My mother is 91 and lives in a beautiful apartment within a senior living community. I call her daily, take her to all her appointments, do all her shopping, send surprise gifts and take her out to eat, despite her admitted hatred of my husband. She has refused our invitation to go on short trips...but then spews venom when we take our twice yearly one week vacation. I am 67 and my husband is 71, and we both had near fatal medical problems in 2018. Our children are grown and live out of town with our grandchildren. Mom is in perfect health but has arthritis and some early dementia. She feels my husband and I are at an age where we should stay home and rest like she has to! She complains that she has no friends and is lonely but makes no effort to socialize or partake in plentiful activities that are offered. She is very resentful that I remarried 13 years ago and has told me she wishes I was a widow like her! I'm at my wits end and needless to day, dread visiting and even talking to her. Have other daughters experienced this?
Thanks so much for thinking of me....my husband and I went to Mexico in November and I told my mother in no uncertain terms that we will be making sure she has groceries, etc...but that if she cannot manage without my constant attention and her expecting me to be at her beck and call , perhaps I need to speak to the Director of the beautiful retirement community she lives in about moving her into Assisted Living . Just today, I I had another blow up with her, after she again started putting down my husband for having me do her shopping instead of him doing it. She was used to being waited on by my handicapped father and feels men should dote on women..I reminded her that being needy and spoiled is not an attractive quality ....My thirty five year old son whi luves out of town just came down with a breakthrough COVID infection and when I told her this, she blew it off and turned it around to her health. I cant wait until my life will begin finally when hers ends..if I can survive that long. She is only the woman who gave birth to me....very different that my perception of what a mother is.
I think you are coddling her too much. She should be able to do quite a bit of what you do for her on her own, and if she can't, she needs to be in AL. You Don't need to talk to her every day either. When you do talk to her, as soon as she starts complaining, say goodbye and hang up, then don't answer calls for the rest of the day.
Ignore her calls entirely while you are on vacation, and enjoy yourself.
The first time, I think I was 5, she was trying to tell me that stirrup pants didn't feel weird in my shoes. She was wrong. Stirrup pants came back in the eighties and they still felt weird in my shoes.
There's been many battles, many hugs. It's my mom.
When I was a teenager, oof did I test her, she often told me 'If you can't be nice, be silent'.
Funny how things come full circle.
Now that she's an old cantankerous, feisty stinkerbell I tell her.....
If you can't be nice, be silent.
Let me explain... Consider what you are wearing, what is weighing you down. I think of it as a T-shirt - that your Mom gave you. It has a familiar feel, a warm snug fit & you have worn it for years & years. But it wraps you in F.O.G (fear, obligation, guilt). Fear you are not doing enough for Mom, obligation as daughter, guilt if Mom gets upset.
Take it off. Discard.
Put on a hat instead. The hat of commonsense. It says;
1. everyone has feelings
2. their feelings are valid
3. their feelings are their own
Therefore whatever Mom feels is OK.
This includes Anger (at you disobeying her command to stay out) Jealousy (of your DH) Sadness (or loneliness). Mom may choose to be or not to be Happy. SHE is responsible for HER own feelings.
Tygrlly, Mom has become *emotionally dependant* on you 100%. It happens. Especially to close Mother-Daughters. Especially if Mother has a controlling streak to her personality. Especially if dementia creeps in. Don't mull over it. Take that trip. Get some physical & mental distance. You can choose to change your response to Mom & head towards the future you need.
After your trip, come back to update if you like. Others have freed themselves from this emotional bog. There are steps out.
I love, love, love the topless and hat analogies! You are spot on. Hugs and thank you Going to Mexico with hubby ober Thanksgiving!
My mom has an issue with my gender (she wanted a boy), my skin color, my body structure, my husband (although she had a say in the matter), the gender of my kids, our level of success, our social standing, our social life, my cooking, where I live, instruments my kids play....I gave up on getting her approval a long time ago. I provide care to her as a return obligation for bringing me into this world.
Take the vacation. Ignore the bitching. In the end it will mean nothing.
After nearly 20 years of living here, 10 of those dependent on me, my mother now claims she has never even visited our house. She now complains that we must have prevented her from socializing because she hasn’t been places or seen people for years, forgetting our endless attempts (a few successful) to make her socialize. The more I did for her, the more abuse she heaped upon me. She is in care now, and I am finally able to enjoy life with my husband and children, without her daily dose of venom or fabricated crises. When I visit her she is actually polite.
I was widowed young and, like yours, my mother told me my remarriage and having children ruined her retirement plans. We were supposed to live together and be inseparable. She pictured herself as the elder of the Golden Girls, amongst me and my friends.
She has been assessed as having advanced dementia but I’m quite certain that isn’t an excuse for 20+ years of snarky comments.
I sacrificed time with my husband and children to try to make her happy and she recalls none of it. Sure, I know I did well caring for her as long as I did, but it is a thankless task and you will never recoup the time you have lost. My mother couldn’t care less about my physical or emotional health. She is the centre of the universe. It’s very difficult, but try to detach emotionally. I found it helped to reframe it. What would I tell my best friend if she was describing this as her situation? We are often so much nicer and forgiving to others than ourselves.
Yours is the best response and totally true. My mother is the same way.
She couldn't care less about me. She expects me to be her nanny-slave. I put the brakes on that plan. I'm glad you did too.
It's amazing to me that a mother wouldn't be happy for her widowed daughter who found love again and remarried. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. The world is chock full of narcissistic, needy seniors. Both of my parents among them.
It is very hard to have to build that 'thicker skin', but you will have to for your own sanity.
It may sound petty, but for each 'whaa-whaa' or insultory comment, I consider it a bankable moment for ME to reclaim for myself. It might be as small as 5 minutes less on the phone or as great as one less visit, but it will help you.
OF course, I just told my mother I would see her tomorrow instead of today as I'm exhausted, and she's whining, so no frozen coffee for her!
Strength in the DaughterHood:)!
What a terrible thing to wish on someone you proclaim to love. She doesn't care about you, only herself. Think about that and stop telling her anything about your life.
Mom lives with us, so she knows. She's bedridden now and on indefinite hospice care in our home.
Mom was always a jealous for my time mom. Even before her stroke, she would try to forbid me from seeing my friends back home when I would visit. Yes, she became irate and unreasonable. Eventually, I just ignored her and, a few times, didn't even tell her when I was in town. Sad really, because our visits were already few and far between.
With her livinv with us now (2 years this week), I laid the boundaries down. When she's jealous and venomous, I walk away. When I'm off work a day, I don't always tell her I'm home. Suprisingly, she's become better about things, but it's mostly because I don't give her advanced notice. I spring it on her then redirect the conversation to sonething else, then "gotta go! See ya. Love you!" and walk out. Basically, I give her no time to react. If she's in a snit when I get back, I ignore the barbs and walk out.
My heartbreak is that my mom was a loving mom when I was little. She would do anything for us. In her old age, her selfishness really shines thru. In hindsight, I can see how controlling and critical she was, but I am my own person now and forgive her for that. I've had to learn to ignore her jabs and grow a tougher skin. Still hurts to have a selfish mom now.
I have gained strength....
Thank you... My Mom 85 and drives a sports car, nasty as hell to me and on occasion, my older sis.
To all others, nice and sweet as apple pie...been selfish her whole life...Dementia beginning, personality getting worse, I fear what is to come...
I find great strength through prayer...
Hang in there Ladies
sweet you.
and "Daughters of Miserable Mothers". i agree!
My mother is a nasty human being herself, so I limit my contact with her. And she knows why, too. I hang up the phone or leave her presence when she gets ranting & raving & acting ugly. I tell her I'll be back or call her when she's in a better mood. She often calms down amazingly fast when she realizes she's gone too far with me. I deserve the same respect I show her; so do you.
My late father was a kind man too, and she treated him terribly; I have no idea why he put up with her for 68 years, personally.
Good luck setting down some boundaries with the woman and letting her know you're not a doormat. Enough is enough.
She will never be satisfied. Continue to do what you do. Take ur vacations while you can. You need time away and unwind. You cannot be Moms everything. She needs to take advantage of what is available. When she complains, ignore it. Don't engage. You are doing more than some people do for a parent.
Says everything I need to know. I would tell her that you can't be with her because you are embarrassed that she is old, see how she feels. Your poor dad.
On a medical note, make sure she doesn’t have a UTI. It can cause personality changes and if she’s in pain but not understanding what’s wrong with her body, she’s more likely to be irritable and spit venom.
Don’t take it personally, and have a good time on your much-deserved vacation.
You have a good relationship with a brother who cut off contact with your mother. Do you have other siblings? Do you think you could further cut contact with your mother? You and your H deserve to live your life without the interference of your mother.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/is-it-normal-shes-so-negative-169355.htm?orderby=recent
This is not normal behavior. It's not your fault.