I didn't have a childhood as my mom was an alcoholic, manipulative, verbally abusive woman, my sister was bipolar, and my dad left very early. I was either told to take care of my sister (who was treated as a beautiful 'golden child', despite the frequent jail/rehab/psych ward stays) or I had to scrape my mom off the floor.
My sister committed suicide 6 years ago on 4/25. I was still somewhat expected to make sure 'everything is okay' beforehand. No parent stepped in to check on me with Stage 4 Cervical Cancer (survivor) or supported me in a divorce. Suck it up, be the strong one.
Mom is in an ALF, but I am all that is in the family. I am chauffeur, bill payer, recipient of all guilt-laden comments, chore-runner... you know the drill. I'm so burned out. My teaching career and daughter-duties leave me with nothing left.
I find myself having internal (and not so internal) dialogues with some higher being- a tree, God, a bagel, anything- to please just take her... I'm 51, I can see retirement from teaching, and I have a good relationship with a wonderful man, but all I see is being in this Groundhog Day sort of trap.
I know how terrible it sounds. I feel guilty.
Drop the guilt and set down some hard boundaries with mom; decide what you will and will not do that won't leave you feeling so burned out that you're wishing she'd be gone from your life permanently. Fix what's broken, to the best of your ability, and leave the rest behind. If that means you take a month break from the woman, do it. Whatever it takes.
Good luck!
"I am chauffeur, bill payer, recipient of all guilt-laden comments, chore-runner... you know the drill".
Yes.
This is my standard question for those I meet in your situation: What if you couldn't do it?
What if you broke both ankles & couldn't chauffeur? Had Covid brain-fog & couldn't pay bills? I dunno.. went with your SO to live in Europe, forever?
Mom would find alternatives, right? Catch a taxi? Get more delivered? Obtain a paid agency caregiver to be her 'runner'?
Remeber Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz? In the end she didn't really need the bad witch to die to be released from Oz. She just needed to WANT to go home & then click her heels.
I'm thinking here.. if you do WANT to quit & gave notice.. what would happen?
Some people weigh up the 'care burden' & decide, afterall, they DO wish to stay 'in service'. As it makes them feel useful & dutiful, despite the burden.
Only you can decide if you want to continue this way, & which is the better deal: Helping but feeling trapped VS free but feeling regrets.
Maybe a compromise.. finding the right balance for you eg less helping, more freedom. What would that look like?
My mom has been a royal pain in my a**, soul sucking vampire for most of my life. I still love and care for her but it's been rough. My brother cut her off so it's just me. However, the best advice my brother gave me is, "this is bigger then us, let's get her into the system and get as many social services in place. "
This has saved me. I communicate with people who are working with her. It would be madness if I was managing her. I also pay her bills, provide food delivery, manage her rides but I can manage those things. It's her and her tirades (and draining personality) I can not manage.
"Death is not a punishment." I attended a funeral where the minister kept repeating this line. It stuck with me. Life can often be a greater punishment. My mom's quality of life is not great. Give yourself a hug and figure out a way to do less for her. You're well being is more important.
I am the same age as you and deal with my father who I placed in a nursing home two months ago. We did not have a good relationship and I have the same dialogues as you. My brother lives out of state and checked out when he did that years ago so I am alone, except for the support of my husband (who has his own mother's care to deal with). I wish they would both die, they are both very old and have outlived any quality of life. Then I could move to a tiny lake house, and work from home until my retirement in 3.5 years, work on myself and my marriage and get out of this Groundhog Day trap that you refer to. I am learning not to feel guilty, but to feel grief, as I'm sure others will advise. But even then, the pervasive sadness and limbo are not relieved by that mindset either.
I suppose we must bloom where we are planted. I am trying and I wish peace for you as well.
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