My husband and I have not been intimate in 4 years. He is like 8 yrs old. Totally incontinent. There is no passion or even touch any more. He sleeps in a hospital bed. I care for him 24/7. I can't help wanting to be held in a romantic manner by someone else. Some of my family are encouraging me to see someone else away from home. Others don"t care for that idea. I'm lonely. 56 years old should the the highlight of my life. He was robbed of his mind and I was robbed of my happiness. How do I fix this problem?
Carol
One option may be to have the marriage desolved and for you to simply be his caretaker/Power of Attorney and so forth. Then you would be legally free to date and meet others also in need of affection, nurturing and love.
It may be untraditional to do something like this, but your sanity, well being and quality of life are just as important as your husband's. A compromise may be the way to go.
Best of luck,
Jenny
Questions of ethics and loyalty aside, I can't imagine when I'd have time for an affair! I barely have time to sleep, let alone have time to find someone else to sleep with. It just sounds like too much work. :)
I think Carol is right. Think through your decision carefully. You are the only one who can decide what is right in this situation.
It is tough and I am not sure how I would handle it myself, but my prayers are with you for sure. By the way....if you get a dog get one big enough to cuddle on the couch watching tv!
husband will sustain you when you dwell on that aspect, or maybe not. However you resolve your dilemma, I wish you much love and peace:) hugs, Christina
Sex is important. It is more important to some folks than to others, becoming an afterthought to many people once they reach a certain age. But not to all - and to those people it remains a very basic need in the grand scheme of things.
We are sexual beings. It is our biology and our nature and nothing to be ashamed of. And all the puppies and bible classes and meditation in the land won't substitute for a lover's touch. I notice no one mentioned masturbation . . . why not? It is a release of tension if nothing else, and not merely the purview of adolescent boys.
Meantime, if what you are looking for/missing/longing for is romantic love (and with that a sexual relationship), I agree with the poster who suggested you 'make it legal'. See a lawyer, make sure your caretaker arrangements are in order, and talk about a legal separation BEFORE you actively seek such a relationship.
You do owe a duty to your husband, and I have a great respect for marriage vows. (I've been married nearly 30 yrs), But I believe you also owe a duty to yourself to take happiness where you can find it in this life. Good luck to you. Hugs.
BUT ... a caregiver/dependent relationship is a different kettle of fish. You are never going to "resolve" the problems of that relationship. The change in the nature of the relationship is nobody's fault. I see no need to take legal steps to dissolve the relationship. The relationship is what it is. What is this compulsion to "make it legal"? I truly do not get it. I cannot imagine gathering our 5 kids together (the youngest is 40) and announcing that I'm legally separating from their father, but don't worry, I'll continue to take good care of him. Huh? I guess this would be to supposedly absolve me of guilt for having another relationship. Better, I think, to go quietly about whatever outside friendships you feel good about (with or without sex) without drawing public attention to the situation by taking legal action.
I definitely endorse masturbation, but I also understand it may not fill the caregiver's need for companionship and intimacy.
Whatever your decision, make it yours, not someone else telling you what is right.
Hugs, Christina
I have been posting here on Aging Care since December 2010, and I have made the very best friends of my entire life. I have no restrictions and do have other acquaintances, but THESE PEOPLE mean more to me than anyone. I would get more involved here with us. Very safe:) Bug Hugs, Christina
If I were in that position (dementia)- I would NOT want my spouse to give up their life for mine.
Going to get more involved with Aging Care threads and make some safe friends! Whoo Hoo!! We love encouragement and support here, no judgments!
That's what it's all about!
Best if one is having a bad day to keep the slinging arrows in the quiver, so as not to create a quiver in the chin:)
Hugs All Around, Christina
What if she were 21? What if her husband had bashed his head on their honeymoon and was kept alive in a coma for the next 50 yrs? Would a puppy and bible class be the answer?
----
I believe in marriage AND the sanctity of the vows we make. I've been married nearly 30 yrs and we've been through most everything together. But I would never want my husband to quit living HIS life were I to become unable to live mine as his best friend, companion and lover. I would WANT him to find what happiness he could.
That doesn't mean he'd kick me to the corner - it means he would adjust his life to make room for someone else that could fulfill the needs I was no longer able to..
Its all situational. We each have to make the decision that is right for us, and that gives us the most peace. Life is short - we find happiness where we can.