How can I better handle my mom's hypochondriac tendencies?

Goodness this sounds familiar. My mother in law lives with us and she is forever obsessing over the smallest of complaints. Unfortunately we are all she has as her sharp tongue, self-centeredness, and gossipmongering have caused serious rifts with the rest of the family and her surviving friends. These are traits that she has always had but they have gotten much worse with age.

I feel bad about wasting resources with endless doctor trips (we are quite rural and she prefers a doctor in a neighboring state so getting her there is a project indeed. My sister in law used to handle the doctor trips and unfortunately started the precedent of making them a holiday with treats and meals out . I think much of Miss P's hypochondria is attention seeking and part of her power and control issues where my husband and I are concerned. She resents and dislikes me for my relationship with her son and tries to drive wedges between us. Still she realizes we are all she has left.

I have tried to address this problem in several ways:

First if she has what is obviously a minor complaint we do not make an appointment with her doctor. We go to the local urgent care clinic and see a PA. It is not an occasion for treats and shopping and meals out but all business there and back. In balance we try to create outings for her not related to doctor trips. If she's stewing on something and refuses to go, we go without her.

If she has a bad fall or something that might be serious we go to the ER. If she's bluffing she'll decline to go but that is the only choice we offer. She sees her regular doctor for scheduled appointments only.

I always catch the nurse or PA privately and warn them to beware of med seeking. She takes what I think (informed opinion: i worked with drug addicts for 25 years) is an excessive amount of benzodiazepenes for "anxiety" -- will not participate in biofeedback or CBT or try any strategies to manage her anxiety. So she continually complains that her symptoms "make her nervous" in hopes of getting more benzos. If I dont watch her she tries to get others to give her prescription meds and feels,a pill is the only answer to a problem. She will not follow doctors orders,unless it involves taking more pills. So part of my strategy is to insist she follow all instructions,yo the letter for at least two weeks before we go back to the doctor. If she doesn't we don't go and i tell her there is no sense going to the doctor if she won't do what he says to do.

We do not let her self-manage meds, but fill a weekly pill organizer for her.

We do not entertain long dithering conversations about minor health complaints. We try to redirect her thinking into gratitude for what is essentially very good health for a 90 year old. If she persists we either change the subject or simply leave the room. Same with gossip or running family members down. When she talks positively and about current reality we are all ears and participate with lots of attention.

We take good care of ourselves and our relationship by talking frequently and helping each other stay out of her manipulation and games. We cant get away -- we farm and are always working and there is no one left willing to provide us,with respite care. It is exhausting living in the middle of a behavioral intervention all the time but I send my husband on hunting and fishing trips with his friends when it gets too much for him and take over his chores,for him. I go to daily Mass and spend a lot of time outside when things get rough.

Bless all you devoted caretakers!

My mother-in-law who is 87 told me recently, that nothing works like it did before. Her body has become her enemy, not to mention her brain, since she has no short term memory either. If your mother is sitting around day after day and all she's doing is taking mental notes of everything that's not working properly anymore, it's no wonder she's driving herself crazy. Even at my age (59) if I allow myself to sit and fixate on why in the world will my thumb NOT bend all the way in the morning, I'd drive myself crazy too. So I chalk it up to old age and arthritis (which stinks) and move on anyway. Point is, maybe mom needs more things to do and think about. Us humans are pretty self absorbed anyway as a whole, so if she can get her mind off herself more often, that would be a good thing. The best way I know how to stop thinking about oneself, is to help someone else. Just a thought.

:)
grannidi, your mother sounds like half of the older women I've known. My mother does it. She complains daily about aches and pains -- I consider that normal. But she goes into the spells where she will fixate on something, then end up having a lot of tests that show nothing is wrong. As a caregiver, it can be hard to know what to do. We suspect it's all imagination, but what if something is really wrong? So we run ourselves ragged, getting them to all the appointments. Personally, I get aggravated because I know that nothing is really wrong.

I think a lot of it is anxiety in the case of my mother. She is a worry wart by nature, so she'll worry and get more anxious about something. In her case, I wish I could find some respectful way to stop the escalating anxiety. I think naheaton's advice is spot on in encouraging them to do something that gets their mind off themselves. (I wish that would work with my mother.)

Thank you for the great responses on this; I can relate to what each and everyone has said here. JessiBelle, my Mom is a worry-wart by nature, which I know does not help her mental state at all. And emio, I think my Mom DOES want attention. I have a brother and sister who do not pay much attention to her and I think she sees this as a way to get their attention,
It makes it frustrating for me as I do not know why my siblings have such a disinterest- and it leaves me doing the daily calling, visits, trips to Doctors and store- basically all of her needs, But THAT is a horse of a different color so don't get me started on that; ha, ha!

Tusconlady, my Mom has every testing apparatus available to keep track of these things. They are great things to have but sometimes she obsesses on these and (for instance) takes her blood pressure every 15 minutes and then gets all upset if one of her readings is a hair above normal. She gets sort of OCD at times.

But Tusconlady and Naheaton bring up good points saying to get her interested in something else. There are many activities she has done in the past (painting, knitting, crafts); I will try and think of something that I can get her interested in. Maybe I can start out with it being a project her and I can do together.

I love my Mom so much- she has always been the "caretaker" - for my dad when he was terminally ill 20 years ago and then for her handicap sister for many years. I want to take care of her now that she is older. I am trying to learn how to work full-time (I am only 55 so I have many years left before I can retire) and be there for her when she needs it.

I just feel so alone as all of my friends have not experienced any of this with their parents yet. So just knowing that there are others here that do understand my concerns helps a lot!!

my Mother just turned 74 and this describes her to a T. Its to the point where NOBODY wants to talk to her at all because all she talks about is her meds and her drs. She called me this morning and asked how my day was yesterday
( SHOCKED THE H OUT OF ME because she dosent really care ) as soon as I started to tell her she said speaking of golf I called the drs this morning blah blah blah. Its HARD. I have no answers. Its sad and maddening at the same time.

JessieBelle, My mother was for-sure a worrier. She had a pretty tough life, raising kids on her own, etc. I guess worrying became a way of life. But here is something I wonder about: My mother was not nurturing when I was a child, to say the least. I guess she couldn't give what she didn't have. It seems this is the type of mother who becomes demanding in certain ways as they age. Sometimes I think my mother's hypochondria is an attempt to get that empty cup filled. At any rate, mothers who were emotionally healthy with their own children seem to fare better in old age.

My mother complains constantly of various health issues, and it stresses me no end. I feel horrible for her cause she has a history of depression, and now her eyesight is going. She is virtually blind. She lives alone, and she can't drive. She is okay mentally, but at times she is 'foggy'. - I don't live in the same town as my mother, nor can I move there due to my job. She is always unhappy when she calls, and always sick. And I honestly don't know how much of the 'sick' is imagination and anxiety. I don't know what to do, or where to turn. She would be even more miserable to live with me; I work many hours and she doesn't know anyone here. Her church is not here. I can't live in her town, cause my job is here. Is it time for a nursing home? I don't know what to do.

Taylorgirl, I do feel for you. I have dealt with it for years with one of my family members. It is very difficult for the person, because in their mind, they really are ill, in pain, sick, etc. But, it's also disturbing to family members, because we have to deal with it, listen to constant ailments, rush to ER many times only to be told, nothing is wrong, and watch as they see multiple doctors who they think are incompetent, because they can't find anything wrong with them. Does this sound familiar?

It's surprising how many people deal with this condition. I have read on this site that it's sometimes referred to as "thick file disease." My dad had a form of it, with Conversion Disorder for a few months. He went on medication, saw psychiatrist and is doing great. Only a little relapse in 2 years.

But, my mom will not take medication and will not see psychiatrist. She's miserable, with all kinds of imaginary ailments, but I see no way to get her help. She is in denial.

If someone is willing to accept diagnosis and get treatment, therapy, meds, etc. It's still a very challenging condition to treat.

The only thing that I have done is stop coddling and even discussing her ailments. If it goes on and on, I'll say, if you feel it's necessary call your doctor. But, other than that, I won't discuss her ailments. I do talk with her, am positive and loving when she is not discussing her ailments. I'm not sure it matters. It still continues.

If you are thinking that your mom needs assisted living or nursing home, I might discuss it with her doctor. He may have a whole different take on what her actual health is. And I'd have an assessment done to determine just what her needs are. That would let you know what type of assistance that she would need.

I do think that my mom's ailments are less pronounced when she is around other people, talking, engaged, etc. If your mom might be more active, it might help, but if she contends that she is too sick to be active......that's a problem.

Sunnygirl, I like that term -- thick file disease. I know a lot of people are going through this. I wonder if people who had parents who were hypochondriacs found they also worried about everything else, like things around the house. It can be like living with Chicken Little, looking for the sky to fall.

I get the same feeling with my mother, taylor. Going to the doctors is like getting attention that she needs. She has always pushed people away, so never made friends. Having friends means a two-way exchange -- giving and receiving caring. Friendships can be challenge for an avoidant person. With doctors it is one way and you hope the doctor cares about you.

I also think there is the fear of death that comes in. Going to the doctor is maybe a way to keep death from sneaking up on them. When you're old and confused, little things can look life threatening.