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He is 81, I am 50. I go to his house a few time a week to clean, pay bills, laundry, take him out, etc. When he tries, I don't look. Last time I threatened him that I won't come back if he keeps this up. Do I really not go back? I am all he has.
Overwhelmed, you say on your profile that dad's primary ailment is depression, not dementia. And given your reaction to him exposing himself, it seems like you know he's doing this on purpose... as a gratification to himself at your expense.
My father has a lifetime history of objectifying me and treating me in ways inappropriate for a father to treat a daughter. Beyond the inappropriateness, it's hurtful to me and makes me feel terrible inside. It makes you feel terrible inside, too, doesn't it, when your dad does this...? And here you are, helping him, giving to his needs, and he treats you like this. You're not going to last long, imho, w/o getting Very depressed or Very angry yourself. You should put a stop to this asap.
I basically verbally put my foot up my father's backside so hard and so far when he would say say or do things that were inappropriate. I communicated to him in no uncertain terms that this was not something he could do to me.
Is that something you can do with your dad? Can you be ticked off enough to stand up to him? He's bullying you. He thinks you'll cow and he can keep playing his game with you. You have to show him that he cannot bully you.
I might come back to this later. I'm working on something but I saw your post, Overwhelmed, and I've been down a similar road. How are you not crushed inside by how your father - that you're caregiving to out of the goodness of your heart - objectifies you for his own gratification? If that's what's going on, put a stop to it now for both of your sakes. You can't continue caregiving to him without deeply hurting yourself if you allow him to treat you like that. That's my opinion. I want you to stay mentally/emotionally safe during caregiving to him and I don't see how you can if you let this continue. :/ (((((hugs)))))
Overwhelmed100 , you are not alone! If you search on this site (bars to the left of AgingCare in the blue band at top) you will find dozens of questions about fathers and fathers-in-law and wives and caretakers who are dealing with persons with dementia who have suddenly become obsessed with sex and who are inappropriate in expressing this.
This why I think there may be something more than depression going on with your father. Can you talk to his doctor about this new symptom, and perhaps get Father evaluated?
Does your Dad have Dementia? Was he ever sexually abusive towards you or anyone in his past? Are you the only person he does this to? Can you speak with his Dr about this, as there may be some medical diagnosis that is making him behave this way, probably a misfire in his brain, connected to some form of dementia. So sorry this is happening, it is uncomfortable I'm sure.
I think you are going to have to have a stern conversation with him, telling him how inappropriate his behavior is, and how uncomfortable it makes you feel, when he displays this sort of behavior. And if it continues, you are going to have to find ways to limit your involvement with him.
Somehow this behavior sounds like something other than depression. Does he have any other signs of dementia?
Has is relationship with you always involved inappropriate behavior? Has he objectified you, as AliBoBali describes it? If this is part of a longstanding flaw in your relationship, I think that is a different situation than his brain suddenly developing some short circuits. Either way, though, you don't need to put up with it.
Overwhelmed, there are social services/senior services that can help your father. Either he stops being like this -- not one more time! -- or you should turn his needs/care over to a social worker. You can call your state's Dept of Aging to get contact info for local social worker. I'm concerned for your mental wellbeing. This kind of treatment by a parent takes an incredible toll.
Good point, jeanne. You're right, of course - if it's new behavior, it's symptomatic of progressing neurological/cognitive issue. I think... I'm too personally biased to give good advice on this issue as it relates to aging/elder care. :/
You are not his doctor, nurse, psychiatrist, social worker, or wife. You do not need to put up with this behavior regardless of why it's happening. If he's got dementia, find him a male aide. If he's acting this way because he's depressed, run away as far and as fast as you can. Even at 81 he probably is stronger than you.
Thank you all for your empathy and advice. My father and I just met 8 years ago. I don't know how he lived his life or what is going on in his head. I have a husband, 2 school aged sons, a dog and a house to take care of and I make time to go over there and clean his incontinence mess and now this. (Yes, I'm angry.)
Also, when I first came here to help my dad, I was full of positivity and good will, thought I could get to know this man who was my father as an adult, and maybe we could have a friendship of sorts. I wanted that. It took a year before I realized that probably couldn't happen, he was too damaged and damaging. But because I started off caregiving to my grandmother, that's what opened the door to hands on caregiving to dysfunctional parent, because he lived with her. I thought I could handle it, past experiences and all. I was naive and I've paid a high price for that naïveté.
Btw, I'm in a doctor waiting room right now, which is why I'm getting long winded here. That and I am usually wordy, anyway, hahahah!!! Cheers, Happy Monday, and best of luck with your caregiving situation!
Overwhelmed, I was not raised around my father though my mother did take us for visits with him and that's when he first showed the pattern of being inappropriate.
Does your father have a doctor that you can talk to about this issue?
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
My father has a lifetime history of objectifying me and treating me in ways inappropriate for a father to treat a daughter. Beyond the inappropriateness, it's hurtful to me and makes me feel terrible inside. It makes you feel terrible inside, too, doesn't it, when your dad does this...? And here you are, helping him, giving to his needs, and he treats you like this. You're not going to last long, imho, w/o getting Very depressed or Very angry yourself. You should put a stop to this asap.
I basically verbally put my foot up my father's backside so hard and so far when he would say say or do things that were inappropriate. I communicated to him in no uncertain terms that this was not something he could do to me.
Is that something you can do with your dad? Can you be ticked off enough to stand up to him? He's bullying you. He thinks you'll cow and he can keep playing his game with you. You have to show him that he cannot bully you.
I might come back to this later. I'm working on something but I saw your post, Overwhelmed, and I've been down a similar road. How are you not crushed inside by how your father - that you're caregiving to out of the goodness of your heart - objectifies you for his own gratification? If that's what's going on, put a stop to it now for both of your sakes. You can't continue caregiving to him without deeply hurting yourself if you allow him to treat you like that. That's my opinion. I want you to stay mentally/emotionally safe during caregiving to him and I don't see how you can if you let this continue. :/ (((((hugs)))))
This why I think there may be something more than depression going on with your father. Can you talk to his doctor about this new symptom, and perhaps get Father evaluated?
I think you are going to have to have a stern conversation with him, telling him how inappropriate his behavior is, and how uncomfortable it makes you feel, when he displays this sort of behavior. And if it continues, you are going to have to find ways to limit your involvement with him.
Has is relationship with you always involved inappropriate behavior? Has he objectified you, as AliBoBali describes it? If this is part of a longstanding flaw in your relationship, I think that is a different situation than his brain suddenly developing some short circuits. Either way, though, you don't need to put up with it.
Btw, I'm in a doctor waiting room right now, which is why I'm getting long winded here. That and I am usually wordy, anyway, hahahah!!! Cheers, Happy Monday, and best of luck with your caregiving situation!
Does your father have a doctor that you can talk to about this issue?
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