Step mom is 86 years old and has cognitive impairment with very poor memory. She has cared for my Dad (age 76) since he was diagnosed 13 years ago with Parkinson's Disease. My Brother and I moved them to NC so we could assist with his care as step-moms abilities became questionable. Brother was living with them but committed suicide last fall so now caregivers are there from 10pm to 6 am and 10 am to 2 pm every day while I work full time. Step mom was prescribed Zoloft for depression which she took briefly but then decided she didn't need it anymore.
Now she has decided that the caregivers are after Dad and want him in a sexual way. Two of them are older ladies and one is a young girl (early 20's) but nothing could be further from the truth. I'm blessed with 3 excellent caregivers but stepmom is so rude and nasty to them that I'm afraid they will quit. Stepmom even said she wished they were rude to Dad so he would appreciate her more. Unfortunately, she is hard of hearing and yells a lot. I don't think she means to be so cranky but it puts everyone around them in a difficult spot. Her kids are in another state and have flat out said they will NOT take her back. Dad still loves her most of the time although even he occassionally questions whether or not he is really married to her. He said he wouldn't have married someone like that by choice.
My questions are this: 1) Is there any legal way I can make her take the Zoloft? I've tried everything-pleading, bribing, begging, threatening but she won't take them.
2) How do I control her jealousy of the caregivers? We all got together as a group to reassure her they are only here to help them but her memory is so bad, she's already forgotten.
3) What is our legal responsibility for keeping her here if she keeps making everyone so miserable? I have POA for both of them and handle all bills, dr visits, etc. I'm still grieving my little brother and have a husband and my own Mom who is moving here from another state as soon as her house is sold and I'm working 50-60 hours a week . Things would be a lot easier if she would just take the Zoloft or go back where she came from, if her kids would take her. Dad is a joy most of the time and the only issues with him originate because of her. Advice please!
How to deal with it? Well, it would be easiest if she would just go away. But Dad still loves her. And really, it would be a very selfish person who would suddenly turn out his wife when she has dementia. Your dad probably didn't marry a woman that rude ... her irrational behaviors go with the dementia.
First step is for everyone involved to acknowledge that she has a disease, and to learn about what to expect and how to deal with it.
Does stepmom need care herself? Can she still do all the activities of daily living? Does she cook, clean, and generally run the household (except for managing the money?) If she needed care, then getting her into a care facility MIGHT be reasonable, but she would have to agree to go, and Dad would have to agree to it, too. Doesn't sound like you are at that point.
Maybe some attention to her would help. Dad is getting all this extra attention, and even if it is not remotely romantic or sexual, she is left out. What if she had a companion come in and take her to have her nails done and to the grocery store once a week? Or someone come in to help her with cooking and to keep her company? Or what if she enrolled in a day program for elders? Or went to the Senior Center once a week. Often they go on outings. If she got to go on a bus to see a live play once in a while, might that help her feel more special?
It is very hard for stable, healthy people to see their spouses decline and to recognize that they need more help than you can provide. Throw in that she has dementia herself, and it is a wonder to me that stepmom is functioning at all.
To your questions:
1) I don't know how you can force anyone to take a medication. But this is the point I'd work hardest on. Also I'd have her medically evaluated to see if she might benefit from other treatments.
2) You probably can't control her jealousy. Comfort her. Reassure her. Give her special attentions and treats. Acknowledge her importance in her husband's life, even if she isn't doing the hands-on care. Learn to deal with her dementia. It isn't going to get better.
3) If she is competent (in the legal sense), you cannot force her out of her own home. Your father could perhaps force the issue via a legal separation or divorce but that seems drastic.
A fairly high percentage of Parkinson's patients develop dementia. If that happens you would have two people on your hands with this terrible, horrible, dreadful disease. The more you learn now, the better prepared you will be for what lies ahead.
It sounds like your dad loves what his wife used to be and this new person is like a stranger to him. I'm not sure how keeping them together is helpful, when she is distressing your dad. As her dementia progresses, it's going to put more of a strain on him and you. People have different levels of tolerance, but I don't think I could handle the constant nastiness. It's not her, it's her illness, but, depending on her diagnosis, I would explore assisted living or Memory Care for her. I would just check out what is available.
I know my Mom [at the time was 91] didn't like having a female visiting nurse or a female physical therapist taking care of my Dad back when my Dad had a heart attack. Some women just don't like other women in the house unless *she* had invited them.
Your stepmother cared for your dad for years and now that she's unable to do it herself she sees caregivers coming in to do what she once did. Add her dementia to that and this must be very difficult for her. As I was reading what you wrote I was thinking, "Give that woman some extra attention" which is exactly want JeanneGibbs suggested. It may not be what you want to do, it may be very difficult because of how she is behaving but it may solve your problem in the short-term.
Long-term your family is going to have to have some discussions about what's going to happen to dad and SM as their respective illnesses get worse. SM's dementia will only get worse which will interfere with your dad's care and your dad's health will affect your SM's dementia.
Giving SM some extra special attention now may help but it's only a temporary solution. Time to make some long range plans.
I now realize that back years ago when my Dad had his heart attack, my Mom was scared and upset... oh my gosh, what will the neighbors say, that she wasn't a good wife because he had a heart attack? I really believe that is what she was thinking because she was in denial about his medical condition. Mom would sit and glare at the caregivers, who were only in the house at the most an hour a day.
Couple months ago, when Dad feel and hurt himself, a nurse and physical therapist would stop by daily, but this time Mom keep herself busy in the kitchen. There was a better comfort level in the house.
See All Answers