The death others are comfortable with" is protracted, lingering, slow and painful loss of ability until you take your final breath. Family and friends are more comfortable with this death since they hate to see you suffer and find death a release from that suffering. Unfortunately, this means an agonizing existence at the end of your life until you succumb. Since it appears your mom had the "long death process" you may have already grieved the loss of her awhile back and have only a few stages to reconcile.

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I can relate to so many of the responses here. I too had a mother with undiagnosed (but clear) mental issues (she would never in a million years let us take her for diagnosis or treatment, but the issues were obvious). Also had a difficult upbringing and her own mom died when she was quite young and her older sisters apparently resented being stuck taking care of her. So I know she didn't exactly have the best model as to how to be a good mom and nurture a child.

But those mental issues (which ranged from wild mood swings, to delusional thinking, to strong anxiety and paranoia, among others) made dealing with her extremely difficult, and her go-to reaction to anything was to lash out, blame, accuse, shame, demean, condescend etc. She was very controlling, critical, divisive (triangulating drama between me and my sibs), somewhat narcissistic, judgmental, and verbally, emotionally and occassionally physically abusive. She had a real hard time with appropriate boundaries and I had to work very hard to maintain any normal sense of self, self-esteem, and peace - which largely meant keeping her at bay as much as possible. And the more I tried to do that the more she tried to bust boundaries.

I know you will be utterly unsurprised that out of her 3 kids it fell to me to care for her on inhome hospice the last few months of her life. It was mentally and physically the most difficult thing I've ever done. I didn't want to be there, dealing with her needs up close and personal. I got very minimal help/relief from the sibs - one for work reasons that precluded his ability to be there more, and the other, who prioritized the needs of her church over those of my mom. And her being on hospice didn't take a whole lot of the fight out of her, either, til the very end.

Like most people here, I felt mostly a sense of relief that this difficult person was gone from my life for good and release from the overstressed life I'd been living trying to hold down a full-time job from home and caring for her and meeting her demands (she treated me like hired help, essentially). But I found I also grieved - not so much for the loss of HER, per se, but the loss of the relationship we never had and now, will never have. It's not like I didn't try with her - I did. But I also refused to let her bully and control me and thus everything was a struggle. I know she loved me in her own way but it just wasn't enough. And she made herself unlovable. Literally no one in our family was sorry to see her go. We just felt like we had to do the right thing and take care of our own - and she didn't want to go into a nursing home.

My dad was a saint, I don't know how he dealt with her as long as he did. I suspect he would have left at some point, but given how custody laws used to be, I'm sure he didn't want to risk leaving us with her alone, and having to support two households on top of that on a printer's salary (mom was always so unstable she couldn't hold down a job).

So I feel your sadness and confusion. But given the circumstances it's totally understandable and expected. Prayers to you, and peace.

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Thank you for sharing this. My experience was the same, but you said it so eloquently. Much love. Karen Kleinman on Facebook.

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Please accept my sincere sympathy for your loss, which is very great. You lost the Mom you knew, but you also lost the Mom you needed to have and did not.
Although my situation was different than yours, my Mom was just the opposite, a SmotherMother and very controlling, I feel I understand some of what you say.
When my Mom died I tried to understand the immense grief I felt.
It was mixed with a bit of relief, first because it was over, second because she was no longer suffering.
But there was more and I was able to describe it, in time, as grief over her death, grief over her life ( which had been a very painful one) and grief for my life with her. And, the life I never had with her.
The passing of your Mother, whatever the relationship was or wasn’t, is also a passage for us, to our own mortality.
It took me every bit of 2 years to grieve my Moms death. Then, the darkness lifted and I went on.
Allow yourself to feel — whatever it is you feel. If it’s grief, cry. If it’s anger, allow it. If there is any shred at all of her Mothering you, acknowledge it. A picture of her holding you as a baby, a baby shoe she kept, anything. You may not believe it but there was feeling there. Someone held, fed you, changed you. Maybe that was all she had to give.
You sound like an intelligent and caring person. That is your tribute to her.
And yes, in spite of everything, it’s ok to love her. She was your Mom.

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I can relate. My mother was an alcoholic (in fact, that is what killed her), and we never had much of a relationship. Odd, in a way, because she and her mother were extremely close. I blame myself partially, for various reasons. I did cry when she died and at her funeral. I think I was crying as much for never having had a close relationship with her as much as I was crying about her death. I had a weird dream several months after she died. She and my dad were always big partiers, and my brother and I were pretty much on our own on Friday and Saturday nights. In my dream, my parents were having a big party, and I was following my mom around trying to engage her in conversation. She just kept walking away from me, she walked outside, turned to me and shook her head. Then she laid down and pulled dirt up over herself as if it were a dirt blanket.
I still tear up a bit when I remember that dream.

Now I am looking at another situation that could be similar. If he dies before I do, I wonder how I will react at his funeral. When everyone is hugging me and giving their condolences, how do I appear to be truly sad? Will I be sad? Maybe it will be like my mom's funeral, and I will cry over what could have been and what should not have been.

Anyway, I do feel for you, and I'm sorry you had a difficult time with your mom.
I will say a prayer for you.

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Even a lot of "good" relationships have their ups and downs. Spousal relationships can be particularly complicated, so although there is shock and grief at the loss, there are sometimes a few things you are glad to be without. Virtually all relationships with other human beings include some good and some bad and it is wise to remember both parts when you are grieving.

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Grief experience for someone you did not have a good relationship with. Has anyone experienced this before?

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