My family has always let activities revolve around my stubborn, outspoken, and often unreasonable and selfish dad. Now this intelligent, yet extremely overbearing parent is very fragile both physically and mentally. I never had that big, cathartic "F-you, Dad!" kind of moment that would have been helpful when we all were younger and stronger. I feel so badly for my dad. At least there seems to be a protective mechanism that comes along with dementia...he just goes along with things and has not complained once about his "new normal". He does complain about physical ailments, but not only to me, and kind of treats me like hired, but unpaid help!
But now I am feeling guilty for feeling stressed out, exhausted, angry, and resentful about "my" new living situation. I moved my dad from his own apartment in another state into an assisted living facility 6 minutes from my house. I have been going over almost every day for the past 2 months, but there have been about 5 that I haven't gone over. Lately I've been sticking to my work schedule and doing other activities that I'd canceled in the past so I could hang out with Dad - though he doesn't really talk to me. Now he's in the hospital and I still went to work and even went to "fancy" dinner with a friend the other night. I know we're supposed to take care of ourselves, but all I hear in my head is the voices I assign to others: "She's so selfish!" "If I were her...", etc.
Anyone else feel (know?) they're doing it all wrong and not doing enough ever??
When my parents were in their mid 60's they were traveling, vacationing, enjoying life to the fullest, and never had to help their own parents.... now that I am at that age, I can't do any of those fun things because who would get their groceries, take them to the many doctor appointments, to hair cuts/salon, to the mall, etc. My life has stopped, and it's been over 5 years now since my Dad stopped driving.
I had friends who would remind me that my parents took me everywhere when I was a child..... then I remind those friends," yes my parents did that but my parents were in their 20's and 30's, not in their 60's when I was a child, big difference".
You are lucky that you were able to have your Dad go to an assisted living facility, so many elders refuse to do that. My parents are in their 90's and still living in a single family house.... there aren't any neighbors their age to chum around with.... if they were in a senior community, there would be new friends to bond with, plus such communities has transportation.
I, too, feel like I am not doing enough. And how I resent when the phone rings and Dad wants me to drive him and Mom somewhere. I am tried after work, I want to stay home.
Well now. I always think, when there is a possible sacrifice to consider, that it has to have a POINT. And what benefit would your father have gained from your sacrificing that good dinner and good company? None. So what would have been the point? Now if a nurse calls you and says it's not going so well and your father is asking for you, of course you'd make your excuses and not stay for dessert. Otherwise… dine on! x
freqflyer I found most friends don't understand and I lost one friend due to the fact that I was always strung out and miserable which makes people not want to be around you.
I've resorted to changing my phone number and having it unpublished to avoid the screaming tantrum phone calls from my mother (in a NH) which were making me ill.
What would you tell another member on here who was asking the same question? I thought so...Try your own advice....At least give limited visits a try..
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