I'm a 38-year old single guy spending my annual leave of 1 month with my parents in my hometown, where I am doing all the cooking, washing, and taking care of mother in the bathroom..
The rest of the year they stay with my middle brother, and I visit them on weekends to help around. Father is 76 and sane, while mother 73 has dementia.
While with mom, I am patient enough, this is not always so with father. I should add that my relationship with him hasn't often been affectionate enough, though we have both become more accepting of each other over the last 15 years ..
Today I pointed out to father in a fairly inappropriate tone that he shouldn't keep leaving his clothes in the living room, but put them away.. He didn't react strongly to my statement. My oldest brother was present, and may have found my utterance out of place, even though he didn't say anything.
He is rather indifferent to our parents' needs, not helping much around the house, either. However, my father is closer to him now than my middle brother and me who shoulder the real caregiving burden.
As a caregiver, I feel the bad guy twice, due to my oldest brother's presence. Am I right to feel so?
Thanks.
First of all please realize your feelings are neither right or wrong - they just happen to be how you feel and those feelings belong to you and you only.
I know when I first started taking care of my mom when she was diagnosed at the age of 89 with Alzheimer's, I had a really hard time with being impatient with her, angry with her diagnosis and resentful because there were no other family members to help me as I'm an only child. So I lost my cool frequently when I first moved her into an AL facility and I have a lot of guilt and regret to this day. I'm so much better and more patient and calm with her now.
It's not uncommon to find that a parent is closer to the one who isn't doing the majority of the caregiving probably because it's closer to the normal "dad being the parent" and your "brother being the son" role that he is accustomed to. While the ones left being the caregivers are now seen as more the parent, while dad might feel more like a child. Also, I'm sensing a little bit of jealousy from you towards your dad/older brother's closeness which is normal too that's why they call it sibling rivalry! I didn't have the best relationship with my dad growing up but like you in his later years it had improved and that's what I tried to remember right up until he passed away in 2004.
In families where there are siblings, there's nearly always someone who is the "main" caregiver(s). I think it's the exception to the rule when each family member does equal portions in the caregiving arena.
I give you credit for doing as much as you do when you have your annual, one-month leave and when you go to your middle brother's place on weekends. Try to not be too hard on yourself especially if this role for you is fairly new. Try not to look back and instead ask yourself what you can do from this point forward that will help you with the way and manner you respond to issues. There will always be frustrations along the way - just do your best as they arise.
Good luck to you!
My DH is 73. He did for himself before we were married and still does after 40 yrs of marriage. I have worked on and off raising 2 daughters together. I had a mother who waited on my Dad hand and foot. I swore this was not going to be my life. And really, its not fair to the husband or those who may have to care for him when the wife dies before him. By the way, this goes both ways. So, my husband washes his own clothes, runs the vacuum, makes beds, can make himself something to eat, ect. So, your Dad should do for himself. He is not too old to teach.
That's the question I always ask MYSELF, which is why I'm posing it to you. I am an only child, so I have no siblings to share the burden of my 93 y/o mother with. I have a few cousins who are very judgmental, however, which leads me to question MYSELF. Am I doing enough? Am I kind enough? How are THEY viewing MY handling of the care giving I'm doing for my mother (off site, she lives in a Memory Care ALF).
Do you know what I'm saying? Do the best that YOU can, and the heck with what your brother thinks or feels about how you're acting. Nobody's perfect. Nobody has the patience of Job, including your brother. With my cousins, they are armchair critics, able to cluck their tongues at me from 3000 miles away, a few of them, or from 30 miles away but who never come round to help.
Stop feeling bad and press on, my friend. Care giving the elderly is a thankless job, for the most part, so don't add to the stress you're already feeling by expecting perfection of yourself. Just b/c your brother shoulders most of the burden doesn't mean YOUR month of service is meaningless; it isn't.
Very well said and I hope you don't mind me getting a LOL moment at the "cluck their tongues at me from 3,000 miles away" from the armchair critics!
It's understandable to get short. In retrospect, I think I get annoyed too easily over small things sometimes. If you want, you might tell your dad that you were short and you're sorry. Sometimes, that goes a long way to clear the air and help things get back on the right foot. You may be feeling a little resentful and that's understandable. It's like their care, is your life. I think most people would feel that way.
I applaud you for taking on a good portion of the caregiving to help your one brother! So many siblings let the responsibility fall onto just one person's shoulder; clearly you have taken it upon yourself to not let your brother shoulder that burden by himself, and that's really wonderful.
Your oldest brother might have just been surprised at your losing your temper so to speak...if he's not often around, this might have been the first time he's seen the stress affect you.