She has been beyond miserable lately and is getting worse partly because she is 85 and we won't let her drive anymore since her last accident. Really the driving is not even up for discussion with her but she doesn't want to hear it or accept it. I totally understand that this was a freedom that she has lost but we feel that it is best to have her off the roads for safety reasons as well as the fact that she cannot hear and refuses to get hearing aids. The biggest mistake we made was having her move in with us. She has a Dr.s appt. coming up next week so am I thinking of calling ahead to the Dr. to see if there is something they can prescribe her to take to maybe the edge off.......TIA
I know how difficult it is to take away someone's keys. My late husband used to say something like, "Getting old is a process of giving things up...losing abilities we once had and thus becoming less and less involved." Losing the car keys is a biggie. Huge! I know how difficult it must have been to take that away from your mom; and (because of my husband) I know how devastating it is to HER. Like, our last shred of independence. Gone.
Some people don't want to take the flack you're enduring. They can't quite make that hard decision. Good on you that you did.
Sans going with her to the doctor appointment, I think your plan is a good one. Give the doctor a call and ask the doctor to gently lead her to accept some feel-good medication to help her mood.
Maybe you could rethink her having moved in with you, for your sake and hers. An assisted living facility would give back some independence to your mom. It might be better than any happy pills she could take. A menu to choose from, social events to decide to join in (or not), transportation, surrounded by others in the same boat. It's a big decision, but maybe worth a thought or two.
If mom has enough money, perhaps she could regain some freedom by using taxi's. My mom did -- because she never drove. The town she lived in (suburban Chicago) had a deal with several taxi companies -- transport to anyplace in town for a flat $5. She used it often for doctor appointments, socializing, shopping, etc. Even without that kind of special deal, maybe getting back some of her independence is worth it . . . ?
I'm thinking if you could somewhat change her situation, that might help her quality of life: get involved at church...senior center...town activities... If you're working all day, she may be quite lonely. Even senior day care. The lonely aspect is another good reason to consider assisted living.
Hope you find a solution. The doctor is a great place to start.
We do the best we can for our loved ones and sometimes that means making hard choices that make us feel bad. And our loved ones go through a lot when they need us to care for them. I'm sure it alters the brain chemistry and I think if an anti-depressant or a sedative (does anyone say "sedative" anymore?) helps our loved ones feel better then they should have it. As my dad used to day, "Old age ain't for sissies."
Giving up his car keys was a HUGE loss for my husband. He mourned that loss for at least a year. He did not fight it. He understood that driving was a risk for him and for others on the road. He was simply angry and deeply sad that that was true. As far as he was concerned, not being able to drive was the worst part of having dementia.
When someone suffers a great loss they are usually emotionally fragile. They need special consideration and patience. They need to have their loss acknowledged.
Here's a thought: Instead of ignoring her and moving on when she laments the driving loss, commiserate with her. "Oh, Mom, it must be really terrible to not be able to drive. I know that when my time comes to give up the keys I'll miss it something fierce. I am so sorry you are in that situation." Don't agree with her that she could still drive, of course, but do sympathize with how that makes her feel.
My mom was told repeatedly not to drive anymore by doctors, and she ignored them. She didn't care if she killed others. She was going to drive, come hades or high water. I ended it with a visit to a new doctor who figured it out really fast. He handed me a form for a handicapped parking sticker with the box checked to disallow her driving privileges. When we went to get her "new driver's license", it was just a state ID. I could say that the doctor made the decision. Thank you, thank you Dr. Love!!!
Of course, mom was mad as a wet hen. We moved her into an apartment in a continuum care campus, so she never needed to drive again.