My father is in his early 70s. After a hospitalization a few years ago that his doctor says his body has fully recovered from, my father is still extremely frail (cannot walk or shower without assistance). He rarely leaves the house and his inability to walk is largely because he is not using his body, so his muscles are atrophying. He is very angry and is mistreating my mother (which he has been doing for years, as a former alcoholic and prone to angry outbursts even when well, but now it is worse). He is the most pessimistic person I have ever met, again even when healthy.
He seems to be giving up on getting better (and he's not even sick! he's just frail). We all want to support him, but it is hard to know how to do so. I think he is dealing with anxiety and depression, but he believes any mental health issues he might have should be resolved through effort and not medication. So instead, he sits around all day, watching the news and staying angry. My mom does everything for him and is exhausted.
I do not live nearby and have small children and a immobile job, so I cannot move nearby to help out. I feel like we need to stop tiptoeing around him and push him harder about what's going on, but I worry that he would retaliate by being abusive towards my mom (and although he couldn't do anything physically at this point, his words are painful). This is all new to us, so any advice would be appreciated.
I have a question. Did he or does he smoke? (Most drinkers are/were smokers.) My reason for asking that is that he may have undiagnosed COPD. That'll surely keep someone on the couch watching TV. (A diagnosis and inhaler could change his life.)
Frankly, I'd be MUCH more concerned about mom than dad. As you briefly describe her life with your dad, seems to me that SHE'S the one who's suffering most.
Several years ago, my husband had an aortic aneurysm and had to have very serious open heart surgery, during which they replaced his aorta and a leaky valve. He was placed on antidepressants immediately after as part of the protocol at that medical center and continues on them to this day.
A few months later, he was having trouble taking deep breaths, which affected his ability to play paddleball. Our PCP sent him to a pulmonologist who dismissed the problem after looking at the xrays, telling him "Your're luck to be alive, stop complaining that you can't play ball any more". We found another pulmonologist who did all sorts of breathing tests and discovered that he had a damaged nerve ( a common side effect from this surgery). He went for several weeks of PT for his chest and they were able to restore his breathing capacity to very close to what it had been prior. A second opinion is well worth the time and effort.
I tried it with my parents and finally realized I was only making myself frustrated. So I backed off. So offer suggestions (like others have suggested getting mom away for a break) and if she's not interested and dad doesn't want any outside help, you just have to let them live their lives as they wish - even if it's unhealthy and frustrating for you. At that point, YOU can find a counselor to help you cope with their dysfunction by setting boundaries on how much you get pulled in to their situation. Good luck - it's not easy to watch your parents living in a way that is unhappy and unhealthy for them both.
I think my sibling and I need to try some "tough love". We tend to walk on eggshells around my dad because we don't like to see him get angry and we worry about him taking it out on my mom. But he's already angry and hard to live with.
Are there any good books or places to look into for ways to approach someone like this? And do you have any recommendations for finding counselors (both for my parents and for me)?
Has she ever considered leaving? Why is she putting up with this abuse? Is this a long standing dance that they've done for many years? Are you getting drawn into it?
You can't change their marriage. You CAN encourage your mom to see a psychiatrist to get evaluated for depression and possibly medication and to see a therapist, who can probably help her see other solutions to this situation.
As for your Mom, if she is exhausted now, it's not going to get any better.... there would be a good chance that your Dad would outlive her. She has to try to step back and if your Dad needs something, he will have to get out of his chair and get it himself. I know it won't be easy for your Mom. Any chance she could "vacation" at your home, even if it means sleeping on a sofa for a week or so, leaving Dad at home? That might be a walk-up call for him.
Studies have shown that 40% of caregivers die leaving behind their love one. Not good odds. Think about it.
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