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My mother is trying to stay living independently after recovering from falling and breaking her hip. She had some sort of psychotic episode that we think led to her falling. Now back at home, we are able to leave her some of the time with an "alert" pendant, and an automated and monitored medication dispenser. She, of course, hates that any sort of monitoring need to happen, but is somewhat willing to accept it as long as it means that she doesn't have to have a "Babysitter" (provided by her 4 adult children and her oldest grandson - who is my son). She started to develop syncope, which doctors in hospital think is due to a sensitivity to Atenolol, so her dose has been cut in half. So far, 48 hours of no dizziness being reported. My question - she's started to verbally attack my son - accusing him of treating her disrespectfully, not wanting him to stay with her, etc. She has exhibited obvious delerium, anxiety, and confusion very recently; so those type of remarks are usually easy to overlook. However, these last few "attacks" are said with a great deal of lucidity, and seem to be truthfull from my son's perspective. He is extraordinarily hurt, as you can imagine - he's 19 and is studying for an emt exam. He's been at her house the entire time she was hospitalized to care for the house, clean it, and care for her animals. He helped to stay with her when she first came home, so she didn't have to accept VNA "strangers". So this kind of new(ish) behavior directed to him is very hard for any of us to take, but especially him. My question - has anyone else had a similar situation happen, and how did you cope with it? I'm recommending that my son get some help from a support group, and perhaps talk to her social worker...

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As I said before...get a home health aid...your son is not qualified to deal with any of this at this point.
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Well, I'm looking at a lifetime of criticism in my situation, and I'm trying to develop a non- inflammatory response without sacrificing my own self-worth. I'm trying, "Thank you for your correction". This neither confirms my responsibility for whatever the he'll it is that I supposedly said wrong, nor degrades into the childish, "No I didn't!"
Sometimes I think my self worth is never going to recover....my own plan for myself is to put myself in a home before I put my own children in this situation.
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Yes, we are dealing with it. My mother had an accident about a year ago (detailed in another post) and at the same time I had major surgery with serious complications. I am the only child and with her living in another state....I could not be there. My daughter 25 at the time stepped in to help. She quit her job moved to a town close by and would travel each weekend to check on mother and get her what she needed. The one thing that was not affected this entire time was mother's big mouth! The insults and ugly words are too much to deal with. It is one thing when she does it to me but my daughter will not tolerate it and does not understand the excuse of "old age" she believes mother is fully lucid and knows exactly what is being said.
What I have done is repeatedly told my daughter how much she is appreciated and that she no longer have to assist if she does not want to. Now that everyone has moved into my home .....the unrest is ongoing. So, my husband and I have decided to clear our space. The process has begun to place mother in an assisted living home like the one she was in previously. This is now a matter of our sanity and well being as mother does not care (may be she is not aware) how we are affected. Everyone has suffered with her being here the past year and it is time to make a change. Sometimes we have ideas in our head as to how we think things should be but it is not always the best choice. I somehow thought we could care for her until the time came for a nursing home. There are no other options in this situation.
I pray for you and your family. At this point your son has to live his life and I would have a heart to heart with him. Let him know how much his support is valued and he now has to focus on his future and his goals. We do not need our young people to build resentment and become angry toward the situation. I wish you well and resolve with this situation. It may be time to find a reputable home care agency and hire someone.
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Get professional help in the home. If your son is studying, his has enough on his plate. Young people need to be protected and given room to breathe. He's done enough, more than enough.And make sure he knows SHE has a problem and he did a good job and doesn't need to be subjected to abuse.
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Yes, I have been threw that and also my husband. Even our Hospice Chaplin got a good does one day. it hurts so bad at first, then you realize that it is not the same person that you are dealing with. You are dealing with the product of disease. You need to get away as much as possible. Go for a walk , read a book anything that helps you relax. Call a friend. Just let him know that he is respected and loved . We even were reported to ADP because of a statement my mother told a volunteer and it's law that it has to be reported regardless if it's the truth or not. They disregarded the statement after what they saw with her when they tried to talk with her. So just be prepared for anything but, the most important things are , you are not dealing with a person and try and this is hard to do to let it roll off your shoulders. Because they would not be saying these things if they were not sick. Hugs take care
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When my mother-in-law is being mean, I just tell that she is being mean and give her time to calm down. Generally, she calms down fairly quickly and seems more humble. I simply am not taking anything negative that she says seriously and I take every kind word to heart. If your son can't distance himself emotionally then he shouldn't be with grandma. We must take care of our children first.
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Wow. My mother, who has always made me the family scape goat has stepped up this awful behavior and unfortunately, now my four siblings have seemed to jump on board. My dad who has commented previously about how much I have taken from her and subsequently taken the high road afterwards, even told me within the last fifteen months that I needed to apologize to her for being 'disrespectful' to her when I told her in an email, after two times hanging up on me, that I was not going to a) talk about other people with her and b) that when she repeatedly got on inflammatory subjects it made me feel baited since she knew how I already felt about it. The last 14 months have been hell at her hands. She drives everybody crazy in her relentless pursuit to trash me, has told my brother who has been named my parents' executor that she wants to cut me out of the will (he said my dad 'wasn't there yet' but intimated that I again need to apologize to her or they might do it!). Every month or so I get a crazy Bible-quoting but definitely nasty note from her with an attached copy of this 'awful' email (which has nothing disrespectful in it but does draw a boundary around her abusive behavior towards me). With the Bible references she seems to revel in 'trumping' even my faith - which is paramount to me, because what do I do? Come back quoting another Bible verse to show her how off base SHE is? I don't. I respond with nothing. But my mother, while I do certainly believe is NPD along with very dramatic and histrionic, doesn't have dementia. My dad would rather believe that she is 'losing' it than admit she is just mean. He has told me he thinks she has dementia and that she is hard for him to live with. It has boiled down to a crazy family all in denial and all willing to pin the whole thing on me in order to get an inheritance. Gross!
The bottom line is this for me, and this is where my two cents comes in. If I were the only person left to care for her, I would. I would make sure she was safe, dry and cared for. I would see after that. But I would not put myself in the fray to be abused by her any more. If someone is lucid and just basically mean, don't put yourself in her line of fire. Hire somebody and have peace.
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This is not an appropriate responsibility for your son at this point in his life. Bring in in-home care. Sure, she doesn't want "strangers." She certainly knows by know that we don't always get what we want. Your son's welfare should be at least as high a priority as your mother's. Get him out of that situation.
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Maybe check for a urinary tract infection first. That totally changes the elderly and is a simple test you can do with a dipstick test from Walgreens for $9. My mom has a sharp tongue ongoing but I've come to know when it's extremely bad and directed at others and not just me, there's something else going on with her.
Good luck.
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There are aging at home presentations about how to deal with caregiving by family members and others which are provided by medical professionals and or AARP. I attended several to find out how to care for an elderly woman with dementia. While she did not like me in her home at first, she got used to it. When she got nasty, I just left her space for awhile. Introducing her to a person who is an in-home care assistant is necessary at this point, it seems, for the well-being of everyone in the family. Tell her that it is for a trial basis of a week (or two) and that you will discuss her concerns if she has any after you select a reliable agency and person.
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We are having this issue as well. MIL does not seem to like 15 yr old grandson. She complains he is disrespectful. She is almost obsessed with how much he eats. He is 5'10" and 130 lbs. He NEEDS to eat! Yet, she constantly gets after him for eating too much. He is a very good student and genuinely nice kid. So far, he hasn't said anything, but I think it is coming. I struggle with how much we should expect him to put up with. Same for your son. He needs to focus on school. Counseling and making them aware of their grandmother's issues is good. But at some point, maybe we are expecting too much from them.
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this site has saved my sanity, i wish i'd seen it earlier. it seems there is definitely a point when the patient turns devil or angel. i've been through it too, and it is shocking to deal with, as its quite evident that this person is very much in her 'right' (!) mind. Yes i too have felt that prior/ongoing infections and episodes of delirium have tipped the balance in some way. whatever it is, it cannot be just ignored so that the carers get abused. this kind of attack cannot be resolved by the carer no matter what s/he does - at the very least someone neutral has to be brought in if the patient cannot be shifted out. it's lifted a whole mountain off my own mind to know that it's not my fault, nor will anything i do make her 'friends with me' and i don't have to put up with it. prayers and comments on this site do help - we are not alone; hugs and love to all in the same boat
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If somebody stabs you with a knife, it doesn't matter if they were in their right mind or not! It still hurts!

I've gone for a very long walk, or stormed out and in a couple of incidents packed my bags. Mom still seems to get the message she went too far. (all the bs I go through....)
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Just an update - my son has not gone back to see his Mimi since last week. He is starting to calm down and with constant reassurance from all of us, seems to be recognizing that he has gone above and beyond what was expected of him, and he need not do anything more. As for my mother.....another doctor appointment this past week, where we got a referral to a cardiologist to see why she is having "drop attacks" as he is calling them. Will mean that she'll need to wear a monitor at home for a day, that will be interesting..... Also, I spoke with her at length about how she was with her "favorite" grandchild. She listened pretty quietly, and said she didn't mean to hurt his feelings. Led to a talk about how her short term memory isn't working very well at this point and how frustrating it must be for her. She has grudgingly agreed to have a memory test after cardiologist appointment to see if we can put a finger on what may be going on in her head. I left it that she should try to rectify things between herself and my son the next time she sees him. We'll see, but I'm willing to let her bring it up (if she will). With Christmas coming up so soon, it seems likely that they'll run into each other, but we'll make sure it's not a one-on-one situation.

And as KMartin says in a post above, this site is so very helpful. It's reassuring to know that we are not alone in this battle with our loved ones, and their issues. When you are there with your person, it feels very isolating, this site makes you feel supported and loved, and understood. Thank you all!
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I don't see the need for a support group unless others expect him to continue putting up with that BS. His motive to remain in such an abusive situation might be two-pronged: genuine love for her and the need to practice for a career as an EMT.

Abuse is abuse. Doesn't matter whom, doesn't matter when, doesn't matter where. As a father of twin gentlemen (they're 33 now), I never allowed them to even think about tolerating this kind of treatment. Even my mother didn't dare override my duty to make a decision for them when they couldn't. It was my right as a parent.

Since he's 19, ask him the reason(s) why he does what he does.
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I would like to know why our elderly parents become mean and resentful. And lying about how they are being treated when it is them who is doing the wrong treatment of others. My own mother is intolerable, and I read about difficult people on this forum...It seems to be very widespread.
My mother has always been mean and it has gotten so much worse these past few years and now it is intolerable. She insults people out in public and acts grandiose. I can't stand to be around her and have distanced myself totally.
No siblings and always have been the verbal punching bag.
No more and I don't care about her. She is living with her niece and giving her neice a hard time now. They were the best buddies until after about two weeks of living with her neice, and now my cousin is getting all the bullying from my mother.My cousin told me that my mother sure had her fooled. She thought my mother was "fun".....Not now.
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capemaywatch, not all elderly parents become mean and resentful. My 92 yo mother is getting a little difficult to deal with because she doesn't recognize that she needs 24/7 care, but in no way is she mean to any of her 7 children, our spouses, or the host grandchildren or great grandchildren. My aunts -- her sisters and sisters-in-law -- never became mean. One died in her 80s, another at 100, one in her 90s and the other dear sweet woman is 97. My good friend's mother, early nineties, is a bit mean, but then she was all her life. It sounds like that may be the case in your situation. If you've always been the verbal punching bag then maybe this is more about your mother's personality or about her mental health, and not so much about aging.

On this forum we hear a lot about the mean parents. It is natural that caregivers who are having challenges with their parents are more apt to look for a site such as this one than those whose parents have maintained their independence or whose personalities and remained sweet and cooperative.

I know that you are absolutely right that many elderly become mean and resentful. I am truly sorry that your mother is one of them. But I don't think it is quite as widespread as it would appear from these forums.
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I need to be more careful in how I write. But I just seem to read about so many mean elderly people.
My mother is meaner than five mean folks put together. She is out of the nursing home now. Was in for skilled care.
At the nursing home, I have stopped and visited the most wonderful elderly 90's woman. Everybody just loved this woman and I was told that she has outlived her family members and only has one very distant relative. She is loved and well cared for. A total stranger and I just wanted to go sit and be with her. There are wonderful people who are elderly and their families are exremely lucky to have them. I am sorry to have sounded like I thought all elderly people are mean.
I feel ashamed, and never meant to sound that way.
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Capemawatch- don't feel bad. There are a lot of people here caring for individuals who have always had issues. Aging definately doesn't help. Someone here once theorized that perhaps there are many people here with this issue because someone who is not narcissistic would not expect their children to drop everything and revolve their lives around them. It is very hard to live with. Vent away here, and don't feel bad. Someone here recommended a book "Stop Walking on Eggshells". I found it very helpful in understanding life long behaviors and how to deal with them.
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When we moved mom to an assisted living she was verbally abusive yelling that we had drugged her and forced her there. I handled it well for several days because I kept telling myself I would feel the same way. HOWEVER, the day came when I had just had it! We were in my car ready to leave when she did it again. Much to my shame, I lit into her, I yelled at the top of my lungs things like, "We would never do things like that . . . you raised us with love and compassion what would make you think we would ever treat you with anything other than the same? My brother did . (& I mentioned sacrifices he made to find the place and pay for it). I know I said a lot more then cried. She has mild dementia but it must have shocked her so badly that she has never mentioned it again. Just as the Assist. Lvg. people assured me, in time she has accepted her living arrangement and talks about how she willingly moved there as she needed more help. We felt that just as she had to make tough decisions that we didn't appreciate when she protected us; it is now our turn to do the same for her. My brother was adament that I should be allowed to be her loving daughter to enjoy her time with me and not the bad guy making her mad. If affordable get her care even if just temporary while she heals.
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When you get abuse from a parent...and I know I have, your first impulse is to answer them in kind. It is very hard to be treated this way by someone you love and care for. But if you can intellectualize for a moment when the abuse happens you will realize that if things were different for your parent they wouldn't speak to you that way. Then you can distance yourself from the emotionalism of it.

Part of the problem is that you're close to your parent and you love them...so it's hard to hear these harsh words from them. Just keep in mind the person saying them is not the same person who hugged you as a child. They have problems and little control over anything.
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I am sorry you are going through a rough time. I can relate to the verbal abuse and all of us who care for a verbally abusive elderly person can relate also. My mother has been calling me the B word all day and it is starting to get to me. I try to just get out of her way. She even starts trying to run over my feet with her wheelchair. A few months ago, I called my mother the B word and I was heartily sorry for it afterwards. I have apologized and asked hr forgiveness but it keeps coming up. It is hard to know what to do. I have taken a lot of advise in this forum to heart and it helps somewhat. The only thing that works for me is to leave her alone for a while and hope it gets better. Your son has a lot of his plate for him to go through this. I know that my mom is losing more and more of her control over her life and resents me having to take care of her. But that is hard to think of when they are abusive. All I can say is to take care of yourself. I know that I will never be the same.
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Unless she's totally insane, tell her that mean talk will not be tolerated. Many times older people give themselves permission to say anything they want because they are old. Sometimes they don't feel good and you can discern that at times, but just plain old meanness is wrong. It may take a few hours for that to process their brain but unless they are totally mentally incapacitated, they know that it's wrong but are counting on getting away with it like little bratty kids. This may sound harsh but it's not really, and will keep your burnout at bay for a much longer time.
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BonnyW - that's exactly what I think! My mom is being a little brat! I know she has reason to be bratty, and I certainly don't want to be like she when I get old - having to be dependant on others for most things. I know it's not fun, but you should have seen her face when I called her on her behavior with my son - she looked completely like a little kid being naughty. And as an older daughter myself (I'm 53), I find myself having to remind myself to hold my own tongue in many different situations. It's true that you think you can get away with more when you become older!
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