I am one of eight children. My mother is 86, wheel chair bound and needs care minute by minute. None of my siblings will help take care of her because they have all had enough of her abuse over their lifetimes. I promised my father, over 20 years ago, on his death bed, that I would care for her.
I built a house directly behind her house with a breezeway that connects the two so that I can live with her and still be near my wife and family. I have been living with her and taking care of all her medical, financial and physical needs for over a year now. However, my family is not allowed in her house and she gets infuriated when I visit them even though I rarely stay for more than 15 minutes at a time and make sure she has everything she needs before I go.
She has always been just plain mean, but recently it is more like evil. She contradicts everything I say. She accuses me of stealing meaningless things that she has either hid or forgotten that she had packed it away and had it put in the attic. She hides her purse somewhere different everyday and then when she can't remember where she hid it, even accuses me of stealing it. She is constantly calling me a liar.
I cant wash the dishes right, do laundry right, make her bed right, fix her hair right and I have been doing these things for over a year. I am not allowed to watch her TV, answer her phone, etc.
She has appointed me power of attourney over finance and medical. She has had her will done and has named me executor. She has changed all life insurance policy beneficiary recipients to me to distribute. Now that she has done all that she says she is relieved because she know I am the only one that has or will take care her outstanding bills.
Now her view has changed and she is saying I got what I wanted and now I am acting like she doesn't matter. She even said "To hell with me now, you dont take care of me anymore now that I put you in charge."
Nothing about my routine has changed. She is getting excellent care. I have a nurse that checks on her every week. I have a physical therapist that comes twice a week to work with her. I have a woman that comes every other day to bathe her. I get up with her 3 and 4 times a night to get her to the bathroom or clean up where she has messed the bed, rearrange her pillows to make her more comfortable or massage her feet because they hurt and are keeping her awake.
I feed her 3 times a day and keep snacks available nearby. I give her her medicine in the morning and as needed throughout the day.
She swears I am trying to kill her by laying her pills out and not putting them in front of the bottle they came out of so now I do that. She is constantly carrying medicine bottles around the house in her wheelchair and then losing them throughout the house which causes yet another hunt of the whole house.
She is in chronic pain. She has ticdeloria, arthritis, is diabetic and steadily loosing weight. The further away I am in the house, the louder she wails and cries. If I leave the room to go to the bathroom, even if she has been fine all day, she will begin wailing and crying until I come back. She pulls at her hair and throws fits like a child if she even suspects I might go see my wife for a minute.
Thing is, she is sharp as a tack. She does not have dementia and is playing these games as if she gets satisfaction from the turmoil it causes me. She is mad that I am the only child that will have anything to do with her. I have 5 sisters and there were 3 of us boys and I am the only one. They dont call for birthdays or holidays, may show up once or twice a year out of the blue and cant get out of there fast enough once they get here.
She treats me and talks to me like a dog. She talks to other people about me like a dog. She tells them I am not taking care of her, that I am never there, that I dont feed her or give her the proper medicine and I am right in the next room when she is telling it and can hear it all.
I am at my whits end. She throws things at me and screams at me and when I try to calm her down she just gets madder. Please help with some advice that will help me keep my sanity. I am just barely hanging on. Thx.
Mom's been hording pennies and hid a bunch of her pennies in a box and hid it under my bed several days ago and never said anything about it, and I didn't notice it.
(I knew she had been digging around under there, but didn't know about the box)
Tonight she started accusing me of stealing them and then lying about stealing them... Telling me she handed me this box and that I did something with them... THAT's when I realized she put them under my bed! I spit on my "man card" and stormed out of the house.
Some women just have to set a guy up, then start pushing buttons...
What do you call it when you set a guy up just so you can give him crap?
I know Laura Schlessinger would call it "evil"
There must be a powerful, underlying motive for not tearing down that breezeway. If there really isn't, I'd set aside 15 min. every day to check up on Mom. The rest of my time would be spent bringing home the bacon and sharing it with the people who are supposed to come first.
Whatever the case may be, she'll own you until you decide to respect yourself.
A compassionate response is "Oh Mom, I'm so sorry that your pennies are missing. I would never cause you distress by taking them. I will help you look for them." Storming out of the house is understandable if you know nothing about the disease process and are taking everything the poor woman does personally. It is time to change that by learning about her disease. It will help not only her, but especially you, as you will realize she is not just pushing your buttons.
I really appreciated it (eyes winced at the language!) for the sense of perspective (yes, others have it worse than me), the humor (laughter, the weapon of choice in stressful circumstances), the pathos, and the psychological battle was so insightful. There's a resource section at the end because the writer felt it imperative to share her hard-earned knowledge with other adults caring for their parents. A great caregiver commiseration!
Kudos to you for continuing to try to work with your mom. I hope you get more assistance and relief.
This is so draining, taxing and emotional for all caregivers and it trickles down to our other family members. Don't lose sight that you are doing right by her, and that in the end, you will be rewarded for your help, patience and doing right by her. I firmly believe that we get what we give. If I were an ornery elder, I would hope someone would offer me the care, support and love that you are offering to her. Hang in there and KNOW you are a good son, who has loved his mother in good and bad, and that in her heart of hearts; she loves you.
Gentle hugs!
I too made the same promise as you did, not to my father but to both of my parents. They took care of me when I was sick so I felt I owed it to them. I can tell you it is not worth, losing your family, losing yourself or losing the respect. What you are going through will negatively affect you, your spouse and your children and you may not know it at this moment but you will find out later, possibly when your wife is filing for divorce. Possibly when you children's grades begin to fall and they fall into depression....this affects the entire family and it does not make any difference that they are "not allowed in her house!"
This is madness and it needs to stop and you do not have to feel that you have let her down, she is SICK. You need to stop allowing her to beat you up and tread all over you. It is okay to stand up and say "Mom this isn't happening any more, you have pulled this BS long enough. I love you and I will make sure you are cared for until the day you die, but I will not allow you to stand around and verbally beat the crap out of me every single day!" Even if you do not actually say this to her it has to become your mantra.....what you live by.
I would hire a care giver and bring them in and let them know first that they are dealing with a strong willed, mean woman.....open the door and throw her in and stand back. Let her scream, she will get over it. She is use to always having her own way and uses bullying to get it.
If I was your father I would say to you, "Son I am so sorry that I asked you to make this promise to me. I had no idea that Mom would get to be this bad. You have your own wife and kids that you need to be making memories with, not becoming so stressed out by Mom and her demanding ways. I know you love Mom just as I did and I know you are a good son, therefore I am releasing you from your promise to me. Just please make sure that Mom is taken care of in a home or with and in home care giver, but son go ahead and live your life. I Love You! Dad"
Check every avenue - Medicaid offers same-as-nursing-home care through their Long Term Care Waiver program. This varies by state so check your state or county Aging office. Veterans and their spouses get a small benefit to help pay for care in the home or in assisted living. There're also programs to cover LTC in a facility and a program in which they (or their rep) can, direct the care needed. Be warned all of these can take a VERY long time so work with a vet advocacy group. And getting help to relieve you of care for an abusive, narcissistic parent IS the best way to take care of both them and you because they're not allowing you to do your best by them. It's tough but it isn't forever; when it's over, you need to have the peace of mind that you really did do your best in caring for them.
Warm wishes,
Sunny
Your father drafted you on his deathbed to be his replacement. You are not merely "taking care" of your mother, you have stepped into your father's shoes--an unnatural, unhealthy, and unproductive place for you to be (not to mention what the situation is doing to your relationships with your family and to your children's sense of self and emotional health).
What you describe proves that the arrangement is not improving your mother's state of mind, nor anyone else's. If you believe that the situation and the sacrifices, damage and pain that it entails is what your father had in mind for you (and your family), then he had no right to ask such a thing. If he loved you as a father should love his son, he would not have asked such a thing.
You seem to have conflated "taking care of" you mother and trying to please her--which I hope you see by now is impossible. Making sure she does not suffer and has her physical and medical needs met does not require you sacrificing your life. Promising to take care of your mother does not mean that *you* personally have to provide the care.
Stop throwing your life away. Your mother could go on this way for another decade. Your children would be grown and you would hardly know them. They would likely be damaged in significant ways if they are forced to adapt to the present situation as "normal." Their adult relationships will be unhealthy, and their adult relationship with you is anybody's guess. Why you would choose to spend their childhood catering to a mother who abuses you instead of being with your own children and spouse who love you and *need* your love to have emotional health will be impossible for them to understand. When they say "You weren't there for me when you knew I needed you," what will you say? You cannot fix the damage once it's done.
Every hour you spend absorbing your mother's abuse (all versions of which I'm sure you have heard dozens of times) is an hour you miss discovering, supporting, shaping, and loving the individuals your children are becoming. Your mother will never change. She will die the way she lives.
But your children, who they are, or will become, is still an open question. As their father, it is your duty to put your energies toward giving them wings and modeling a healthy adult relationship with your spouse. The damage you are doing to your marriage, I can't imagine. If you were in your wife's shoes, how long would you stay in this unhealthy (for her and the children) situation? The damage you are doing to yourself is extreme. You must put a stop to you mother's reign of terror.
She belongs in a nursing home where her abuse is directed at professionals who cannot be personally damaged by it. She will be cared for and will not be alone. Surely, that is what your father wanted. If he wanted you to sacrifice the prime of your life, you marriage, and your children's emotional health, he had no right to ask that of you and if he was any kind of father he wouldn't have.
I guess I have never understood the "sharp as a tack" statement when it comes to people like this...there really is such a thing as emotional intelligence, and just being conversationally coherent and aware of some degree of factual information does not mean someone's brain is functioning well.