My husband and I have not been intimate in 4 years. He is like 8 yrs old. Totally incontinent. There is no passion or even touch any more. He sleeps in a hospital bed. I care for him 24/7. I can't help wanting to be held in a romantic manner by someone else. Some of my family are encouraging me to see someone else away from home. Others don"t care for that idea. I'm lonely. 56 years old should the the highlight of my life. He was robbed of his mind and I was robbed of my happiness. How do I fix this problem?
The way I read the thread was that Jules already wants to be romantically involved with someone other than her husband who is suffering with dementia. She has already had these thoughts/possibly already taken the action and wants help dealing with the guilt. Unfortunately even though we may nitpick and fight with each other we cannot help her deal with guilt, we can only offer advice.
I agree with KarenTaylor regarding the meaning of guilt but I would change it to say -guilt usually implies that someone is contemplating or has already done something that they feel is wrong. If you don't feel like you want or did something wrong, you don't feel guilty.
In any case since she asked for feedback here, she has certainly received it and since she is the one that has to make the decision she has plenty of advice to work with now.
I hope with all my heart you are able to find some solace and happiness Jules. Goodness knows your asking for some guidance re romance sure stirred up some passions here!
You don't kick someone when they are down, period. This discussion has evolved to not even being about YOUR problem, so you have absolutely nothing to apologize for.
Now you know who your friends are here, Jules.
Whoo Hoo!!! Love ya, Christina xoxo
ps: 'Im not gonna argue with a madman, just like I'm not gonna argue with a person with dementia. Oh, almost same thing:) Gotta go have reflexology on my poor feet now.
none of us are in ur shoes and if that is what u would like to do then so be it ,
no money , cant afford a sitter how are u going to find lovey dovey ?
i wish you well . if i was in ur shoes i rather be out runnin around with friends its more fun that way . but then again it takes money to run around .
i wish you well ,,,
Jules, there are caring people here who would love to talk to you. If you want to, please seek us out. I am so sorry for your situation.
Come home, Miz:)
Take it all with a grain of salt and make the best decisions you can. You have ONE judge and, again, it's not someone on an internet forum.
Jules, get on board with us! You won't regret it. Hugs, Kim
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But KarenTaylor, I do not possess the magical powers that you do. I do not have the power to lead anyone astray or anywhere else. I do not have the power to bestow guilt on another. I am simply a poster on an internet forum. As are you.
Pretty simple.
I will post no more on this thread; you are too tiresome.
You are a wonderful group and I hope we can get back on track. Love & Blessings~ Bobbi
Some suggested making a "legal" break with husband. If that works for you and makes YOU feel comfortable to allow yourself less guilt of finding outside intimancy. Than Okay!!
Don't let others make you feel that your committing Adultery. DO WHAT YOU KNOW YOUR HUSBAND WOULD WANT!!!!! I guess I am liberal on the subject being that I am only 32yrs old. Taking care of my mom 24/7 has opened my eyes ahead to the future with my husband and I! So, my hubby and I did have the "talk" about if one of us is become terminal. We both now know what each others wishes is in that circumstance. I think every marriage needs to have that sort of talk so when the time comes we know what our other partners wishes are. And we will have no sense of guilt.
There to me is no right or wrong answer. You will have to find the answer for yourself. Only you can make that call. Only you know what you need. Maybe finding outside companionship will help with you taking care of your husband. Giving you less stress and making you more "present" for him when he needs you the most.
My mother used to talk of a man and woman in the church who found companionship with each other due to there spouses suffering same illness. That bond helped them in a way that no one would understand filling that void. When both sick spouses passed they eventually they got married. NO ONE IN THE CHURCH TOLD THEM THEY WAS WRONG!
Make a list of things that you consider intimate to you. Most people see that word and think of sex. But that word is more than that. Find someone or something that makes you feel important and loved in the ways you need. That will help you decide where you stand.
You will find an answer that is best for your situation!
Good Luck!
Jules, never said that she was planning to "whore" herself out. SEX, SEX, SEX is obviously all that you are thinking about. Maybe thats saying alot about you that you need it (sex)more than the rest of us. When did she say she needed a good F***king. She just wants to feel alive, when her life is in stress right now.
If you didn't like the womans question then why post. We all and including yourself answer for what we do in life. Whether its right or wrong.
And so what if a husband and wife decides ahead of time what each others wishes is when it comes to take care of a spouse who is ill.
I have read 30 of the comments so far, it's hard to read them all because only 5 show at a time. I don't know if you know, there is a support group for husbands, wives or partners of people with any chronic illness and/or disability -- Well Spouse Association, wellspouse organizational website .
I note that while many have urged you to get out and do things with your girl friends, and it's easy to do, but still may not be that satisfying. The problem is, unless one of your friends is also a spousal caregiver or is very good at being empathetic, you quickly learn that they inhabit a different universe than you.
I was a spousal caregiver for 29 years, and felt very alone in it, and in the end, I felt most at home with a few of my WSA friends, who had "been there, done that' and so really understood how I felt.
That would include the guilt you speak of. All spousal caregivers have thoughts about the loss of intimacy in their marriage/relationship. And handle it differently... there is no one way. The main thing is that it is normal to have the feelings you describe, and once you know that, whether you act upon them or not, if you know that you are not the only one having them, this lessens the guilt you feel over the way you feel.