My husband and I have not been intimate in 4 years. He is like 8 yrs old. Totally incontinent. There is no passion or even touch any more. He sleeps in a hospital bed. I care for him 24/7. I can't help wanting to be held in a romantic manner by someone else. Some of my family are encouraging me to see someone else away from home. Others don"t care for that idea. I'm lonely. 56 years old should the the highlight of my life. He was robbed of his mind and I was robbed of my happiness. How do I fix this problem?
I hope with all my heart you are able to find some solace and happiness Jules. Goodness knows your asking for some guidance re romance sure stirred up some passions here!
The way I read the thread was that Jules already wants to be romantically involved with someone other than her husband who is suffering with dementia. She has already had these thoughts/possibly already taken the action and wants help dealing with the guilt. Unfortunately even though we may nitpick and fight with each other we cannot help her deal with guilt, we can only offer advice.
I agree with KarenTaylor regarding the meaning of guilt but I would change it to say -guilt usually implies that someone is contemplating or has already done something that they feel is wrong. If you don't feel like you want or did something wrong, you don't feel guilty.
In any case since she asked for feedback here, she has certainly received it and since she is the one that has to make the decision she has plenty of advice to work with now.
Jules, baby, it's going to be ok... and I mean it.
Take what you need and drop the rest. and thanks for that hug a day or so ago. You are a sweetheart and you are in an untenable position. Anyone who tells you differently hasn't walked it all the way to the end.
Get help, get out now and again and get healthy. There's a bunch of us cheering for you. You'll do what you think is right no matter what any of us say and that's pretty much the end of it. We love you sister.
lovbob
woof woof!
You need to start your own thread on the Dogma Channel.
Woof.
Jules, I feel for you big time and I just read this entire thread. Wow.
Sorry you had to hear some of this and I know that I am going to get smacked for this but hey....
find a nice man and become friends and when the time is right hit the hay with him and lay there after and be held. The tears will stream down your cheeks and you will know that you did the right thing even in the face of all of this judgement.
Life is for the living and in one of my favorite movies there's a line:
Get busy livin or get busy dyin.
Shawshank Redemption.
If I was the one drooling and crapping my diapers I could only pray that the one taking care of me was being taken care of herself.
lovbob
I don't know what you are looking for, but modern societies are no longer homogeneous even in the definitions of morality.
Girls, I think Jules is doing great and I have a feeling that she has gotten helpful, positive feedback. She is a great lady with a special set of circumstances--just like each of us.
I feel badly, however, for those who are over the edge with stress that they come across hateful and desperate. Those whom we would shun are the ones that need us the most. We can offer help, but if it is rejected, we need to move on. Skirting the issue or ignoring the person is not helpful.
I would just like to say to karentaylor, I am sorry for your angst, and I wish you peace in your life. Many people here venting to save their lives, and I hope you are finally able to to that very soon. Please take care and be kind to yourself.
That said, I am not advocating a complete abandonment of the confused spouse with nary any foresight or compassion. Sometimes it becomes impossible to continue in the same path when it becomes a path of self-destruction. A sane person tries to find healthy alternatives and sometimes that means a radical change.