I am one of eight children. My mother is 86, wheel chair bound and needs care minute by minute. None of my siblings will help take care of her because they have all had enough of her abuse over their lifetimes. I promised my father, over 20 years ago, on his death bed, that I would care for her.
I built a house directly behind her house with a breezeway that connects the two so that I can live with her and still be near my wife and family. I have been living with her and taking care of all her medical, financial and physical needs for over a year now. However, my family is not allowed in her house and she gets infuriated when I visit them even though I rarely stay for more than 15 minutes at a time and make sure she has everything she needs before I go.
She has always been just plain mean, but recently it is more like evil. She contradicts everything I say. She accuses me of stealing meaningless things that she has either hid or forgotten that she had packed it away and had it put in the attic. She hides her purse somewhere different everyday and then when she can't remember where she hid it, even accuses me of stealing it. She is constantly calling me a liar.
I cant wash the dishes right, do laundry right, make her bed right, fix her hair right and I have been doing these things for over a year. I am not allowed to watch her TV, answer her phone, etc.
She has appointed me power of attourney over finance and medical. She has had her will done and has named me executor. She has changed all life insurance policy beneficiary recipients to me to distribute. Now that she has done all that she says she is relieved because she know I am the only one that has or will take care her outstanding bills.
Now her view has changed and she is saying I got what I wanted and now I am acting like she doesn't matter. She even said "To hell with me now, you dont take care of me anymore now that I put you in charge."
Nothing about my routine has changed. She is getting excellent care. I have a nurse that checks on her every week. I have a physical therapist that comes twice a week to work with her. I have a woman that comes every other day to bathe her. I get up with her 3 and 4 times a night to get her to the bathroom or clean up where she has messed the bed, rearrange her pillows to make her more comfortable or massage her feet because they hurt and are keeping her awake.
I feed her 3 times a day and keep snacks available nearby. I give her her medicine in the morning and as needed throughout the day.
She swears I am trying to kill her by laying her pills out and not putting them in front of the bottle they came out of so now I do that. She is constantly carrying medicine bottles around the house in her wheelchair and then losing them throughout the house which causes yet another hunt of the whole house.
She is in chronic pain. She has ticdeloria, arthritis, is diabetic and steadily loosing weight. The further away I am in the house, the louder she wails and cries. If I leave the room to go to the bathroom, even if she has been fine all day, she will begin wailing and crying until I come back. She pulls at her hair and throws fits like a child if she even suspects I might go see my wife for a minute.
Thing is, she is sharp as a tack. She does not have dementia and is playing these games as if she gets satisfaction from the turmoil it causes me. She is mad that I am the only child that will have anything to do with her. I have 5 sisters and there were 3 of us boys and I am the only one. They dont call for birthdays or holidays, may show up once or twice a year out of the blue and cant get out of there fast enough once they get here.
She treats me and talks to me like a dog. She talks to other people about me like a dog. She tells them I am not taking care of her, that I am never there, that I dont feed her or give her the proper medicine and I am right in the next room when she is telling it and can hear it all.
I am at my whits end. She throws things at me and screams at me and when I try to calm her down she just gets madder. Please help with some advice that will help me keep my sanity. I am just barely hanging on. Thx.
Your wife and family put up with seeing you in 15-minute increments because ...? That's one I can't figure out.
Is there a large estate to inherit? I'm sorry, but I'm reaching for reasons and having a tough time with it.
When you promised Dad that you would take care of Mom, did that really mean you would physically live with her, spend every night with her, and basically forsake your wife? You need to see that she is cared for. You need to ensure that she has food and shelter and nursing help, physical therapy, whatever services she requires. It sounds like you are doing that just fine. If she needs 24/7 supervision, either more in-home services are needed or it is time to consider a long term care facility where they have sufficient staff trained to handle difficult elders, nobody works 24 hours, everybody gets reasonable breaks, and workers have a life outside of the care center.
I truly feel sorry for your mom. She is in constant pain, she has chronic conditions that she knows will not get better. She has been abandoned by 7 of her children (or rather she has alienated them, but that won't be how she sees it.) Hers is a sad life. My heart goes out to her. So should yours, and it sounds like it does. But from what you have written it is absolutely clear that sacrificing your family, your freedom, and your sanity is not helping her be a happier person at all.
What you are doing is not working. Continuing to do it and expecting different results is not realistic. Quit barely hanging on. Make changes and get yourself out of this intolerable situation. Honor the promise to your father and your duty to your mother, but figure out how to do it without throwing yourself away. You are way too valuable for that.
I have nothing but praise for your attempt to keep your word to your dad, but as jeanne said, there are many ways for you to be true to your word without killling yourself.... search out resources and get out of there.... please let us know that you are following thru with this and that you are ok.... I commend you for your sacrfices, but it is time for a serious change.... prayers for you....
We all want lots of things in life -- and in death. What she wants in her death is what she wants in life: to maintain intense control over you and anything else she can control, because so much else is slipping away. That's just the way it is. It was said above: What you are doing isn't working. It isn't going to work.
A last ditch suggestion is to find out if you can get her doc to prescribe a small dose or seroquil or haldol or some other anti-psychotic meds. They will tell you there is a black box warning and it's not appropriate. But it's the standard of care in SMALL DOSES and it could help her be less combative till you are able to step back and see that your true obligation is to your family next door. And to yourself. There is already a part of your being that KNOWS it's time to let others, non-family members, step in and take care of her, and it's willing to inform the rest of you of that right now. Let it do so with grace and ease, right now.
Good luck to you. She will be as fine as she can be. It will not be your picture of "fine" but it will BE fine.
I have her in Assisted Living as I did not have room for her. She really can't afford it for long, so I will soon have to make changes on that. I'm giving her another month, hoping she will get well enough to move into a more independent area, but with nurses coming in to do meds and clean her up. She hardly eats, so I now think she is just going to get weaker, in which case I will have to put her in a nursing home. I think medicare picks up some of the costs.
You MUST NOT take that abuse, although, I'm sure you are used to it, so you need to find out why you put up with it. She is miserable, but drugs will help, and if not, get help for you.
I went to social services for advice. Her social worker believes it is mental illness that she has probably dealt with all of her life and has set her up for a psychiatric evaluation that will happen in about a month or so. She said there is quite a demand for this so they are back logged.
She said if the psych sees fit, it will be out of my hands and he will put her in a mental facility. If he doesn't see her as a danger to herself (losing pills all over the house and never knowing what she has really taken), she said I can make that decision as her symptoms progress.
I have also arranged for 5 hours a day, six days a week of in home care. My sister, who lives two doors down, is now willing to help, knowing that she will be paid to do so...ironic.
Over the holidays I had a niece visit her. While I was in my bedroom and they obviously didn't know I was even in the house, they had a lengthy discussion about me. Mommy was all too eager to cut me to the bone for nearly an hour and a half. When my niece said, "Well, Mawmaw, I better say bye to Uncle Carl, I stepped from around the corner and said "You don't have to go far, I am right here." You should have seen their faces!
I hadn't talked to my mother for days. Only curt one word answers to her questions and requests. Shes cried every day. "Carl, I am so sick today/weak today." All in an attempt to break my silence. She finally figured out that game wouldn't work and just came clean. However, I have seen it before. She will behave for a couple of days and then somehow forget it ever happened and we are back to square one.
Thank you so very much for all of the advice. I feel much less trapped now. Keep it coming and I will keep you informed of how things are going.
Thanks again!
Sometimes you just have to dig deep and step back. See the whole picture and do what is right for you. I would hate myself if I let my Mom and brother run all over me. It would be angry for a long time. I have had enough anger.
Take care of yourself. You are good or you wouldn't care, wouldn't post here and wouldn't take care of her. Happy "New" Year
You have a responsibility to your mom, but ALSO to your WIFE and KIDS! That means protecting them from your mom! That means taking care of yourself!
That said, I'm not sure what the next step is. Probably contacting a lawyer and finding out what the options are in your state. (that's what I plan to do)
You and I are like the frog in a pot of cold water and somebody cranked up the heat, and now we're boiling to death. The other frogs jump in and jump right back out because the water is too hot!
People cherry pick what they want to hear when it comes to the bible. It basically says be good to your children and children be good to your parents. One begets the other.
our family dr,. said she suffers from congestive heart failure.her body fills with fluids,she was swollen,painful,really wasting away.
two weeks at hospice, they released her back home to hospice inhome care.
so now she gets a nurse one day a week for 1/2 hour,an aide for 4 hours on wednesday and friday.thats my respet.time for me to go out and take care of other things.i retired from my job to care for her,and sometimes i think she might outlast me.luckily for me she never complains,and goes to bed early around 10,sleeps on and off all day.
and i pussy foot around here in the morning let the sleeping dog lay.because its diaper clean up time,and usually after meals,its a mess,sometimes i'll be changing her,just got everything clean, and it just comes out.that really erks me, and i know she can't help it, but i wonder why me.?
anyway,your mother sounds impossable,maybe you could get hospice to come help you/? ask your family dr. to write an order, and get the ball rolling,you need help.as for me? i'll take walks after she goes to bed,i internet,i'm trying to play the fiddle,and get rid of all the stuff my family has been collecting all these years,so when its my turn, i can just go traveling
I think I know what decision I will make as one thing is for sure – my Dad was always mean and selfish and manipulative – my mother used to say so all the time, so the fact that he is old had only made him meaner and more selfish and manipulative and he is not going to change just because I am on the doorstep. I have made sure they are both in a care home which is nice and the staff are lovely and they get great care, I will do as much as I can to support them emotionally and visit as much as I can, but not to the extent that I throw away my own health and life.
If we knew for a fact we would be fit and hale and hearty after years of sacrifice I am sure it wouldn’t be such a hard choice, but we most of us know we can’t keep giving so much and receiving nothing but stress without some long term damage. What you are doing is far too much given the lack of understanding you are getting from your mum. She has taken over your life and sees you as her personal servant and because you are blood she is unkind and unreasonable and knows you will forgive her – she would not treat a stranger like that. Did your mother give that sort of care to her parents? I think not! Get in touch with social services and get some help for yourself – you need a) a counsellor to get you through the guilt and the fact that you are sacrificing your own life for hers, and b) someone to take control of the situation and help you find a care home for your mother so that you can get your life back. You are lucky that your wife has not left you under these circumstances so you need to sort it out before things go badly wrong – and if that happened believe me, your mother would only think “good, now you can be with me all the time” so don’t let it happen!
I wish you all the luck in the world in dealing with this, but get as much help from other people as you can – you need it to empower yourself.
"But if a widow has children or grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God. - V.8 Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."
However, neither of these verses say WE have to be there doing all the work, it's just our responsibility to see that it gets done.
Now, she pitches a fit not wanting to go, but I get her ready anyway and see her off. I love her and we both need the break from each other.
My advice to you is to get help. Quickly before you loose your family.
As children we don't owe our parents our lives. We don't need to sacrifice ourselves to save them. They've lived full lives and we honor them by helping, but when abuse starts.... get help.
If you can't get help in home, it's time to consider a nursing home, or adult family home.
I often wonder if my mom is trying to make me hate her, but inside I know she's desperate to control something in her life. I fill her need to control something. Even though it's wrong of her to act this way, I understand her. That understanding helps, but tolerating her mouth shouting/yelling/hurdling curses at me when she's in a fit is overwhelmingly painful.
Trust me, getting a break does help me cope.
I pray you get help soon.