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Who still live independently about 2 hours away from me. There are times I feel they should see their doctor about something but they refuse. My children think I can make them go and make me feel bad for letting them decide if they should go to the dr. or not.

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We found that mom would complain about aches and pains, not to see the doctor, but to get us to come to her house. It becomes challenging, but the key is, if you get there and they are all smiles, you've been had. Mom called at 6AM and said she was in agony, come right over. Instead we called the police department in her city. You need to have the landline number for 911, talk to the dispatcher, and they will respond. She did this in May, June and July. She got bills for co-pays totaling $500 each trip. She tried to hide the bills, but my husband took her checkbook and paid them. Her sense of frugality overtook her need for drama and she stopped calling. Instead, she complains to her friends "My kids tell me to call 911!" She does see her doctor every month, and amazingly, she is perfectly fine when she is with him.
The bottom line is, if they are "in agony" you can't fix that, but the ER can.
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Unless you are your parents medical and financial POA, then you don't have the legal right to force them to see the doctor. Explain that to your adult children. At the same time, I would listen to my adult children's concerns. Our elderly parents do need to see the doctor on at least a routine basis every 3-4 months. Also, if something doesn't seem quite right, they may need to go see the doctor whether they want to or not. In my case, activating my parents POA's roared into my life when my mother was diagnosed with dementia and a short time later my dad was diagnosed with cancer and needed surgery and it's a big responsibility. I'm certain for you that as time marches on, there will come a time when you have to activate your parents POA's - if you are their POA. Then and only then, it is right and proper for you to take over your parents medical care. In the meantime, do what is called watchful waiting. You will know when the time is right to step in. I would step in if:

I suspected a parent had dementia
Someone was having chest pains
Someone was staying in bed for no clear reason
Someone broke a bone
Someone reported blood in stool
Someone was short of breath
Someone fainted or had a seizure
Someone reported having a severe headache
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Maybe those children should have a talk with the grands about how worried they are about them. Grandma, I really hope that you've been to your doc to ask about that pain in your hip, sort of thing. In my experience, there is sometimes an almost magical connection between grandparents and grandchildren. I eould capitalize on it and also use the opportunity to start a conversation with your children about caring in the future when you are older. You have a golden opening here, don't pass it up!
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OK, let the kids have a crack at getting Gramma and Grampa to go see the doctor. Wish them luck. Unless, of course, you don't want to disrupt their fantasy that if only you tried harder you could fix everything because you don't think they are quite ready to learn that not all things can be fixed. :-)
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Give your parents the phone numbers of your kids in case your parents should need anything.

I'm only half serious.

People have no clue what goes on when they're on the outside looking in. When my mom was in bed, dying, my aunt would screech on the phone to me, "Take her to the Dr.!! Make her get up!!!" How exactly? Physically drag someone from their bed? Physically drag someone from their home and push them into the Dr.'s office? You know that's not possible and I know that's not possible.

I think it's kinda sweet that your kids are so concerned about their grandparents but since these are adult children tell them to back off unless they want to participate in the caregiving on a regular basis in which case they will earn a say in what goes on.
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A written plan of action that all participate in creating might enlighten them to the reality. A hired care manager is also helpful and can help in writing the plan, and can be on part-time/consultant basis. Sometimes the parents will react more positively to an outside person. And sometimes you just have to tune out the noise and do what you feel best for your parents.
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Maybe they need to go visit their grandparents more often (and for longer than a few minutes at a time) & see for themselves how difficult it can be?
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Talk to the kids about your hopes and plans for yourself if you should ever need the help that your parents now are getting from you. Go over your plans for POAs with them, draw up your will, DNR, or whatever. Have a family meeting, maybe at the next family event, like a holiday weekend. Let them know ahead of time so they can get their thoughts together. You can ease the concerns for yourself into the discussion of what your parents did/didn't do, what you are dealing with now and how they would like to participate more directly in the care of their grandparents. Time for the grown-up kids to deal in a grown-up way with these adult issues. You can show them the way.
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This is an opportunity for you to continue to do some more growing up of your own: nobody can "make" you feel bad. Do what you think is right, and interact with your adult children like adult peers. Be clear and empathic with yourself and with them, and engage them as collaborators and mutual supporters (both ways!).
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Tell your children that children do not tell parents what to do as long as they are able to make their own decisions, and don't ever try that on you now or as long as you can make your own decisions.
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I agree that the people who are not taking the responsibility for the aging parents have no business telling those who do how to do their jobs! My sisters and I take care of our parents and get tons of advice from the sibs who do nothing. My folks are basically healthy except for orthopedic stuff that is never going to get better without surgery, and since they are 90 nobody will do surgery. They also both have dementia, although neither will admit it. So we do the best we can; Mom & Dad see their primary care doc 2x per year whether they need it or not - more often on the rare occasions they are sick; they see specialists when necessary; and since one of us is with them every day we know when it is necessary. So if a son or cousin or grandchild calls and they whine, DO NOT presume to tell us what to do! We have their best interests at heart, we are with them 24/7 and we are on top of things. If the person giving the well-meaning advice would like to come and take over the 24/7 care, they are welcome.
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First of all, no one can "make" you feel bad. You are allowing your adult children to bully you into feeling bad, and as an adult you have a right to feel badly or not. The choice is up to you. Take control of your own life, treat your parents the way you feel they would want you to, and let your adult children fend for themselves. Only give advice when asked. If they don't take it, that is there business. You can only change yourself and your feelings about what happens to you.
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Let your adult children take their grandparents to the doctor and help you with their care. They are adults and should offer to help you.
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THE CIRCLE OF LIFE......Well, unless you want to physically take your parents, or your kids to take their parents.... At least your parents can still "think" on their own. Let them, life is short. and is it life threatening? Tell them they should just automatically schedule regular 3 - 6 month check ups with their doctors..Just like a dental appointment, every 6 months in not sooner, I take my mom and aunt every 2 months to clean their teeth.... :))
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Elderly people should have scheduled appointments, just like changing the oil in your car....EVERY 3 - 6 MONTH APPOINTMENTS, whatever doc thinks is valid.... Then if anything else happens in between, make another appointment. And if elderly people are involved, over 85 years old, talk to social worker or hospice.....Ask them, it cant hurt...
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That regular routine appointment is not a bad idea, though the doc has to be able to document enough that it's clearly medically necessary. It tends to provide attention that is not dependent on being sick and complaining, and might pick up problems that could be prevented from fully blossoming into an actue crisis.
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