I've asked questions multiple times in and around this situation so my apologies for apparent overlap.
However....
My mom has expressed how miserable she is in her AL facility. She has been there almost a month. Now, unfortunately the FIRST week there the facility went on quarantine/lock down due to a stomach bug. Lovely. Then, I was VERY sick for 2 weeks and only saw her 2 times during those two weeks. Then, apparently she expressed she was going to "fly the coop" and was wandering down in the lobby with her purse and keys, so they put one of those devices on her ankle to ensure they could track her. I told them I thought this was a horrible idea as she was a scaredy cat, and would NEVER bolt, but they felt they had to do it. I gave in (like I said, I was so sick...didn't put up a fight). Needless to say this REALLY depressed her. They took the device off which I'm so glad about. But she continues to say how this is an "old persons' dormitory".
When I ask if anyone is unkind she says absolutely not and that everyone is VERY good to her. I even met a couple of her friends who seem about her age and one is in fact younger. The problem is, the ones in the wheelchairs and walkers seem to outnumber them so I guess to mom this sees unacceptable.
Part of this is that she is going on the anniversary of my father's death (suicide) and she will NEVER be happy again.
Her memory is very scattered still. So like on one hand she "looks" good, but on the other she's miserable and has some very real memory lapses all the time. This is part of the reason she's there. Either didn't take her meds or took them twice. Caught her robe on fire making bacon at 3 am. Recent hospital stay with BP of 241/108...possible mini strokes, etc. etc. She was in an apt by herself as I wasn't ready to move her in with us full time.
Well, as I said I feel horrible. To look at her she does look healthy and younger. I told her maybe she can come back and live with us in a few months and she said this "lightened her heart" and she keeps bringing this up.
Oops, I probably shouldn't have said it as now I know she'll not let it go. It was just my knee jerk reaction to hating how miserable she was.
When I asked her if she shared any of her misery with her new friends she said no....that this was between her, God...and me (her daughter). That she knows she is making me miserable but can't seem to help herself.
I don't know what I'm asking except maybe guidance. I worry as a Christian that I'm not "honoring" my mother. Technically...YES. She can move in here. Would be on second floor and she'd share a bathroom with my daughter. Was thinking I'd fix up a loft area with her Kcup machine, a mini fridge and her TV so she could have her own space so to speak.
She WILL drive me batty. She has said for YEARS that she only wants to be beside me. With me. Still says it. In the morning when she was staying here she is RIGHT next to me for morning coffee. I have no space. I told her if she did move in that we'd have to talk about boundaries (like not coming in me and my husband's room unannounced). She said she'd be a "good girl".
I'm so torn. I'm a nurse, in NP school and in the middle of raising my 13 year old kiddo. It will be so very hard. But I know this life isn't promised to be easy. We are all responsible for each other on this earth. I wonder what my dad would have done. I wrote a paper a couple of years ago on filial responsibility...I always struggle with what this "looks" like.
Thank you to whoever made it to the end of this rambling. Just looking for some thoughts.
I TRULY appreciate everyone and their thoughts and comments. What a kind, thoughtful community you all are! Much love to you all.
The people are very good to her.
She has made at least two friends.
The staff have deftly managed the escape-plotting phase, and that is now done.
She is looking and doing better than before.
All this in *one* *month*.
You visit your mother regularly, you encourage and support her.
You are adjusting, too.
Your young teen is adjusting, too.
I think the best thing you could do right now is agree with yourself that you will let the "trial" continue for a further two months. Then you will write yourself a little progress report/sit. rep. and see where you are.
You struggle with what this "looks" like. Looks like to whom? Anyone with a right to an opinion? And when you wrote that paper... well, if you were to go back and do it again, would it be as a wiser and better-informed person?
You have a teenager in your home, whose safety, sanity and welfare you must also weigh and consider. Your Mom, while unhappy in her AL situation, is safe - and she is not a danger to your child. By which I mean, she won't be getting up and cooking in the middle of the night and possibly setting herself and/or the house on fire.
In my mind, that fact alone should be enough to convince you to leave her where she is. You can sleep soundly, knowing that all three generations are safe. That, to me, is the best way of honoring your Mom. Because if she were in full control of her faculties, I'd bet that's what she'd want you to do. Get your rest at night so you can fish your degree and take care of her grandchild.
God bless you, sister. And be at peace.
You have a 13 year old daughter, I am guessing mom is around 60? That is very young for assisted living. I too would consider it an old folks dormitory.
Do not invite mom to live with you. The most difficult years with daughter maturing are on top of you. Your daughter and husband must be your first priority.
So, actually some of the people are younger than mom, some older. Its just that mom "looks" good. Walks a lot (but side not she shuffled and acts much older around me sometimes...my husband says at times she looks 100). But yes to the dementia. Asked me a week ago if she had stayed at my house or her mom's house? Her mom has been gone almost 14 years. And she's been at AL, not my house.
Stage 4 kidney disease as well I may add.
She visited this facility with me and seemed to like it. But she has 100% deferred to me since dad died. I have taken my dad's role as he did EVERYTHING for her. She says it all the time...he babied her. (which she follows up with...then he abandoned me).
After he died she came with us, then went to my brothers then back to me then back to brothers then agreed to move into an apt. 5 minutes from my house. I thought it a good idea that shed be down the street, try to have some independence, and no stairs for her AWFUL knees). Well thats where she wasn't taking meds and lit her robe on fire. I thought OH NO..she needs more help. Got her life alert and started looking for AL. Which is where we are now.
She has been to a couple of counselors. She'll say on one hand she "needs a psychiatrist'" but then once she talks to someone, she says they don't tell her anything she doesn't know. Director of nursing at this facility is getting her set up with a psychologist or counselor (not sure which?) in the next week, so we are going to give it a go again.
So, hopefully that answered your questions....Actually fairly up in years. Yes on the dementia. And the counseling is up and down.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am so so sorry you went through this as well. This kind of loss is a unique kind of hell isn't it? And GREAT questions!
Ask anymore that you can think of. ;-)
There's a book entitled The 36 Hour Day that addresses the needs of a person with dementia. I hope you are able to find some answers that will help you.