Has anyone ever had to choose to leave a spouse because you just can't continue caring for in-law (s) any longer?

It clearly sounds to me like your husband is an enmeshed man with his parents which hinders the emotional and intellectual intimacy between the two of you as a married couple. You each need therapy and please see someone even if he doesn't.

Kas, this exercise might be interesting and useful as prep for either a talk to DH or a visit to a therapist, or both.

As a follow on from your wedding anniversary, write a list of all the things you love about your DH and your life together. Then another list of all the things that upset you about him and your life together.

My guess is that the love list will be detailed and long – he kisses me when he gets home from work, he makes me a coffee in the morning, he tells me what a good cook I am, etc etc. The upset list would probably have only two or three big fat problems. If my guess is right, work on the upset list to tease out all the details of that too – exactly what sort of ‘minor’ things build up to a problem and are hard to handle, in the same way as the minor things that build up to a loving relationship.

The ‘big fat problems’ don’t hit the spot – it’s one argument that turns into ‘what else can we do’ and ‘how could you cope with this better’. The detailed list is much harder to dismiss, or to change the subject about (and to change it to your shortcomings). Tackling the big fat problems head on is quite a threat to a marriage.

This doesn’t undermine the ‘big fat problems’, but it gives them arms and legs - a different way to communicate how you feel and why. It could be very useful as a prep to both explaining and changing the status quo, and might be a helpful way to get started on dealing with things with both DH and a therapist. Just one idea!

Kas….why cant MIL and BIL go into the appropriate places for them where they will have 3 teams of caregivers and sell the mils house and use that money to pay for their care going forward. You need to get out of this one way or the other….have you been told that 35-40% of caregivers die before the person they are caring for? If you continue down this path without getting out and getting therapy for yourself, that’s exactly what will happen. Or you could have some health issues yourself. Praying that you will get some therapy and make a plan whether with husband or not. Many blessings to you as you deal with these issues. Liz

I see from your comments below you are planning to talk about this with your husband. If you think it would help, write it out, like you did here. Your words were powerful, especially when you said you love him still. The value of a marriage when you are a team devoted first and foremost to each other is strength and joy. I hope you two can find that together, and work together to amend the situation that is destroying you.

Having extended family criticize you is the worst! That can wear you down.
They should not be given a voice, at all. Have you heard of 'gaslighting?'.
Others use it to control you. Do not take their calls, and do not receive their complaints from your husband. If you must, put your fingers in your ears and walk away, singing a song, or just repeat: "La la la la la la la!"

Your Dad may be needing care, more care soon. Go there, no need to explain.
No need to separate or divorce. You just become so much more 'unavailable'.


Are you still able to care for 'Dad'?

It would be normal if you were having trouble 'regrouping' just because of Covid! Add the caregiving to that. How have you continued for this long?

What are your own health concerns, can we help you with that, and have you been checked out by the doctor?

# 7 Continued......

7. Think about your own successor
If you decide to take advantage of a new opportunity or retire from the workforce, even your role could someday require backfilling. When making a succession plan for your organization, be sure to include your own position. Which employee could you see stepping into your shoes one day? And what can you do, starting now, to help that person prepare for the transition?
Your staff members aren’t fixed assets — and changes in your team’s lineup are inevitable. You may not always be able to predict a valued employee’s departure from the firm. But through effective succession planning, you can pave the way for the continuity so critical to your business’s future.

Kas,
Where are you in your "Succesion Planning?" Just because the other family members are not helping, are you going to "train" them, or are you it?

No matter what your size, you can’t run a business without talented people ready to move into key positions when the current occupants leave. Even the most successful companies can run off a cliff if they don’t have a solid succession plan in place.
What is succession planning?
Succession planning is a strategy for identifying and developing future leaders at your company — not just at the top but for major roles at all levels. It helps your business prepare for all contingencies by preparing high-potential workers for advancement.
Here are seven tips for kick-starting the succession planning process at your company.
1. Be proactive with a plan
Sometimes, you’ll know well in advance if a hard-to-replace team member is going to leave the company — a planned retirement is a good example. But other times, you’ll be caught off-guard by a sudden and potentially disorienting staff departure. That’s why you need a plan — now.
First, consider all the key roles on your team and answer these two questions:
What’s the day-to-day impact of X position on our company or department?
 
If the person currently in X position left, how would that affect our operations?
2. Pinpoint succession candidates
Once you have a handle on the ripple effect that the departure of certain employees might cause, choose team members who could potentially step into those positions.
Ask yourself:
If we were to hire for X position internally, which employees would be the strongest candidates for stepping into this role?
 
Would those candidates need training? And, if so, what type?
While the obvious successor to a role may be the person who is immediately next in line in the organizational chart, don’t discount other promising employees. Look for people who display the skills necessary to thrive in higher positions, regardless of their current title.
But don’t just assume you know how people on your team view their career goals. You may have certain team members in mind for senior management roles, but who’s to say they’ll even be interested in the idea once it’s presented to them? If you haven’t already, talk to these employees about how they view their professional future before making your succession choices.
REQUEST TALENT
3. Let them know
In private meetings, explain to each protege that they’re being singled out for positions of increasing importance. Establish an understanding that there are no guarantees, and the situation can change due to circumstances encountered by either the company or the succession candidates themselves.
4. Step up professional development efforts
Ideally, you have already been investing in the professional development of those you select as your succession choices. Now that preparation needs to be ramped up. Job rotation is a good way to help your candidates gain additional knowledge and experience. And connecting them with mentors can boost their abilities in the critical area of soft skills: The best leaders have strong communication skills, as well as polished interpersonal abilities, such as empathy and diplomacy.
5. Do a trial run of your succession plan
Don’t wait until there’s a staffing crisis to test whether an employee has the right stuff to assume a more advanced role. Have a potential successor assume some responsibilities of a manager who’s taking a vacation. The employee will gain valuable experience and appreciate the opportunity to shine. And you can assess where that person might need some additional training and development.
6. Integrate your succession plan into your hiring strategy
Once you’ve identified employees as successors for critical roles in your organization, take note of any talent gaps they would leave behind if tapped. That can help you identify where to focus your future recruiting efforts.
7. Think about your own successor
If you decide to take advantage of a new opportunity or retire from the workforce, even your role could someday require backfilling.

Kas, I wonder if you might do worse than show this thread to your husband. You'd better pour him a stiff whisky first because it sounds as though he might be in for a shock.

Can you tell your husband that you will be going on vacation for two weeks, starting on May 15? This will give him a week to be prepared. Maybe buy tickets and GO?

A few weeks away will give you time to think straight, and BREATHE for a bit. You could even schedule Zoom counseling daily, to get someone to LISTEN and help you plan your next steps.

This sounds like an EMERGENCY for your mental health. As people here say, YOU MATTER, too.

Best wishes dear one. We are here for you.

This is a tough situation and I don’t believe that most people realize how emotional it is, unless they have gone through it.

People don’t wake up in the morning and say, I am going to care for family members for a bazillion years! Long time caregiving can feel like we are sinking in quicksand, and barely surviving. I did it too with my mom. My husband was in your shoes and I felt for him. I was the primary caregiver but he was at my side and indeed it’s a sacrifice. My mom recently died with end stage Parkinson’s disease.

I think we do start caring out of love. That doesn’t mean that those who don’t do it don’t love their family. They had different circumstances and insight.

Everyone has a unique situation.

I don’t believe there is a ‘right or wrong’ way to handle these things.

You are certainly entitled to feel what you do. It’s exhausting to be a caregiver and you have had many challenges. You are the only one who can answer your question about leaving. I do understand that you desire feedback from others who have chosen to leave.

I also understand your need for compassion and understanding. Many of us come to this site completely broken emotionally because as you so clearly pointed out, “We burn out and become concerned about our own needs.” In the end, you must choose the best option for you. You are equally important to all others that are in this situation. I truly feel for everyone involved and I know that you do too. Obviously, you have a kind nature or you wouldn’t have stuck around this long.

If you leave, you will have an adjustment period because you love your husband. The truth is though, even if the relationship becomes sour, it’s also a time of adjustment.

You will grieve the loss of your marriage. You will also be welcoming a fresh start and deserving of it. You’ve paid your dues!

I wish you peace as you walk through this difficult journey.

Please share your thoughts as much as you need to. We are here to support you as much as we can. We care. Many have experienced similar issues. Don’t hesitate to see a therapist. I did and it helped tremendously.

Take care, dear lady. Many, many hugs and prayers sent your way.

When I was 'kicked out' of my MIL's life last year, I realize NOW what a great blessing that was. I have done almost nothing for her in the past year and it has been wonderful.

When someone tells you that YOU and YOU ALONE has ruined their entire life of 90 years--that they cannot sleep at night b/c you are in the family, that you have brought nothing but pain and anger and hate into the family and they wish you had died of the cancer that you'd JUST received remission from----you start to think "DID I do all this?" I was barely 20 when I married and was warned by so many people not to do so. Not b/c DH was a problem, but b/c of his mom.

Yes, I'll admit to what I may have done and a couple snarky comments along the way--but in no way shape or form have I ruined her life.

At the time of the 'fight'. in which I was completely silent, DH didn't KNOW it, but I was contemplating divorce. I could not bear her another second. I was trying to heal from cancer and he was not doing a single thing to help. I realized he'd been like that from day 1. He has dumped on me his hateful feelings for his mom---and it's not fair.

I did walk away, haven't been back and won't go back. I explained to DH how I saw his transposition of feelings from his mom to me and had him read a lot about narc moms. He has tried to do better. It's better, but not by much. I'm 65, and I have very little hope that things will get better. I fully expect this woman to outlive my DH.

On the upside, I am a wonderful MIL. My kids don't realize it, but I love them all like my own, do for them what I'd so for 'my own' and give them the respect and love they deserve.

MY MIL is a mean, wicked person. They exist. You want to think evryone has SOME good qualities, but sadly, this woman really doesn't. Well--she really loves her Yd's grand kids. She doesn't know my grands' names. B/C they come from ME, she has no interest in them.

Yeah, I did. I had washed my hands of the evil b!tch and the extended family. Then ex had heart attacks from stress from her, needed to get away and I let him stay at my place. His bro dropped her off right before Covid and I have been saddled with her since. Ex had a stroke earlier this week so he is in rehab and its all back on me. I spent the morning grocery shopping and getting her mother's day gifts because if not it will get unbearable. If you leave, even if hubs gets ill, dont help, my advice.

So, financially, it is rough at first. It will be hard to get a career back. You will be overqualified for alot of positions and lack of recent work history will hurt your chances of getting a job with your qualifications. Employers do not understand unless they went through the same.

Is there someting specific you want to know?

As far as extended family, they have made their own choices, for their own lives. It is the choice I would make also. I am not saying I would do "nothing" to help, but I certainly would not take an elder into my own home; I am not capable of doing this. I know my limitations. I would not sacrifice my own life for others. I am not applying for Sainthood. I am just here trying to survive life and do the best I can with what I have.
You have decisions to make. Your husband is the one to discuss them with. I think you should first get some counseling yourself to work through what your choices are, because none of them are easy and all of them are life shattering.
In answer to your question, yes, we OFTEN see on Forum OPs who come to us with just this question. They are almost always desperate, often they are already physically or mentally ill. And they ask this exact question. We also get the question from those who are not even yet married, where one (usually the boyfriend) has decided to take in an elder and where the girlfriend thinks that their future marriage cannot last and understands she will be the primary caregiver. They often believe that love can overcome all obstacles, but as we clearly know, love is a fragile thing that attains strength only with mutual guarding and care of it.
I wish you luck, and I hope you will see a good counselor to support you. That first to work out in your own mind where you are at and what you must do. Because as I said, there no good answer to this; there is no answer that will bring any of you out of this "happy". There is no fix- it to these questions. There is only acceptance of your own limitations, preservation of your own health and of this, your ONE life. And there is only doing the best you can for those in need.

I think maybe some time at Dads house would be a good thing. I mean a week or more.

My thing is even if Mom passes you have BIL. Who has guardianship? I would start thinking of finding him a place. And to be honest, should have been done a long time ago. People ur MILs age felt that they needed to keep their mentally challenged children home with them because anywhere else was not a good place for these people to be. But TG we have come a long way with Autistic people. In my part of the State there is an home like an AL. His future needs to be planned. MIL will eventually pass. Do u want to care for him the rest of your/his life?

I hope you have talked to your husband about this.

These things stand out to me:

"It started out from love and what seemed like it would be for max 2 years"

What happened at the 2-year mark that caused the situation to continue? And in your profile you say you moved in "for succession planning." ("We moved in with his mom and brother in 2007 for succession planning.") What does that mean?

"I had a thriving business then due to all the care I was giving my health suffered and I had to let it go."

I just hate it when the caregiver has to give up their job or business. Do you get any compensation?

"We celebrate 30 years married on the 11th." 

So half of this marriage you've been saddled with caregiving for MIL and BIL?

I take it that you live in your mil's home? What is her financial situation? Who is her POA/HCPOA? And who is BIL's POA/HCPOA?

The caregiving situation suits your two SILs, so don't expect them to change, especially after 15 years. You can only change yourself. It seems that since you are the one who gave up your business, that your H continues to work, and that the bulk of the caregiving is on you. Does your H do any of the caregiving? Does he think it's right that this situation has continued for 15 years. Have you ever discussed it?

Please do consider marriage counseling.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I agree with others that a good place to start would be a therapist or counselor. Figure out what you want. Then you can have a conversation with your husband about it. You may want to consider having this conversation with him in the presence of your therapist. It is worth the money, and YOU are worth it. If he refuses to go or talk about it, I honestly would pack my bags and leave and do not return. It is often said (and personally understood) by many on this forum that others won't seek another solution because YOU and your husband ARE the solution. You'll upset the apple cart if you stop being their solution. You've done yeoman's work to this point and shouldn't feel guilt or obligation -- either morally or ethically -- to retire from this endless caregiving gig. They'll be pissed, but so be it. Let them. Let them walk in your shoes for a day and see how they like it. You must advocate ferociously for yourself because it is apparent no one else is doing it or going to do it. You are in burn-out and need to get-out. May you gain peace in your heart as you work through your next steps. Blessings

I think you need therapy first and foremost, because walking away won't make you feel better.

You and your husband need marriage counseling and have to come up with an actual plan. What will happen to the BIL? He's not going anywhere unless there's some plan in place for him. What happens to him if your husband dies before he does?

Get some professional help because I think your marriage is worth fighting for. If your husband won't go, then go yourself and get yourself in a better place to make decisions.

Kas15, what does your husband say? Does he know how close you are to leaving?